Friday, November 18, 2016

Another life affirming trip to my psychiatrist's office. *Insert Sarcast...



I'm aware that I'm very fortunate to be able to see a psychiatrist. Many who suffer from mental illness don't get the chance to see one, and I realize this fact. Still, I'd like to vent. It isn't easy surviving on disability, and I wish I had help. If not for me, my son.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Confusing dreams with reality. (But I'm not a liar)




One of the worse side effect of my illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia) is confusing a dream with reality. Right now, I'm not having any trouble with this, but that can easily change if I'm under stress. With anxiety and stress, my symptoms rear their ugly head with abandon. I do my best to keep myself on a level plain of existence. I try to limit my thoughts and any plans that might have, in order to keep from worrying too much. Unfortunately, this process is a daily battle and I don't always win. For instance, this morning I woke up from a terrible dream. If I explain the dream I had, I'm not sure the impact, using just words, would give it justice. It involved my family, which I have no contact with anymore (For good reason). I was humiliated by my family continually through this nightmare. I woke up in tears, and my first thought was, "I want to die!" As I lye on my couch, I kept replaying the dream in my head. How horrible it was, and how real it felt to me had me feeling beyond despair. I could only imagine if my Paranoid Schizophrenic symptoms were in full effect. This kind of dream would have sent me over the edge. I wish I was able to explain my experience better. The awareness I'd like to bring to my particular illness is something I live for, and I hope I'm somehow accomplishing this feat.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...



       



            
Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






                      

Monday, October 31, 2016

My autograph collection of movie actresses from The Golden Age of Hollyw...





 I uploaded this video, in order to share with you my collection of autographs from actresses from The Golden Age of Hollywood (Circa 1940s). I was, and I still am a very big fan of classic black and white films.








Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Friday, October 28, 2016

Perception is reality.

 


After I dropped off my son at school today, I went to grocery store to buy some milk. As I was standing in line to purchase the milk, I slowly had the urge to sneeze. This urge to sneeze kept building and building and as much as I attempted to hold back my sneeze, it was quickly becoming an almost impossible task. However, I scrunched up my face and nose, in order to hold back the involuntary explosion. Unfortunately, when I was scrunching up my face and making a stink eye, the lady in line in front of me glanced over in my direction. She wasn't aware of my attempt to hold back my sneeze. It was apparent that she believed I was giving her a dirty look, and she wasn't happy. As I stood there, in line, I was at a lost on how to handle to situation. Should I get her attention and explain the that I wasn't giving he a dirty look? Slowly, my guilt was getting the best of me, so I tapped her on the shoulder. As she turned, I attempted to explain to her the reasoning behind my facial expression had nothing to do with her. However, she just raised her hand in the air and said, "Oh no you don't!" Followed by, "God don't like ugly!" She was livid and believed I was caught being "Ugly" toward her. It's funny, as well as a bit sad, to think she will go on with the rest of her day not understanding what really happened. I imagine her talking to her friends and family, as she tells them how some guy in line at the grocery store gave her a dirty look, for no apparent reason. Then I remembered something a coworker said to me years ago, "Perception is Reality." Good or bad, no truer words have been uttered in my lifetime.





If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...










Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Thursday, October 27, 2016

It happens to men: My sexual assault story.




(I want to apologize in advance for this entry...I wrote the truth and from the heart but I wrote quickly because it hurts to remember. I just think it's so important a subject, and needs to be shared.)

Lately I've been thinking a great deal about my family, and how that are not longer a part of my life. It saddens me to think that I'm pretty much alone in this world. I've written on this blog, in the past, on the reason why I cut my family out of my life. It's a difficult, yet important subject to bring up because sexual abuse is often swept under the rug. Talking about sexual abuse and assault makes people uncomfortable and I understand this fact. However, if this subject isn't brought to the light of day, I think more and more instances will occur. You see, I was sexually assaulted by my step dad. I can remember vividly waking up and finding him on top of me, with my pants down. His words, "I didn't know you were so hairy." Followed by, "I've done you for a while, so it's your turn to do me." I can remember the horror of the situation. I instantly got up and ran into the bathroom. A million thoughts raced in my head while I was locked in the bathroom. How could this happen to me? I should kill him! The fact is, I went into my bedroom and cried my eyes out. You might ask, "How is it that you weren't aware that your step dad was on top of you?" To answer your question, I was taking 1200mg of Seroquel, an anti psychotic drug that induces sleep. I could sleep through a hurricane while on Seroquel, and my step dad knew this fact. Every part of my being wanted to hurt my step dad, and it wouldn't be difficult for me to make that happen, but for some reason I knew it wasn't a good idea. I knew if I beat him to death or otherwise harmed him, I would end up locked up in jail. In hindsight, I'm very grateful I thought of the possibly of jail time. My step dad and I were alone in the house for the weekend, while my mom was away on a short vacation. My step dad continued to make advances at me, while walking around in his underwear. He'd flash his penis and tell me how he liked his dick sucked. He even offered me money. He said, "Come on, I'll give you hundred dollars." He then said, "You can take your girlfriend out with the money I give you." I kept myself locked inside my room most of the weekend, but that didn't stop my step dad. He slid pornographic pictures of women sucking dicks, circled with a black sharpie. He cornered me in the living room and explained that when he passed away, I could have all his gold jewelry and he'd take care of me really good, if I just sucked his dick. It was a horrifying weekend! Hours before my mother was to return, my step dad knocked on my bedroom door. I could hear him crying, so I opened the door. He was down on his knees begging me not to say anything to my mother. He said that he was so sorry for disrespecting me and to please forgive him. I knew he was more worried about what my mother would do, than being truly sorry but I told him I wouldn't say anything. To be honest, I didn't want to think about what he did to me, and I wanted to erase it from my mind. Just before he got up from his knees, he asked me to give him the pornographic pictures he slid under my door, so he could throw them away. Suddenly he was an upright Christian and wanted the dirty pictures to be thrown in the trash. However, I knew he just wanted to get rid of the evidence. I gave him the pictures because I didn't think I'd need proof, if I decided to tell my mom. I peaked outside the kitchen window, as I watched my step dad throw the pornographic images in the trash outside. When my mother returned from her trip, I said nothing and for months I kept quiet. The funny thing was that I mostly kept quiet because I didn't want my mom to get hurt, and have her marriage end. Little did I know, the fact that my step dad sexually assaulted me wouldn't be enough reason for my mother to end her relationship with my step dad. About three months later, I was driving around in my car at night crying my eyes out. The day before I told my then girlfriend what my step dad did to me, but it was too much for her and she broke up with me. I was in so much pain and paying little attention to the road, so I crashed my car into the back of a pick up truck. Luckily, I didn't hurt the driver and her car had little to no damage. My car, however, was damaged and I had to get it towed. Sadly, more than a decade later, I still drive the same car and it's a constant reminder of the sexual assault from my step dad. When I arrived home in a tow truck, my step dad knocked on my bedroom door and said the following, "Looks like you won't have anywhere to go for a while." He said those words with an evil grin, and I was furious! I instantly went into my mom's bedroom and told her everything. She didn't appear to be shocked and went into the living room to confront my step dad. My mother knew I was telling the truth and told me that my step dad was nothing to her and he would only be a roommate to her. She also treated me with such care and was so kind to me. Little did I know that it was all a ruse. My mom didn't care, she only wanted me to keep quiet about what happened to me. Still, for a few months she kept up the appearance of being my best friend and believing me entirely. She gave my step dad the cold shoulder, while treating me with love. Like I said, it only lasted a few months and after that, my mom started to ignore me and went back to having a loving relationship with my step dad. She got what she wanted the most. The day after my mom found out that my step dad sexually assaulted me, she told him that if he drank anymore alcohol, she would tell his biological son what he did to me. My step dad was so scared of this happening, he went to his doctor and got a prescription to help him stop drinking. He never drank again, so my mom was thrilled that her drunk of a husband couldn't drink anymore. I remember going to her and telling her I wanted the money I paid to live with them back, in order to move out. I couldn't live with them anymore. She said then said these words, "Whatever happened between you and him, is between you and him." In other words, she couldn't care less anymore. I remember thinking how could she do this to me? My own mother was turning her back on me. I couldn't believe what was happening, so I devised a plan to see if she was as evil as she was appearing to be. I wrote a letter to myself and put the return address from the local police department, as well as a fake detectives name on the envelope. I wanted to see if my mom would intercept the letter, and she did. She opened my letter when it came in the mail... It was stuffed with some of my old bills, to give the appearance that I was corresponding with the local authorities about the sexual assault. She through the letter in my room and the contents on my floor, as to say, "Nice try." The next couple of months my mom and step dad continued to have their relationship grow, while I stayed locked up in my bedroom depressed beyond words. Then, one weekend my mother had one of her girlfriends over and I could hear all of them laughing and having a good old time in the living room. I was so angry! I went into the bathroom and smashed my hair dryer into a bunch of pieces. Suddenly I had everyone's attention. I walked out of the bathroom to find my step brother walking down the hallway. As I was about to reenter my bedroom, he blocked me and said if you want to hit someone, hit me. You see, my mother had been turning my step brother against me for the past few months. In a note I wrote to her a few months back, I complained that my step brother made more money than I did, so why didn't he pay rent like myself? I suppose this angered him and that's why he was coming to the defense of my mom and step dad because my mom showed him the note. When my step brother blocked me, I just went around him and went into my room. However, he said, "I thought you'd back down" as I was walking away from him. This angered me, and although my step brother was a lot taller than me, I walked up to him and said, "I'm not afraid of you." He didn't know what to do because he was shocked I stood up to him, so he said, "I'm going to end this now, and call the police." I was in shock because I didn't know the reason why he would call the police on me. After all, I just smashed my own hair dryer and didn't threaten anyone. I remember him sitting by my mother and talking to 911... He said, "Yes, there are weapons in the house but they are secured." I could only imagine the police being on high alert because they were informed that the house had firearms...none of which I owned. When the police arrived, the asked me to step outside. I was so embarrassed because they had me raise my hands in the air, as they padded me down. A bunch of our neighbors were outside looking at me, as the police questioned me. I told them that I wasn't threatening anyone and I just wanted to go into my bedroom. The policeman was nice, so I told him, "Look, I was sexually assaulted by my step dad and that's why I was angry." I then precede to tell him, if there was anything I could do? He informed me that it would be pretty much my word against his, so unless I had the backing of my family, I was in no position to press charges. As I went back into my bedroom, I looked outside my window to see my step brother talking to the policemen... He was trying to get them to change their mind and take me away. I felt like I was in The Twilight Zone because everything felt unreal. Later, I stepped outside my room and into the living room to show them that they failed to get me locked up. My mom's friend then said, "You should get some counseling." I thought, the nerve of her! My step dad said, "I don't remember anything that happened between you and me." Which was such a lie because if he didn't sexually assault me, why on Earth would he be on his hands and knees crying and begging me to say nothing to my mother? I mean, he even remembered the pornographic pictures he slid under my bedroom door, but all of a sudden he's saying, "I was drunk and don't remember." My mother was the worse though, she was calling my older sister and asking her to come pick me up, while she cried crocodile tears. It was an unreal situation to say the least, but it was happening. Even my step brother said the following, "Everyone knows about the drugs in my room"... "If you go to the police, we can say that you were making up a lie, in order to get money." In other words, my family was willing to make up the lie that I made up the story that my step dad sexually assaulted me, in order to extort money from them. The whole situation became to much to bear, and I eventually moved out and lived in my car for awhile. My family was protecting my step dad, in order to keep him in their life because of his money. My mom didn't want to leave him because she knew that when he died, she'd get everything. My older sister and step brother knew that they couldn't believe me because they wouldn't get my mother's possessions when she died, as well as the house. Monetary gain was the whole reason my family turned their back on me and for no other reason. I've always been a soft spoken guy and my family had no trouble manipulating me in the past because in my heart, I think they treated me less than a regular person because I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia. In their eyes, I didn't deserve to have a life like theirs and being sexually assaulted wasn't a big deal. My step brother even blamed me, when he said, "Why did you even hang out with him (My step dad)?" He said this because he wanted to shift blame to me. He also said, "Everyone knows about the drugs in my room." Yes, I take prescription drugs that I get prescribed from a doctor, so I didn't know why he would say that? I mean, I've never taken any illegal drugs in my life... it just isn't something I'd do.


I broke all ties with my family in 2009, and they aren't sorry for what they did to me. My step dad died of cancer a couple of years ago, but I didn't get any joy from hearing that news. In fact, a couple of months before he died, I wrote him and my mother a letter. I told them that I forgive them but I couldn't have a relationship with them anymore and God would be the final judge. The reason I forgave them was to get back my own peace of mind. To tell the truth, they weren't sorry at all... None of my family is sorry for what they put me through. The fact is, my step brother and older sister got closer to my step dad, after he sexually assaulted me... While turning their back on me. I still carry around a lot of hurt knowing that the people who should care about you the most, decided keeping a relationship with my step dad was more important because of financial reasons. In the end, they got his money and my older sister and step brother can't wait for my mom to die, so they can finally get their hands on the dead man's money.



I uploaded a video on Youtube about my situation five months ago(Located below). Will you please take a look and share it, if at all possible. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...













Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

My air mattress couch has currently took the wind out of my sails.





I feel bad when I don't update my blog. I tell myself, "You can do it!" However, my illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia), as well as my severe depression, makes it extremely difficult to muster up the inner drive it takes to blog on a daily basis. Also, lately I've been really depressed. Sometimes my depression worsens during this time of year. The Fall and Winter months really kick my behind, when it comes to my well being for some reason. This past week I've been thinking a lot about my financial situation. It's something that stays on my mind constantly because I'm really short with money these days. And if that wasn't enough, the air mattress couch that my son and I share, has sprung a leak. One of the three chambers doesn't hold air for very long, and it becomes flat within an hour. I struggled to locate the leak, but to no avail. I remember when I bought the air mattress couch the beginning of this year. I was so happy because my son and I finally had a bed to sleep in, and we didn't have to sleep on the living room couch anymore. Sadly, I don't have the money to replace the air mattress couch at the moment. It will probably take a few months to save enough money to buy a new one, if I'm lucky. I wish I had a real bed, at least for my son because it makes me feel really guilty not being able to provide one for him. I know there are some people who might think that's just too bad, you shouldn't have had a kid if you were disabled and lived on a fixed income. However, if you read my blog, you'd know the story on how my son came into my life. For now, my son and I sleep on the air mattress couch, but if it loses a lot of air quickly, my son and I wake up in the middle of the night to sleep on our living room couch.



My son doesn't realize that I don't have a lot of money, but I can see his disappointment on his face. He wants his dad to furnish a bed for the both of us, and he doesn't understand how hard I'm trying to stay afloat financially. This weighs on me heavily because the guilt forces me into a downward spiral of severe depression. Right now, I'm doing my best to get through this difficult time but when I think of the future, it scares me a lot.




                      




If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...



Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...



Saturday, October 15, 2016

My little Superman.



Unfortunately, my son has been this for the past week. At first, the doctor thought it was just a regular cough, but it turned into a diagnosis of Strep Throat. I knew it wasn't just your run of the mill cough because he also suffered from a very high fever, at times. I was worried to death, and the stress from constant worrying made me sick. I couldn't sleep all week, and I was afraid to take my Seroquel because that medication knocks me out. I didn't want to be rendered practically unconscious, if I was going to receive a phone call about my son's condition. I had my son over for the beginning of the week, but his mother had him the last few days. My son is my world and if anything happen to him, I would be devastated. I really can't put into words or convey to anyone how much my son means to me. He's my world!

The sad fact about my constant worrying this week is that my Paranoid Schizophrenic symptoms reared their ugly head. The worse of my symptoms had to be the constant negative images that my brain kept showing me. I would picture my son's lifeless body, in a constant loop that played repeatedly in my head. It was just awful and I couldn't shake the images. There have been many times in the past, where my brain would constantly show me terrifying images of my son in car accidents, or various death scenarios. As much as I would try, I couldn't get the ugly images out of my mind. I think this is one of the most diabolical things my illness does to me.

The last few days, when my son wasn't with me, I held onto a hat that I bought him some years back. It's a Superman hat, and the story behind the hat is something I'd like to share. You see, one day a few years back, I went to Target with my son. I had planned on making very limited purchases, like milk and bread. However, my son noticed the Superman hat that was for sale. He said, "Da, I want that!" I told him, "Why?" He explained, "Because I want to wear a hat and be like you." I looked at him and smiled because I often wear a ball cap when I go outside. Wearing a hat makes me feel safe and less noticeable, and that's something my illness wants from me. This was the first time my son conveyed to me that he wanted to be like me. It was more than him wanting me to buy him something. He wanted to be like his dad, and my heart smiled. I keep that hat near me all the time, especially when my son is with his mother. It's more than a hat to me; it's something that keeps me connected to my son, while I'm all alone in my apartment. I love my son!






If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...