Monday, September 26, 2016

This is what it feels like to be alone.


I hate feeling alone. I often wake up at 3am morning and sit in the darkness, that is my living room. I then turn on my television, but lower the volume until I can hear nothing. The images on my television illuminate the pitch black room, with seemingly endless bursts of light. The walls shimmer and ignite the otherwise empty room. Keeping me company, as I sit on my couch and stare for what seems like hours. This is what it feels like to be alone.









If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Friday, September 23, 2016

A brief history of my troubled childhood and subsequent sexual assault.


I grew up the son of a single mother who had four children, by three different fathers. I really never knew my father. He left my mother when I was just a baby. It was me and my older sister for awhile, as my mother struggled to support our impoverished family. All I knew about surviving was welfare and food stamps. My mother had a succession of boyfriends afterwards, as well as two more husbands. My first step dad was an unemployed heroin addict, who struggled staying clean. I can remember when I was five years old and my step dad brandish a gun, while in his bedroom. He said he was going to kill himself. I was child and I certainly had little idea of what was really going on. My mom eventually left him. After that, my mom had a number of boyfriends. Some of these boyfriends ended up living with us. One in particular use to cuss at me for no reason. He would often make fun of my looks and stripped me of all my confidence. He usually did this behind my mother's back, so she was clueless. I remember the night he grabbed me by my hair, while dragging me into my bedroom because I was laughing too loud at a movie we were watching, in the living room. My mom told me to be quiet, but I was a stubborn thirteen year old. I can remember, as he dragged me into my room by pulling my hair. He cussed and laughed at me. And just before he let go of my hair, he kicked me in the ass. I sat there crying in my room all night. I couldn't believe my mother let a boyfriend do that to me. Eventually my mom got pregnant with my younger brother, followed by my younger sister, by two different boyfriends. I believed she got pregnant on purpose because it allowed her to receive more welfare benefits and food stamps. After a few years, my mom found a guy, who was an abusive alcoholic. She married him, and he became the step dad that would eventually sexually assault me. An experience I've blogged about in the past. He would be the one who would in effect, have my family turn against me. This has pretty much destroyed my existence, and left me alone in the world. I made the following video and put it up on YouTube because I wanted to share my story.



Also, I had hoped it would possibly move someone or some individuals to help me out financially. Unfortunately, it hasn't but I'm still hoping that there might be people out there who could help. I know there are a great deal of people who have it worse than I do, and they should receive help before I do. However, I'm holding out for a miracle.


When I was younger, I use to have this strong feeling that I was living a nightmare. A nightmare that perhaps was induced by a coma. I imagined my real mother was at my bedside at a hospital. She looked just like my mom in this dream, but my real mom was a sweet and loving women. She would hold my hand and pray to God that her son would wake from his coma. She loved me so much!









If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      





I can do this!



This past week hasn't been a good one for me. Day to day activities have left me exhausted, but at the same time unable to sleep. Even though I take 600mg of Seroquel nightly (Unless I'm responsible for my son that day), Sleep has eluded me. If I fall asleep, for some reason I wake up every ten minutes. It's generated a lot of anxiety and stress, which it a bad combination for someone who suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia. I've had the occasional hallucinations. They've included imaginary spiders and snakes crawling on me, as well as being visible all around my apartment at times. Through the years, I've learned to block out the fear I have from my occasional visual hallucinations. I have little coping mechanisms I use and special self talk that brings me back to reality in most cases. Still, the lack of sleep isn't helping me, when it comes to the visual manifestations. I have to be strong and get through this rough patch. I can do this!









If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Thursday, September 22, 2016

I'm just a shadow of myself. Struggling to climb that mountain everyday.


Lately, I've been struggling a great deal. My Paranoid Schizophrenia is getting the best of me and I don't know what to do with myself? The other day it was 90 degrees outside, but my anxiety had me feeling cold. I was wrapped up in a blanket shivering and suffering from chills that made my body shake. Having felt this way for the last couple of days, I haven't been able to do much, but I can't take a break from raising my son. I have to take him to school today, as well as, pick him up. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but you have no idea. Being strong, when you're at your weakest point, is like climbing the biggest mountain. Only this mountain is so big, that you climb and climb, and get nowhere near its peak. This mountain is always in front of me. Whether I'm going to the supermarket or picking up my son from school, the mountain continues to stand in front of me. It makes me weak, and I'm left with the feeling that it's probably better to give up. Only, I can't give up!







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Monday, September 19, 2016

I don't like feeling this way.


Right now my symptoms are manifesting because I'm worried and stressed. I keep seeing spiders and the occasional snake slithering near bye. This is just awful! I can't understand why I'm so worried, except that my car's transmission is acting up. Or maybe it's because my rent on my apartment has gone up seventy dollar. I don't know what it is, but I didn't take my Seroquel because I wanted to accomplish some things today. I had planned to go to Home Depot because I have a credit card there. I never wanted to use the credit card and go deeper in debt, but I thought it was a good idea to buy some bottled water there. I'm really short on cash right now. Unfortunately, I haven't slept a wink and it's already 6AM. Sometimes I wish I had someone to hold my hand. I know that sounds like a PUSSY thing to say, but I don't have anyone now.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I only have a dancing ray of light to keep me company most days, if I'm ...




I often times wished I had a friend. Someone I could talk to and share experiences with, but I don't. And to be honest, I'm not sure I still know how to be a friend. I have a history of failure, and it's entirely possible I'd fail as a friend, as well.











If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      










Thursday, September 8, 2016

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month - My story.



Well, It's September and that means it's Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. The word "suicide" quickly gets people's attention, and it should. However, when I hear someone say, "Suicide is the easy way out" or "Suicide is for cowards" I get a bit angry. I've read somewhere that 1 in 4 high school students have thought of ending their life. That number is probably higher, because I doubt some kids would want to share that information with anyone. In the past, I attempted suicide a few times, but most of the attempts were not serious. Unfortunately, there was a time when I seriously wanted to end my life, and I did my best to accomplish that feat. I was in my early twenties and living alone. I had a very good job that allowed me to live rather comfortably. It all changed when the stress of my job brought on my Paranoid Schizophrenia symptoms. I was having trouble differentiating dreams from reality. I struggled with insomnia and started to hear voices. For the most part the voices would not directly speak to me, but they were angry voices. Voices that argued through the night and kept me wide awake, curled up in a ball, in fear of my life. Then the occasional apparition would make an appearance. The hallucinations were terrifying! I would see spider web all over my body, followed by hundreds of spiders attacking me while I attempted to sleep. These spiders would bite me and became an everyday occurrence. It forced me to take a leave of absence from my job, while I sought medical help. I was a mess and so depressed. The pain of living alone and experiencing the symptoms of schizophrenia made me want to end my life. One night I went to the store and bought a big bottle of Southern Comfort whiskey, as well as, two boxes of over the counter sleeping pills. Later that night, while I was drunk, I took the pills, as well as, a bottle full of lorazepam. As I laid in bed, I sincerely thought that my life was about to end. I closed my eyes, and fell asleep, for what I thought would be the last time. Finally, the pain and the fear would end. However, I woke up a day later and I was still alive. I felt horrible and could barely walk. Long story short, I lived, but it didn't solve my problems. Years of going to various doctors would finally help me keep my Paranoid Schizophrenia in check, for the most part. I'm still very lonely and I have the occasional auditory hallucinations. And yes, there are times when I do see "those spiders" but those days are rare. When I say, "rare" I mean that I still see them, but I haven't been bitten by one in a long time. Hearing voices, such as arguments is common place for me. Also, I sometimes hear music. The music I hear usually comes from inanimate objects. Such as a cup, a wall, or remote control. I know it may sound strange, but that's my life. A life I still have thankfully. I'm glad I didn't die that night, because things did get better. Sure, I still have those thoughts, but I don't think I could attempt suicide again. If anyone is out there and they are thinking about ending their life, please remember you're not alone. Call someone, take a shower, or ask for help by calling The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You matter.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...