Tuesday, August 23, 2016

What it's like having Schizophrenia?


So, I've been up since 3am and although I couldn't sleep any longer, I'm still very tired. The impact from taking 1200mg of Seroquel, in order to sleep at night, can last well into the next day. I'm really groggy, but I want to accomplish things today. All morning I've been debating if I should go to the supermarket this morning, or should I wait until tomorrow. I literally sit on my couch for hours debating what I should do, and if I should put it off until another day. For instance, should I go to the store? Should I get my mail, it's been several weeks since I went to my mail box? Do I have enough money to last the rest of this month? Should I sell some of my possessions on Ebay? All these questions, as I sit almost comatose on my couch and nothing gets done. Most of my life takes place in thought, with very little action. I can't get anything done, even though I try my best and it feels like I'm stuck in mud. My inability to take action must be a side effect of my Paranoid Schizophrenia, but knowing this is little comfort to me. My life is slipping away, while I sit and watch, like a bystander.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Friday, August 19, 2016

It isn't easy, but he's worth it.


This morning was really stressful for me. It was the first time I had to get my son ready for kindergarten myself. I couldn't sleep last night because my mind kept telling me that I'm going to mess up big time. I only slept for a couple of hours, then I finally gave up and made myself some coffee. I sat in the darkness of my living room watching television. I tell you, there isn't much to watch at 3am in the morning. The coffee was a bad idea because it only made my nerves worse. When my son woke up, I made him something to eat, and we talked about school. He's a little hyper and doesn't sit still at the end of the day, so the teacher constantly reminds me that he needs to work on it. I tell my son that if he's good, I'll play with him and his action figures when he gets home. Time went fast this morning and I struggled to get ready, as well as getting my son ready for school. I can't tell you how stressful it is for me. By the time we arrived at the school, I was sweating. My pills make me sweat more than usual, and it can be really embarrassing. My son noticed I was perspiring, so he asked if I was okay? I gave him a hug, and he walked into his classroom while we both gave each other a thumbs up. I want to be a good father, but sometimes it's so hard.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Thursday, August 18, 2016

It could be worse.


I've been up since 10:30 last night because of a great deal of anxiety, as well as, not being able to take my medication (Seroquel) because my son is coming over today. If I took my medication, I wouldn't be able to stay awake or be in any condition that would allow me to watch my son. I'm tired, but more than anything I'm anxious because I'll have my son until Sunday night, and I know that it will take a great deal of effort. I love having my son over because I want to be there for him. My car is currently working well enough for me to pick him up at school today, as well as, dropping him off tomorrow. I love seeing his smile, as he walks out his classroom and spots me waiting for him. However, I wish I wasn't so exhausted.

I took my cans and bottles to be recycled this morning and made thirty dollars. I can't tell you enough how much that money means to me. I'll be able to purchase food and beverages for me and my son. Because I'm disabled, I get paid once a month from Social Security, so the money really helps me. As I stood and waited for the man at the recycling center, I noticed a homeless man on a bike. He had several bags of cans to be recycled. Sometimes I feel really bad because I'm always broke, but at least I have a roof over my head. It's always been a fear of mine that I'll someday be homeless. My life is difficult and I may not have much, but it could be worse.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      
If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      
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Tuesday, August 16, 2016

First day of kindergarten for my son was special. The second day, not so much.



So, last week was my son's first day of kindergarten and I was both nervous and excited. It's easy to understand why I was excited, but I was also nervous because I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be there for him. Luckily my ex said she wanted me to be there and take part in the experience. My son looked so cute that morning and he gave me a big hug when he saw me. I was so proud to see my little man entering kindergarten. I was also lucky enough to have him come to my apartment and spend the night, so I could take him to school on his second day of kindergarten. Unfortunately, that morning started off terrible. While walking my son to my car, I noticed the passenger side door was open and my son's child seat hanging out, still attached to the seat belt. Upon further inspection, I noticed some tools, sun glasses, and my CD player were also missing. Someone had thrown out everything inside my glove compartment and scattered the papers all over the inside of my car. I was devastated. This wasn't the first time someone had broken into my car since I moved to the apartment complex I currently live in. My son didn't understand what was going on, so he stood silently, as I attempted to fix his car seat. I still had to get him to school, so there was no time to waste. As we drove down the street, my son asked if I could turn on my CD player. The CD player in my car wasn't a stereo. It was an old compact disc player that I attached mini speakers to, so I could play ABC and children songs for my son, while I drove. You see, my son has a speech problem, and the songs help him improve in that area. Instead of telling him that someone stole it, I told a little white lie. I just said, "It needs batteries." We eventually made it to his school and I gave him a big hug! Only after returning to my car, I was brought to tears because I was upset. I didn't want to be upset around my son. He deserves so much more than I can currently give him. He's my life and my only love.






If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      









Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Isolation kills the soul.



Living alone and suffering from Paranoid Schizophrenia is soul crushing. I have absolutely nobody to talk to, and it hurts deeply. I have no friends to speak of, and no contact with my family, except for the occasional message on Facebook from a niece of mine. I mean, there's a good reason I don't speak to my family anymore. However, the having no friends, is my fault I guess. I'm not very social and my illness tends to have me withdraw from the world, almost completely. If I didn't have my son visit the three days I'm given the opportunity to have him over my apartment, I wouldn't have any contact with the outside world. Unfortunately, because my car is over twenty years old and prone to breaking down, my visits with my son aren't guaranteed. I really don't know how to change my life. I sit on my living room couch for hours on end, thinking about how I could change my situation, but nothing changes. I often catch myself saying, "I know" out loud because I'm answering my internal self talk. Which isn't self talk at all, it's more like self bashing. As I write this, I'm sitting on my couch and wondering if I have it in myself to change my life, or am I destined to be alone forever? I don't want to be alone anymore.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      


Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Beware the misconceptions, when it comes to mental illness.


If it's one thing that I hope to convey, by keeping this blog, it's to help end the misconceptions people have about mental illness. Of course, I can only do so much, when it comes to educating people about my illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia) and I'm hardly an expert on other mental conditions. I can only share my experiences and allow anyone who cares to read this blog, an opportunity to walk in my shoes, so to speak. Firstly, since I've been diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia, people have treated me a lot different. The difference mostly is unwarranted fear. They think that I'm going to hurt them physically, so they are immediately standoffish. Secondly, people tend to have the idea that Paranoid Schizophrenia means that you have multiply personalities, which isn't the case. People with Schizophrenia tend to withdraw from society. This is true in my case because the thought of being open and honest with someone about my illness, in the past, as always lead to disappoint. The fear of the unknown makes people assume the worse I suppose. For years, I was left with no option but to lie and keep my illness a secret. However, living a lie isn't sustainable, in my opinion and the truth eventually comes out. Currently, I don't have any friends. It's a hard pill to swallow because I yearn for companionship with others. Unfortunately, my illness comes with conditions, like any friendship would. I can't always be there, for a friend. I have bad days that could lead into weeks and sometimes months of depression. Somebody who would want to befriend me would have to understand that although I'm super nice and have a lot of empathy toward others, I'm sometimes ruled by my illness. Currently, I have my illness in check, with medication and occasional therapy, however, circumstances can quickly change my outlook on life. Day to day concerns that most people take on can be debilitating to me. The stress of a bad day can cause my symptoms to materialize. These symptoms are sometimes auditory hallucinations, as well as visual hallucinations. The thought of growing close to someone and worrying about what my illness will bring in the coming days or weeks scares me. It isn't that I'm going to hurt anyone. The fact is, I'll withdraw and become extremely depressed. Who wants that from a friend? It takes someone special to be my friend and their aren't many takers. I have to believe my lack of friendship is also my fault because I don't have much faith in people anymore. I'm not saying everyone is bad and I'm the only good person out there. No, not at all, I just have had a lot of life experiences with people who hurt me emotionally and I'm afraid to be hurt again. So, if you are out there and you make assumptions when people disclose that they have a mental illness, it wouldn't hurt to find out the truth about such an illness before you hold onto your own misconceptions.






If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      



Friday, July 29, 2016

God, I get lonely sometimes... An attempted cover of Creep by Radiohead.




God, I get lonely sometimes, especially when my car doesn't start and I can't have my son over for the weekend.











If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...