Thursday, December 31, 2015

Christmas will never be the same.


Celebrating Christmas isn't the same when you have no family or friends around. It slowly but surely becomes just another day in your life. A day where you are constantly reminded by the media, just how alone you truly are. I had Christmas decorations boxed up in my closet but I couldn't bring myself to bring them out. Then for a brief moment in time, I put away all my selfishness and realized I had to celebrate Christmas, for my son. I would only have my son for a few hours on Christmas Eve but I had to get into the Christmas spirit for him. My son was going to have memories of me and I want them to be happy ones. I took out the fake plastic Christmas tree and adorned it with lights and ornaments. I wrapped up the few presents I was able to save up and buy for him. I wrote in big letters on 8 1/2 x 11 single sheet paper, "Merry Christmas Aiden!" I wanted it to be as special as I could make it for my four year old son. When his mom dropped him off at my door, he looked all around the living room and saw the Christmas decorations. He smiled from ear to ear and jumped into my arms and said, "I love you Da!" Moments like that are why I try my best to keep going, in spite of my Paranoid Schizophrenia. I want my son to have cherished memories of me, no matter how brief. His mother picked him up a few hours later and my son gave me a kiss good bye. I then sat on my couch and cried like a baby for about an hour. Christmas will never be the same.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...










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#ParanoidSchizophrenia #Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mentalhealthawareness #ProjectExclamationPoint #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression #Sexualabuse




Wednesday, December 23, 2015

It's been 8 months since I've uploaded a video... I'm still here.





At one time I wanted to upload videos onto Youtube in a regular basis. I wanted to share my story and give people some insight into the life of someone who suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia. Well, it's been 8 months since I uploaded a new video. Hopefully I'll be able to share more of myself on YouTube in the future. Thank you and God Bless.




Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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#ParanoidSchizophrenia #Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mentalhealthawareness #ProjectExclamationPoint #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression #Sexualabuse

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

"But It Did Happen."



Being alone is hard and I'm alone a lot. I spend a great deal of my time with self talk. I sit on my couch and think about my future and how scary it seems and also my past; my ugly past. I can't say that my entire past was awful because that wouldn't be true. I can think of many times where I thought my world was truly complete. The times I spent with my family when I was younger were some of the best times of my life. Unfortunately, things happen and I had to make decisions that changed nearly everything. I didn't ask to be sexually assaulted by my step dad. I didn't ask for my family to turn their back on me and support my step dad, instead of me. How could they have my family done this to me? The easy answer is money and in the end, it was all about money and what they could get from my step dad. They couldn't turn their back on him, he was their meal ticket. My mother, although supportive at first, lied to me. She told me that the my step dad would be nothing to her and she knew exactly how I felt because she was molested when she was young. Only my mother lied because the truth was that she wanted me to keep my mouth shut and foolishly I did just that at first. For months I kept my mouth shut but in the interim, my mom grew closer to my step dad, while ignoring me and my feelings. My mother wanted me to be silent and have the passage of time blow everything under the drug. However, I saw this happening and I raised my voice and told them I'd go to the police, if they didn't give me the money they took from my disability checks in the recent years, so I could move out and get away from them. Unfortunately, that didn't work because my entire family sided with my step dad and were going to call me a liar. My entire family was going to side with my step dad and if I went to the authorities, they would say my illness made me a liar and I was crazy. All because they wanted the perks of having my step dad finance their life and not uproot their idea lifestyle. Money, it was about money. I did get away and now I find myself alone in Sacramento, California. Where I had hope to start a new life with a girl I met online. Of course, that didn't last and I'm alone. Well, not entirely because I get to see my son a few days a week. The time my son isn't with me is spent locked up in my apartment watching television and wishing for a better life, all the while suffering from Paranoid Schizophrenia. I found out later that my step dad messed with my younger sister before he forced himself on me. People say, "How can you let a guy take your pants off and suck your dick?" They say, "You probably let it happen because you're secretly gay." The truth is, I was out cold from taking a heavy dose of Seroquel. I couldn't stop him from molesting me. Should I have beaten the man up? Think about it; my family would side with him and call me a liar. I'd end up in jail and lose my disability check. It only took a few years later for my step dad to die of cancer, after the fact. I felt no joy or it didn't really make me happy. My only thoughts were of my mother, brother, and sister. They finally got what they want. They got the dead man's house, car, and money. Everything they wanted and were afraid to lose, if they stood by me. Now, I'm alone and have no contact with any of my family. Life isn't fear and I can only pray to God that my life will be okay and it won't get worse. Because right now, the loneliness is really getting to me.





Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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#ParanoidSchizophrenia #Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mentalhealthawareness #ProjectExclamationPoint #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression #Sexualabuse

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The holiday season = Depression and more Schizophrenia related symptoms.



The holiday season is difficult and my depression gets the best of me. Depression and Schizophrenia doesn't mix well because my depression triggers a lot of my symptoms. I have a lot more audible hallucinations and my only drive is to sleep the day away. Finding the balance of medication, in order to sleep and to be awake when I have to be is very difficult. Seroquel can really kick me in the behind and leave me almost in a coma like state. The Prozac I take often gives me a boost in spirit, but more so energy wise. It's a delicate balance made more difficult when I'm able to have my son visit me. He's only four years old and full of energy. He wants all of my attention and I have to be in the best state of mind to do the job. I love my son so very much and I want to be the best father in the world but I know I can do a lot better. I really can't take the Seroquel when I have him over because I have to be fully awake and able to watch him. The time I have with my son is the best and I wouldn't trade it for the world. He's my everything. However, I go without sleep for long periods of time when I'm able to have him over. The Seroquel I take is the only way I can get a full night sleep that isn't interrupted by audible hallucinations or insomnia. I truly wish there was a balance I could take when it comes to my medication but that doesn't exist for now. It's a real struggle and I can't put in words how hard I try to be the best father I can be. Christmas is for children and I want my son to have joyous memories and not be affected by my illness.





There is still no luck in obtaining enough money for a good used car, in order to keep having my son visit me weekly. I've managed to save a couple hundred dollars but Christmas and car troubles have blown much of that away. Also, I have to purchase one of those newer car seats for my son because he's getting too big for the one I have in my car now. I feel badly when I drive to the store or when I'm taking my son places because my car looks like a piece of junk and makes a lot of noise when it idles. I hope one day I can do all the things I want for my son. I'm trying my best by going to college part time and trying to get back into society. I've been disabled for over a decade and haven't worked for so long but I want my son to be proud of his daddy. I never want him to look at me with those eyes that pity my existence. I've seen my estranged family and forgotten friends give me that look at it's always soul crushing.






Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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#ParanoidSchizophrenia #Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mentalhealthawareness #ProjectExclamationPoint #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression #Sexualabuse

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

A sort of Thanksgiving.








It's difficult being alone in the first place but when you add the holiday season, it sometimes becomes unbearable. I use to fear that I would eventually live a life with little or no contact with society and unfortunately the fear has come true. Thanksgiving was really hard on me because I have fond memories of my family getting together and sharing the best meal of the year. Afterwards, I would have the pleasure of interacting with my family and witnessing a togetherness that I currently wished I had. Thanksgiving was really my favorite holiday but now it just highlights the fact that I'm alone now. I spent the entire day sitting on my couch watching football games and various television shows. Around three o'clock I became hungry and decided to warm up my microwave turkey dinner. I splurged on dinner rolls in order to make my meal more complete. The dinner wasn't that bad but I never felt so alone. The loneliness of the holiday season is sometimes too much for me to handle. I started to cry after I finished my meal. It will never be the same and I'm slowly realizing this fact. The only joy of the day came when my ex girlfriend dropped off my son around nine. He was so happy to see me and he wanted us to play with his Hot Wheels, so I sat down on the carpet and played cars with him for about an hour. He fell asleep leaning against me on the floor, while still holding one of his Hot Wheel cars. Laying on the floor for so long made my legs hurt, as well as, my back. I wasn't comfortable at all. Still, I sat on the ground with my son for another hour or so, even though he was cuddled up against me and sound asleep. I needed to feel wanted by someone. I'm so thankful to have him with me, even if it's a few days a week. I can't imagine life without him.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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#Paranoid Schizophrenia #Schizophrenia #Mental Illness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mental health awareness #Sexual abuse #Project Exclamation Pointn #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression









Wednesday, November 18, 2015

This is my message in a bottle...



One of my biggest fears is to be alone and forgotten. This fear has always been in the back of my mind. I would imagine my life empty of family or friends and it would scare me so badly, I did my best to shake it from my thoughts. I thought about living alone in an apartment and spending my days locked up inside with little or no contact from the outside world. Unfortunately, this fear has come true and I'm alone. I sit on my couch and talk to myself and wonder what will become of me? It's so hard for me to reach out to people and my family is out of the picture because of the past sexual assault from my step dad has broken my ties with all my family members. The only thing that keeps me going is the three days a week that I can spend with my four year old son. He's my everything and once a week I go to his daycare and pick him up in order for him to spend time with me. He says, "Give me huggies" when he lays eyes on me for the first time. He runs into my arms and gives me the biggest hug while he literally screams with joy. The daycare workers marvel at how excited my son gets when he realizes I'm there to pick him up. I've done everything I can think of to keep this part of my life from going away but my car is dying and I don't have the money to buy another used car. I need help so badly and as I write this blog entry, I hope that there is someone out there that has a heart and helps me. This is my message in a bottle.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...










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Friday, October 16, 2015

Is it ever okay to lie?





Is it ever okay to lie? Before you answer that question, please think about it for a while because that particular question isn't always, as easy as, answering yes or no. It seems throughout my entire adult life, especially since I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia, the need to outright lie or lie by omission has been my only option, if I wanted to be treated as someone that shouldn't be feared. I know what you're thinking, at least some of you out there are judging me already. "It's never a good idea to lie" or "You need to be honest with people" are just some of the thoughts crossing the minds of people who are taking their time to read this blog. Okay, I admit that lying in general is wrong and honesty is certainly always the best policy, but there are always exceptions. Of course, I'm not talking about the so-called little white lies everyone tells each day without giving much thought or consideration. I'm writing about lying and telling people that there isn't anything wrong with me. You see, in the beginning I was open and honest about my condition but doing so made everyone nervous and afraid. Some people actually believe when I tell them that I have Paranoid Schizophrenia, I'll physically hurt them. Still, others believe my condition means that I suffer from multiple personalities. Like I wrote once before, you hear the term "Paranoid Schizophrenia" and think mass shooter or lone gunman. I'm not someone that should be feared, if anything, I just need a little compassion. Life isn't easy for me and I struggle each day. I constantly worry about my future and I feel so alone. So, in the past I've had to lie several times and did my best to keep my condition a secret. It was the only way I was able to make a friend or have a relationship with a woman. I felt bad about lying to people but the loneliness was so unbearable. I know that isn't any excuse but it's the only one I have. In the end, I'm alone again and I have no family or friends. So, like I asked from the start, is it ever okay to lie?









Please support Project Exclamation Mark... It may not become anything but perhaps, if it's meant to be, it can change everything.




If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...












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Wednesday, October 14, 2015

"Project Exclamation Point!" Founded October 14, 2015...


Well, they say that change begins with you, and I'm really hoping that's true. However, I'm not looking to reinvent the wheel or find a cure for cancer. My hope is that I bring awareness to mental illness, in my particular Paranoid Schizophrenia, with my simple idea, "Project Exclamation Point!" Most people have heard of, "Project Semicolon" and their mission statement: Dedicated to presenting hope and love for those who are struggling with mental illness, suicide, addiction, and self-injury. Project Semicolon exist to encourage, love, and inspire. However, my idea is not only to bring awareness to Paranoid Schizophrenia and various mental illnesses, but to give a voice to people who have none. Also, I want the use of an exclamation point, instead of a semicolon, because I want to show the urgency we need, in order to tackle and treat mental illness. Today, more than ever, people with mental illness are getting nothing but bad press and it's really disheartening because the majority of individuals who suffer from mental illness aren't violent at all. Their only concern is getting through the day and not be treated as outcast by an unsympathetic public. Also, there is a very misinformed populace when it comes to the true nature of various mental illnesses. For instance, I suffer from a sometimes very debilitating illness called Paranoid Schizophrenia but sadly, if you ask someone on the street what that means, they'll say, "That means you're crazy" or "Doesn't that mean you have multiple personalities?" How sad that people think the worse of people who suffer in silence but when a mass shooting, like the one at Umpqua Community College takes place, the call to get guns out of the hands of crazy people gets shouted from every rooftop. I wrote about how I feel the other day when it comes to the perception that the public has when it comes to the tragic mass killings taking place in our country. So, my idea for change is this, "Project Exclamation Point!"


PROJECT EXCLAMATION POINT

Mission Statement: A non profit organization, myself, that wants to bring not only awareness, but spread the word that people with various mental illnesses need to be heard and given a voice. We, as a group, will no longer be marginalized or become the inevitable scapegoat for the numerous ills that plague today's society.










If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...













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Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I don't want to feel lost anymore.


It isn't that I don't believe things can change for the better, it's just that I have this fear it won't happen for me. I get lost when all my thoughts consume me and the days turn into weeks. Life becomes a blur and I have trouble recalling events or certain conversations. This irritates me a great deal because I don't enjoy being called a liar and the thought of forgetting scares me to death. I try my best to hold on to my fleeting memories, especially those that involve my son because to lose thoughts would devastating. Unfortunately, when I think about it for awhile, how can I remember what I lost? Will my son grow up looking at me as some empty vessel of confused thoughts? Will I be someone that he will feels sorry for, instead of someone that he admires? It's my hope that someone will remind him how hard I'm trying to get back what I've lost, if I can't be the one to tell him myself.

Please support Project Exclamation Mark... It may not become anything but perhaps, if it's meant to be, it can change everything.




If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...







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Monday, October 12, 2015

Instead of Project Semicolon, how about Project Exclamation Point!


Project semicolon was supposedly created to give hope and love to people who suffer from depression, suicide, addiction and self injury. A semicolon because it represents that ones life or their story isn't over. What punctuation mark represents people who suffer from mental illness, like Paranoid Schizophrenia? Maybe a exclamation point is fitting because people who suffer from debilitating mental illness need help! Yes, we need help! How about project Exclamation Point?! We can be a group of people who believe that we need to scream from the roof tops and shout with a loud voice, just in order to be heard. Otherwise, we are destined to be marginalized and kept from public view. Will this make the world better a better place for people who suffer from the various mental illnesses out there? Probably not, but it will give us something we don't have...a voice.






Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...








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Monday, October 5, 2015

I'm not responsible for the mass shooting that took place, in Oregon, at Umpqua Community College.




So, I turn on my television this past week and learned of an another school shooting that tragically took the lives of several people at a small Oregon college. I stared at the screen for hours on end, as the horror of the days events were replayed, as well as, analyzed by various news organizations. President Obama made another call for stricter gun laws, while second amendment enthusiast felt he was politicizing the tragedy. What did I wait for? I'm not going to be coy or refrain from showing my disgust on so many levels for what eventually takes place after such a tragic event. In the end, the mantra is, "We need to take the guns away from the crazy people." When it seems like the whole entire country is adopting a more feel good attitude toward gender identity and the rights of gay individuals, they continually throw people that suffer from mental illness under the bus. Why is that? The answer isn't difficult to explain, and it sadly shows how far The United States lags behind when it comes to equal rights for all. I have suffered from mental illness for the majority of my life, and I have never had the impulse to buy a gun, or kill people indiscriminately but you wouldn't think that by watching the various news media outlets this past week. Us, "Crazy People" need to be identified and put on some a list that should displayed in every town square in The United States. We should be feared and outed by friends and family, in order to prevent future mass shootings...it's the only way! The plight of most mentally ill people is difficult enough but what am I to think when I hear a well respected politician, such as, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee say, "Gun laws won't stop crazies," or similar quotes coming from people with influence and various positions of power? I'm left wondering if they really understand that lumping all people who suffer from mental illness together can led to dangerous consequences? I fear that in the end, this way of thinking will cause people with mental illness to hide in the shadows or not seek medical treatment because of the fear, and subsequent backlash from a society looking for a scapegoat. I'm quite aware that there are dangerous people in our society but a well informed public shouldn't be mislead into believing that all these mass shootings are done by people seeking help with a diseases that doesn't discriminate, like mental illness. Most people who suffer from mental health problems do their best, and sadly it's a difficult life for a lot of them. They can be your friend, family member, or next door neighbor, but most of all they should never be labeled as, "Crazy." So, it is my dream that the shunning of today's mentally ill comes to an end immediately, and we as a country find solutions that don't involve the chastising of more innocent victims.









Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...







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Wednesday, September 30, 2015

My big fat "Leave me alone" blanket.




Sometimes, while I  sit on my couch and look around my small apartment, I think, "Is this it?" I suppose everybody has dreams. Dreams that they secretly hope one day will come true but when does that window close? When do you have to accept your lot in life? I keep thinking about my future and how I can possibly make it better but my thoughts continue to bring me down. I use to think that everyone had an inner voice that occasionally was audible, especially when nobody was around. A voice that always spoke of the worse possible outcomes. This voice in my head continues to tell me that nothing is going to change and things will only get worse. It often leaves me feeling drained of any enthusiasm and the feeling of wanting to give up. My return to college hasn't been very successful. I thought it was possible I could make friends but I don't know how to do it and if I did, I'm not sure I would be a good friend to have. It isn't that I come across as negative because I really think I hide it from the world. I feign happiness and do my best to seem like any normal person but I'm not sure if that's even working. Then, on the rare chance I meet someone that wants to get to know me, I drop the ball and come across as if I don't want to get to know them or that I have no time for them. This couldn't be further from the truth but I think the fact that I haven't had a friend in so many years, I embrace my isolation. As much as being alone hurts me emotionally, I've grown to accept it and wrapped myself in a big "Leave me alone" blanket.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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Monday, September 21, 2015

All my friends are in my head.



Some people live their lives joyfully but pretty much my entire life takes place inside my head. There's constant self talk taking place and I'm often left thinking of the worse possible outcomes on a continuous loop. It's exhausting, as well as, depressing and it leaves me in a constant state of anxiety. I can't possibly put in words what it is like to live this way but I suppose you can imagine what it's like. When I was younger, I thought everyone had to deal with life this way and I didn't think I was different in any particular way but I've learned that isn't true. I don't wear a cast on my arm or use a wheel chair to get around, so when people look at me, they don't believe anything is wrong with me. I'm sure they think I'm just a drain on the system and should be put away some where or they think nothing is wrong with me and I should just snap out of it. Do you think I want to live this way? I woke up in the middle of the night and felt so alone that I began to cry. I looked at my phone and wished there was someone I could call but there wasn't. I started to pace and run my hands constantly through my hair. My anxiety was on full effect and I had nowhere to turn. I use to have suicidal thoughts and even attempted to kill myself with pills and booze in the past but I don't have it in me to do that, as far as I know. I wish for death sometimes but not at my own hands. Sometimes I wish I would die in my sleep or have something kill me health wise because I often feel overwhelmed and so very alone. My faith in God and the possibility of going to hell keeps me from taking my life but that doesn't stop this hurt. This isn't the life I imagined when I was younger and I always thought I would beat this somehow but I'm so lost. So very lost and alone.






Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...





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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

"I used constant worry as a talisman against bad things happening to me." - Conan O'Brien





Returning to school has been very difficult for me and I've been depressed about it from the start. My motivation for returning to school wasn't strictly to enhance my education. My main reason was the hope of receiving The Pell Grant funds I thought I would be allocated for college but sadly, I've been denied any money from the government because of my previous delinquent student loans. I understand that people should pay their bills but my past student loans were forgiven because my Paranoid Schizophrenia got the best of me and I became disabled. Still, those forgiven loans prevent me from obtaining any money and I'm so disappointed. I intended to use the funds to purchase a used car. A car that I could use not only to drive back and forth to college but also use to be able to pick up my son for the time I'm allowed to spend with him. Also, I thought after being out of work and pretty much a shut in for over a decade, returning to school would be good for me. Perhaps it would lead to a job? I so want to be a better person for my son and that's another reason I returned to school. I'm just as sick as I ever been and the horrible thoughts that run through my head on a constant loop tear me down so much. I make mountains over mole hills on a constant basis. I think bad thoughts of how life is going to destroy me and that I have no chance for happiness. I heard of all people, Conan O'Brien of late night television say, "I used constant worry as a talisman against bad things happening to me." Those words ring so true to me but on such a grand scale. My thoughts are always going against me and no matter how I try, they continue to be negative and kill what little joy I have in my life. Without any family or friends, I thought returning to school would put me out there and change my life but instead, it has been such a burden. I remember in high school I use to get A's and B's with little trouble but during my junior year the symptom of my Paranoid Schizophrenia hit me like a ton of bricks and my grades plummeted. Like then, I can longer concentrate and have trouble focusing. I have this habit of putting things off into the last minute, then giving up. Today, I should have been in school but all I wanted to do is sleep the day away and forget everything. I'm left feeling guilty and wondering what I should do? There's nobody to talk to or set me in the right direction. I feel like I'm falling into a hole and no matter how hard I struggle, I get nowhere.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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Monday, September 14, 2015

All my relationships have led me to here; in hell.






When you're alone, thinking about relationships comes easy. I think about my past and how every little decision has led me to my current destination, which is alone. I like being in a relationship but probably for all the wrong reasons. Firstly, I don't like being alone and I have jumped into relationships because of my all consuming loneliness. I don't think that it's ever a good idea to force a relationship, just because you have a fear of being alone and all that entails. Maybe the right decisions would have led me to a life with someone that loved me as much as I loved them. A life filled with happiness and joy, unlike the one I have now. I hate to be alone but right now I don't have the strength to look for someone to fill that void. How can I love someone or even grow to love someone, if I don't love myself? My last relationship of nearly four years ended about nine months ago, but in truth, it should have never have lasted for that long of a period. Within months, I knew that she wasn't interested in the long term and I kept catching her emotionally cheating on me with guys she'd met online or from her past. The only reason I kept fighting over and over for the relationship to last was the fact that we had a son. It's all so complicated because I knew when I came to live in Sacramento, I wasn't the biological father and he wasn't going to be in the picture. Still, I was the one who brought our son home from the hospital after being in The ICU for a month. I was the one who did the majority of the rearing, so that my then girlfriend could attend and complete college. I love him, as if he was a part of me and our bond is so strong. The first time I looked into my son's eyes, I knew he would change it forever and I couldn't let him down. In fact, when he was just an infant and nobody was around, I would whisper to him, "I'll always love you and I'll never leave you." I told him this over and over because even though I knew he couldn't understand me, the weight of my worlds would get through somehow. Only now, I only get to see him three days a week. Otherwise, I'm alone in my apartment until it's time for him to return to me. Of course, I'm happy that I get to be in his life, after breaking up with my girlfriend. I still cry every time I have to drop him back off at his mom's house. I guess I should be happy that at least, I have him and he calls me, "Da." It's still a heartbreaking conclusion because in essence, I'm alone still. I don't have a friend, much less a girlfriend and it's depressing. The depression puts me in such a rut and causes me to have symptoms from my Paranoid Schizophrenia that are scary. I have these visions in my head of bad things happening to my son and they are constant. My brain works against me and shows me these horrible pictures that I can't let go. Also, I occasionally hear conversations about my son and something bad happening to him. I try to be strong and just get through my day without it getting to me, but it's hard! I'm in constant worry, not just because of these thoughts but for other reasons like, living alone, not having much money, my car breaking down and not being able to see my son. These thoughts run over and over like a broken record and leave me with a face of constant worry. Even though I have faith in God and I pray as much as I remember to, it's difficult to remain positive about my life. I really don't know what is going to happen to me, especially in the near future, but I pray that I have the strength to get through it. A relationship now wouldn't be idea because who would accept me and all my flaws?








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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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Monday, August 31, 2015

I need a miracle.




Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for being a bad person. No matter how I try, especially of late, I can't seem to catch a break. I'm trying my best to lift myself out of poverty and fight my way from the confines of my mental illness but it's so hard. I want to better myself but I don't have any support, financially or emotionally. The real reason that I want to change the tide and stop this slide that I'm currently on is my son. There's a lot that I didn't have when I was a child but not having a father figure around and a mother who was emotionally unavailable were huge obstacles. What I've been through the past couple years has left me alone and without family. I'm on disability and my future looks grim but I want to attempt some kind of miracle because I think my son deserves so much more than I'm ever going to offer if my situation doesn't change. The last few months I did my best to enroll into college and take classes, in hopes that I could get government funds to help pay for school and help me purchase a used car but that fell apart recently. The last couple of days I was told that I was going to get nearly three thousand dollars for my current semester of school but the next day it was canceled. You see, years ago I attempted to better myself and went to a business college but my illness was just too much and I couldn't complete the training. However, I have loans for nearly ten thousand dollars that were outstanding. Luckily, because I became disabled with my diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia, the loans were forgiven. This saved me because of my income is so little and I couldn't afford to pay back the loans. I was told in the email that if I reinstate the old loans, I can qualify for the government funds I was promised. Sadly, I'm in no position to be able to pay back the old loans with my current disability income, so I won't get a cent for my return to college. I'm heart broken and hurt because even though it doesn't seem like a big deal. It was very difficult for me to make the effort to go to college. I had to go take assessment tests and talk to counselors. I had to fill out complicated forms and I had no help. I'm not dumb but my illness sometimes makes it difficult to understand the easiest of tasks. I struggled to enroll to my college and just when everything was going to work out, it's back to square one. I'm taking a full schedule of classes, even though I haven't worked or attended school in over a decade. The classes and textbooks have left me in debt and with little money. I don't have much money after I pay my rent and bills, so I'm already struggling to get by. Sometimes I just want to give up and just shut myself off from the world again. Not having money to buy my son decent food, clothes, or take him any place far because my car is falling apart leaves me with an empty feeling inside. I've let myself down but more than that, I've let my son down also. I don't know what to do anymore. My depression and anxiety are tearing me apart. I pray to God for guidance and try to be a good christian but I know I fall short, like everyone else. I feel so defeated. I need a miracle.








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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Empathy.




It has been a while since I've updated this ongoing journal of my life and how I deal with my Paranoid Schizophrenia. Sometimes I get the urge to write but I don't always have access to the Internet. There are also times when I feel like writing but the thoughts seem to disappear, if I don't write them down right away. To tell the truth, a million thoughts and constant self talk invade my head throughout the day. It's hard to make sense of some of the ideas that pop into my brain. This morning I was standing in line at the local recycle center in hopes of making a fortune with my aluminum cans and I couldn't help but notice a man standing directly across from me. He appeared homeless and mentally unstable. I didn't stare at him but I noticed he was having an intense conversation with himself. The people standing in line with me were making little or no eye contact with the man, yet he was talking in our direction. I remember when I was younger, I would have little empathy for a man like him. I'd probably laugh and think to myself, "That guy is a nut job." Little did I know that there would be a time in my life when people would look at me the same way. Sometimes I can come across as odd and a little bit off but I'm lucky enough to be under a doctor's care and prescribed medication. Many people out there aren't as fortunate as me. It's a funny thing to say because I don't always feel so blessed and I do wish for so much more out of my life. I have a great deal of empathy and it comes from being in the position I'm in now and seeing the world from the other side. The side where I'm the one being judged without cause and through no fault of my own.









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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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Wednesday, August 5, 2015

It all seems a little too much at times.






So, for the last few months I've been making a concerted effort to do something with my life. It hasn't been easy because I simply don't know what the right course of action I should take. I've been on Social Security Disability for quite a long time because of my diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia. I haven't worked in such a long time and I'm really not sure I'm capable of handling the day to day pressures of a full time job. Seeking employment is a crap shoot because I can't fail. If I somehow get a job and maintain my employment but then get too sick to work any longer, I'll won't have my disability income and health insurance provided by Social Security to fall back on. I know that Social Security gives you nine months of returning to work but can I really do that? I have no family or friends to fall back on and ask for help, if I fail. The last four years I've stayed at home and watched my son grow up into a little man but since my girlfriend left me, that role has seriously diminished. I miss the fact that I no longer have a girlfriend but more than that, I miss having my son around. Sure, I get to see my son 2-3 days a week but it isn't the same. I feel like a failure and an absent father. It feels almost like I let my son down but my girlfriend leaving me was something completely out of my control. However, now I've been trying to motivate myself to return to school and further my education. I've filled out so many forms and turned in so much paperwork in order to make the dream of returning to school a reality. I'm hoping that I can get financial aid because I'm in no position to pay out of pocket the expenses that come along with returning to school. I have no idea what the outcome of my financial aid for school will be and it is a little disconcerting because I am pretty much broke. My attempts to save money to purchase a better used car hasn't been going so well and that has caused me a great deal of stress. I simply don't know what the right thing to do is and I have nobody to give me their much needed advice. I want to be the man who fell so far, only to pick himself back up and make his dreams come true. Little do people understand what Paranoid Schizophrenia adds to the burden of having to rise above it all. This disease has continually sabotaged my every move but I won't let it defeat me; not just yet.








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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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Strangers in my head.





For the last few days, the only conversations I've been having are all taking place inside my head. I remember years ago, when I lived alone, the loneliness would get to me so badly that I would drink beer and sometimes whiskey to escape the solitude. However, now I try my best to stay away from alcohol because I know it isn't the answer.  Day by day I feel trapped with the voices in my head. A great deal of my inner monologue is self defeating and brings on my depression. The other part of the voices come from disembodied characters that I've heard for many years. They constantly argue and bicker but I do my best to tune them out but it doesn't always work. A great deal of the voices are angry and their tone is accusatory. They blame me for past failures and recommend that I just end my existence. I'm grateful that I'm able to take my prescribed Seroquel and almost fully avoid their nightly harassment but in truth, I can't take my medication every night because it isn't feasible. There are some days that I must get up early and be devoid of the haze that Seroquel puts over me. I can't seem to find a balance that will work for me when it comes to prescribed medication. I don't like the thought of self medicating but lets face it, it's an inconvenient truth on my part. I use to be this person who wanted to avoid being medicated at all cost because I feared losing myself and becoming nothing short of a zombie. It is only now that I realize that there really isn't a way to avoid zombie-fying myself. If I want to live with some independence, I'll have to understand that my inner voice may be my only company at times, as well as, the unrelenting strangers inside my head.






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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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Sunday, August 2, 2015

"On the left-side of my troubled plateau."





A few years back I wrote this:

                             
"On the left-side of my troubled plateau
  I see no sunny clouds.
 Wishful thinking a fine attribute but
 when you're dead, there's no rain dance
  scheduled for today." - EAS




It was a poem I wrote for the complete despair I was feeling at the time. It is very difficult to go on with your day to day life with no sense of hope. I think you have to cling on to something; anything in order to be able to face the day. My depression, along with my Paranoid Schizophrenia, keeps me from enjoying to the fullest. Not only does my illness keep me in a depressive state, it kills my dreams and hopes for a better tomorrow. People say, "You're so strong to be able to get this far in life" but that imagined strength eventually weakens me to the point where my soul dies a little. Sure, I can somehow pick myself back up and find the inner strength to go on. My son currently gives me the only drive I have because I don't want to fail him. But is that enough? Is that supposed fear of failure, when it comes to my son, going to carry me through these dark days? I can only hope and pray that somehow I'll find some measure of happiness. Although, from my vantage point it is getting more and more difficult to envision such a time and place.










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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...









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Saturday, August 1, 2015

Certain thoughts keep me up at night.





It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. My mind is overloaded with depressive thoughts and constant self talk. As my son lays down on the couch right across from me, my thoughts turn to how lonely it is without him. On average I get to see him about three days a week but that might change soon and not for the better. He's all I have at the moment. Part of me wants to wake him up and beg him to play Minecraft with me but he needs his rest and that wouldn't be fair to him. I quickly imagine how it will be without him staying overnight as much, and I get teary eyed. I can't stop crying at the thought of my son living a life without me being there. I know he has a mother but for the last four years I've been his main caregiver. He loves me so much and when I don't pick him up from his mom's house of late, he thinks I don't love him as much. I know he's a child and I have to be the grown up but it's too hard. My Paranoid Schizophrenia constantly works against me. My illness makes me constantly think of awful scenarios that involve my life without my son in it. Sometimes these scenarios seem all too real and they stay with me. They try to confuse me into believing that something bad has happened to my son. I try to remain focused but stress triggers these awful thoughts and I can't control what is uncontrollable. My son looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I hope he never forgets how much I love him and how much I wish I could spend all my days and nights with him. It seems so tragic to me that I can't be involved in his life as much as I'd like. The idea of him possibly forgetting about me and thinking that I don't love him more than anything in this world tears me up inside. These thoughts keep me up most nights and sleep is something that continually eludes me.








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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...








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Thursday, July 30, 2015

I can't escape it.






I woke up early this morning because I had to go to the local laundry mat in order to wash my clothes. I'm so bad when it comes to keeping up with my laundry. I put it off for so long and I almost run out of things to wear. I get up really early because I don't want to have to interact with anyone and the earlier I go, the more likely I won't have any company. The doors at the laundry mat electronically unlock at 6AM and I'm there just a few minutes beforehand. I wish I could say that doing my laundry takes my mind off the problems I'm having in my life but it really doesn't. There's a constant vocal track running in my mind that goes on and on, as I wait for my clothes to wash and dry. I keep telling myself, "What if my car breaks down?" "I'll be in so much trouble if I didn't have a car." There's no much gloom and doom running in my head and it is non stop. I have so much anxiety about my car. My car is over twenty years old and on its last legs. I have no money to speak of, so I constantly worry what might happen if my car breaks down. I sometimes imagine a life where I had friends and family. People I could count on if I got in some financial trouble. I don't remember having someone I could call or talk to about my problems. I haven't had a close or even semi close friend in ages and I wish that wasn't true. I want someone to worry about me or show some concern about my well being but I have nobody. There are times I try to connect with people but I just lack the ability or social components to keep people in my life. My Paranoid Schizophrenia keeps my brain filled with worry and with a sense of dread that I can't describe in a way that would justify its all consuming effect on my day to day life. I live in a reality of fear and I'm unable to escape, even with my current medication. So in other words, it was just a typical laundry day.








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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...







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Tuesday, July 21, 2015

There's no place like home?





Well, I'm now at my new home and it's pretty much what I expected it to be, as far as the neighborhood and people but at least I'm blessed to have a home. I just have to get used to the unsupervised kids who make this rundown apartment complex a personal playground. I'm not against children playing, even in an apartment building but the kids that live here swear constantly and run up and down the stairs for hours at a time. Even when it's 3AM, I hear from the ceiling above the kids that live upstairs run back and forth non stop. My main concern is having my son overhear the constant swearing from the children that live here. I want my son to grow up the right way and I want him to know right from wrong. I can only do my best and pray to God that I somehow find a way out of here but that will be very difficult. I've been on disability for years because of my Paranoid Schizophrenia and I haven't worked in a long time. I really don't know if I'd be able to handle the stress of having a job but I really want to try. My fear is that I find work and it goes well for a few months but then I get too sick to continue. I don't want to lose my health insurance or my disability income. I know that Social Security lets you work and still continue with their monthly check, even if you work but it does stop after I believe nine months. I'm so scared that I'll do well and then I'll get so sick and lose both a new job and my Social Security. I don't have any family that I talk to anymore and there's a good reason why they are no longer in my life, so that leaves me standing alone. There isn't a day that goes bye that I don't have stress and anxiety about being so cutoff and alone in my life. It makes me depressed and I have this sense of doom. I fight these feelings everyday and I pray to God things will change in my life but it's difficult to believe. I'm sitting here holding back tears, in my new home, trying to remain positive.








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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...







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Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Sleep the day away.






Lately I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of loneliness and it has kept me sleeping most of my days away. I don't think I would have gone outside this past week if it wasn't necessary for me to do so. Unfortunately, I have to move out of my apartment by the end of the week because the rent is just too high where I currently live. After looking for the past two months for a new apartment, I was able to find one that would accept me. I've been having trouble finding a new apartment because I simply don't make enough money but the killer on most of my applications for a new home is the fact that I have an eviction on my record. You see, back in 2010 I moved into an apartment with my younger sister and her two young children. I thought it would be perfect for me but the sad fact was that it was doomed from the start. I had no idea that younger sister was a Meth Head and hooked on meth but I found out the truth quickly. She acted bizarre and a whole lot of strange things happened in the first month. I went to the rental office and told the landlady that I wanted out of my month to month lease but she informed me that I needed to have my sister come down and sign off the lease also. She informed me that I wasn't able to put 30 day notice without my sister doing it also. I was left with no choice but to leave the premises and move in with a family member temporarily. I found out months later that my younger sister didn't leave the apartment we shared for months and she had to be evicted. So, now I have an eviction on my record for the next 7 to 10 years and there's nothing I can do about it. The ending balance on the apartment is over four thousand dollars and I've never had that kind of money in my entire life. Truthfully, even if I paid the amount, the eviction would remain on my record. The new apartment I found isn't the greatest but it wasn't like I had a choice. It's run down and in a very bad neighborhood. I noticed a lot of people loitering around the building when I went to look at the apartment. I never really thought I would be put in such a position but the truth surrounds me. I think that's why I'm so depressed. In the next few days I'll have to snap out of it for a little while because I have to move by Saturday. God, I believe in you with all my heart, so please hear my prayers.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...









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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

My two cents on why it might be difficult for someone to be comfortable helping me.



Looking back to the start or origin of this blog, It was created for a very selfish reason. I thought the only way I could get help from my current situation was to put it out there on the Internet and share my story. Sure I wanted to give some insights on my diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenia but more than anything I needed and I still very much need financial help from anyone who is in a position to help me monetarily. At first, I felt extremely guilty for creating this blog in hopes of someone sending a little cash my way but that faded quickly because I had nowhere to turn. I no longer have contact with any of my family members and for good reason, plus I have zero friends to speak of. I created a GoFundMe account and listed a PayPal email address on every entry of this blog but after five months, I haven't received a penny. I'm aware that there are a lot of people more deserving of help, so I don't feel too bad. I understand that having a car that breaks down and soon will be ready for the salvage yards isn't the worse situation. I understand that having a car that runs is the only way I'll be able to continue to have a relationship with my son but that still isn't extreme poverty. I understand that even though I barely can afford the apartment I live in, I still am lucky to have a roof over my head. Still, I wish there was someone out there who could help me, just once. I know it's a lot to ask but I'm desperate. I'll even put my mailing address out there Eric Smith, 4907 Mack Road #139, Sacramento, CA 95823. I'm afraid to put my mailing address out there because I'm scared I'll get an unwelcome visitor. Unfortunately, I'm in no position to worry if some crazed individual will show up at my door. Look, part of me understands why if someone is reading this blog and feels for my situation but is afraid to help me because I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia. I can see where it would be scary for someone that doesn't know me and thinks that if they help me, I'll keep coming after them for help or even bother them continuously. I understand because I live in a somewhat bad neighborhood and when I go to the local supermarket I get approached by homeless me asking for money. I sometimes give them some change but they also can make me feel uncomfortable, as well. I guess that I'll just have to have some faith and keep pressing on. I'll continue to share my life and battle with Paranoid Schizophrenia as long as I can. I'll pray everyday that somehow my life will change for the better. God is good...






Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...








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