Thursday, February 26, 2015

When it comes to falling asleep, I'm failing miserably.





No matter how much I try to fall asleep at a decent hour, I fail miserably of late. I sit in front of my television watching reruns of shows I've watched hundreds of times before and yet, I can not wind down and fall asleep. My mind continues to race and never stops reliving the events of the day or the heartbreak I have for not being able to see my son as often as I'd like. I'm taking 900mg of Seroquel at night and it just isn't doing the job. I remember when I first started taking Seroquel and how it use to wipe me out but that isn't the case anymore. I have a doctor's appointment in less than a month and I'll have to ask him to increase my dosage. I'm not looking forward to the trip because I'll have to take numerous buses to get there and back. My car just isn't working well enough for me to chance taking a half hour trip in stop and go traffic. Sometimes I wish I could win the lottery and buy a nice car, so I wouldn't have to worry about my car breaking down anymore. Tomorrow is The Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes announcement for the winner of five thousand dollars a week for the rest of your life. I'm not going to lie. I'm going to be looking through my window throughout the day to see if I can spot the Publisher's Clearing House winning van. Even one check for five thousand dollars would solve me current dilemma. I could go out and purchase a reliable used car and let go of that constant worry. Sure, it wouldn't solve all my problems but it would elevate some and that would be a giant burden off my shoulders. My mind is racing and it's mostly worry and it will be the death of me because it wears me down. I feel like I don't have anyone in the world to run to anymore. My family has turned their back on me because I spoke out on being molested by my step dad. Now I'm sitting alone in my apartment most of the day wishing I could be with my son. It isn't fair but life isn't fair and I'll just have to struggle through my days until I find the strength to move on with my life. It won't be easy because I only have myself.










Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...







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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

"I love you Da."




I'm missing the other half of my heart. Every time I have to drop my son off at his mother's house, he kicks and screams because he wants to stay with me. He says in an emotional voice, "I love you Da" "I love you Da" "I love you Da" over and over. I try to stay strong but I break down in tears. I'm convinced he thinks I don't love him. I walk to my car quickly in order to drive away and leave the scene as fast as I can. Knowing that next week I'll have to go through the same thing and it kills me inside. I love him so much and I wish I never had to say, "Good bye."










Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...





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Thursday, February 19, 2015

I can't look at myself in the mirror.





I never really look in the mirror. I more or less squint when I'm shaving or grooming myself. A lot of people find it hard to believe that someone can go through life without looking into a mirror but I can. It really has nothing to do with me not liking what I look like. I just have this fear of looking into my eyes. The thought of seeing my reflection sends me into a state of high anxiety. It's a fear that I can't really explain or put into words. I feel if I looked into my eyes, I'd see someone I didn't know or recognize. My morning shave has me leaning so close to the mirror that I obscure my view. When I brush my hair, I'll kneel down, so that I can only see my hair in the mirror. It has been a routine I've followed since I was in my teens. I sometimes wonder if that's part of my illness. I don't know if having Paranoid Schizophrenia plays a part in this but if it does, I'm positive that I won't be able to look in the mirror for the rest of my life. I don't know that person in the mirror. There are times when I squint and I'm able to see the man in the mirror but he has grown old. He isn't worth my consideration.







Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Risperdal = Male breast + Milk production?




While watching television of late, I've noticed a great deal of commercials from law offices that are looking for men/boys who took Risperdal and have grown male breast. The medical term is Gynecomastia. Over a decade ago I was prescribed Risperdal for my Paranoid Schizophrenia symptoms and that had me thinking. Well, not so much thinking because it made me take action. I'm not in the greatest shape and I don't have a well defined chest, so does that mean I have male breast or just a case of man boobs? There's also a secondary condition called Galactorrhea which causes milk
production in men/boys. I'm not about to squeeze my nipples in order to find out I can produce milk. I really can't remember the side effects of Risperdal. I know I took it for several years along with Prozac, Depakote, and Attivan. The drug combination wasn't as effective as the drug cocktail I'm taking now. I currently take Seroquel, Prozac, and Attivan. The Seroquel is a wonder drug to me. I can't remember the last time I've had a full nights sleep. It also helps eliminate the auditory hallucinations. However, I wouldn't say its cured me. I'm not sure there is a cure to be found.
So, the next I see a commercial from law offices looking for men/boys who have grown breast, I'll look down my t shirt and wonder.












Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Saying you have a mental illness isn't the best ice breaker.




Because of my illness, making and keeping friends is sometimes close to impossible, at least for me. The last time I can remember having a close friend was all the way back in grade school. Since then, I literally have no one. Of course, this isn't by choice and I'd like to have a bunch of friends but it never works out. The few relationships I've had in my life, including the most recent, were with women that also became my only friend. Right now, since my girlfriend left and took my son with her, I'm currently friendless. I mean, I still get to see my son about once a week but that's just not enough because I love him so much. Don't get me wrong, because I do miss my ex girlfriend also but I sensed for a while she wanted the relationship to end. I guess it's harder than I think for someone to want to be with me. I normally don't go out much but that changes when I'm in a relationship because I'm kind of forced to be something that's very difficult to maintain. I'm usually depressed for no apparent reason and I do have symptoms that would make someone uncomfortable. For instance, I do have auditory hallucinations and the occasional visual hallucination. You'd have to be someone really special to accept my limitations. I can see why my ex girlfriend told me that she was afraid that if we had children, they might be born with my illness. Hearing that from her was such a blow to my entire being. I'm still hurting from it but it isn't something I'm not used to unfortunately. Honestly, making and keeping friends is very difficult because I can't be who they want me to be. It isn't like I have a wheel chair or I'm walking around in crutches. People look at me and say to themselves, "You don't look sick." Well, it isn't like I wear a t shirt explaining my illness, so I've come to expect that kind of statement. Yes, I have Paranoid Schizophrenia but I'm not a bad person and you shouldn't be afraid to get to know me.















Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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Monday, February 16, 2015

Time travel doesn't cause mental illness, or does it?

I've read somewhere that the onset of Paranoid Schizophrenia is likely between the ages of 16 and 25. It isn't that you can't get the illness before or after that age range but it's more than likely than not. I've seen a cable show where this very young girl named Jani Schofield was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. I know that when I was around the age of sixteen, I was already having frequent auditory hallucinations. They ranged from conversations I would hear at night that seemed directed toward me. The voices I heard sometimes where outright angry in tone. For instance, they would tell me that I didn't deserve to live or that I was a burden that should be put away in a hospital forever. I can even remember being around the age of six telling my mother that I would see ghost at night. She often shrugged it off as a kid with a vivid imagination. The truth is, I feared the night. One such night, I was laying in my top bunk bed with my older sister asleep on the bottom. I didn't know what woke me but as I rubbed my eyes and looked toward my walk in closet I saw a ghost like gray figure of a man. The man slowly walked toward my bunk bed with a blank stare on his face. I was beyond scared and started to whisper to my sister, for she could wake up. unfortunately, my sister was out like a light. As the ghost like man approached me, I began to notice what he was wearing and I had a very good look at his face. He was wearing a striped dress shirt with suspenders, as if he was dressed for a white color job. I didn't recognize is face as he approached the bunk bed but he quickly was at eye level with me as I laid in bed. The next thing I knew he was waving his hand across my face. He saw that my eyes were open and I was in extreme terror but he still waved his hand across my face about three times. I got a really good look at his face but I didn't recognize him. He slowly turned around and started walking away toward my bedroom wall and disappeared. I quickly got up and raced into my mom and dad's bed. The next morning I told my mother what I saw and of course, she said it was just a dream. The odd thing about the whole experience with that ghostly figure is that I can now say that I know who he was. The ghost I saw that night was me or someone who now looks like me. As I age, I'm starting to resemble the ghostly man who came out of my walk in closet that frightful night. How can I explain it? The truth is, I can't. Maybe in the future I'll be a time traveler? I really don't have answer for what happened that night.




Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...

Saturday, February 14, 2015

I've been diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia for nearly two decades.

I just want to put it out there, as far as my condition is concerned. Nearly two decades ago, I was officially put on Social Security Disability. As a kid, it wasn't the life that I had hoped to live but it's my life now and I have to accept it. I remember one of my first psychologist that I saw said the following, 'If you go down this road, you're soul is going to die little by little." I can't say that I understood what he meant but as the years have passed bye, I realize he just wanted me to be strong and not give up. I wish I was stronger.





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











Matthew Mcconaughey doesn't drive a tweny year-old clunker.







I'm so jealous of Matthew Mcconaughey and it's not because he's a handsome, Oscar winning actor, or proficient on the bongos. Every time I see one of his Lincoln automobile commercials on television, I wish it was me driving such a nice piece of machinery. Mr. Mcconaughey makes driving look like a dream come true. When he drives through the desert and leans back into his fine upolsterd seat, I close my eyes and imagine how that might feel if it were me. I always wanted to drive faraway and see The United States for myself. I'd See The Grand Canyon, The Statue of Liberty, and a bunch of other landmarks that are strun across this great land. However, I have to be realisitc and come to terms that dream will probably never come true. Firstly, I'm on Social Security Disability and on a very fixed income. I probably couldn't even afford to register and insure a Lincoln, much less own one. I drive a beat up Ford Escort that's on its last legs. I try to keep it well maintained but that's difficult to do because I don't have much money. I dream that I'll own a used car that I could afford. Then maybe you'll see me driving across The United States living out my fantasy.





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...


Friday, February 13, 2015

Seroquel / Quetiapine: Side effects.



I've been taking Seroquel going on four years and I can say that it definitely helps me sleep through the night without many disturbances. I can remember the first time I took Seroquel and how I knew that this drug was no joke. I felt numbing in my fingers within a half hour of taking this drug. It was a very odd feeling. It almost felt as though my fingers were moving in slow motion as I articulated them in front of my face. The feeling of being numbed slowly overtook my entire body, so I laid in bed and fell asleep within minutes. I woke up the next morning to an embarrassing surprise. I had wet myself because the sleep was so deep, that I didn't wake up to use the bathroom. I guess my body wasn't ready for the dosage I was given. I'm currently taking a healthy amount each night before I go to bed. It is a true wonder drug because prior to taking this medication, I was in the position of having to hear audible hallucinations off and on through any given night. Since this drug lets me sleep, I'm able to avoid hurtful and accusatory voices that I once had to endure before being prescribed Seroquel. Sure, it has some side effects. It leaves my mouth dry as can be and there are times I can sleep well into the next morning. Too much sleep isn't the worse I suppose. I can't say that it's cured me. I still hear audible voices and the occasional grey apparition that scare the hell out of me but now it isn't as bad.



Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...









A little about me.

My name is Eric and I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia. I was diagnosed some twenty years ago and for the most part I have my illness under control. I'm now taking Prozac, Seroquel, and Attivan on a daily basis. My symptoms include auditory voices and the occasional hallucination. Most of the voices I hear aren't directed toward me. The voices that are directed toward me are often angry in tone. They tell me things like "I'm better off dead" and can be very upsetting. I can't say that I'm use to the voices but they don't bother me as much. As far as the hallucinations are concerned, they are usually of bugs and spiders. I do occasionally see people but that isn't as common as it once was when I was younger. People don't understand that if I do see bugs or spiders, it is possible that they can bite, even though they aren't real. I really don't understand how that is possible but it is true.

Right now, my life is in turmoil. I just broke up with my girlfriend and she's taken my son away from me. My ex girlfriend is a lot younger than me and that's probably by design because I tend to believe younger women aren't as jaded as older ones. However, younger women have their vices. My ex decided to cheat on me and when I found out she said, "Your too old and if we had children, they will be sick like you." When I heard her say those words, I died a little inside. We were together for over four years and now she's gone, along with my son. I should say that I'm not the biological father of my son. You see, I had been dating my ex for about a month and she discovered she was pregnant but by her former boyfriend. He wasn't even a boyfriend to my ex... He was just a guy who slept with her and then dumped her and joined the army. I thought I did the noble thing and stayed with my ex and raise the baby as if I was the father. I can't explain how much I love my son and how I embraced fatherhood. My ex was even jealous of how close my son was to me and not to her. Now they are both gone and I'm dying inside. I get to see my son one day a week but that's not enough. My heart is breaking and there's nothing I can do. What makes matters worse is I'm financially in a bad place. The apartment we shared is too expensive for me but I don't have money saved to move somewhere else. I have no place to go. The immediate problem I have is my car, that's nearly twenty years old, is slowing breaking down for good. If I don't have a car, I won't be able to see my son. I think that's a big reason I decided to write on this blog. I need help and figure maybe someone out there has a big heart and could help me out financially.




Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...