Monday, March 9, 2015

God help me.





Lately I've been sitting on my couch watching the day go bye and accomplishing nothing. I sit there and try to formulate a plan of action but I never get anything done. I don't think about anything that will hurt me because I know that will deepen my depression. Instead, I think about washing the dishes and throwing out the trash. I don't necessarily get both those things done but it does help me focus on things that won't bring me to tears. I miss my son and I'm only allowed to see him Friday night to Saturday night. We spend the entire time basically playing with his action figures and Hot Wheel cars. Recently, I was able to save up money and buy him The Imagintex Batman Cave. It's a huge hideout that includes Batman and Robin. We play for hours at a time and even though I'm older and not a child anymore, I never get bored. I live for my son's smile. Sometimes I'll sit and watch him play with his toys and have a stupid smile on my face. When he gets a little bored, he climbs up on the couch and leans against me, so we can watch television together. He loves me so much and for years I was his primary caregiver but now I'm fortunate to see him once a week. I think about what that means, not to see him as often as I'd like. I'm afraid he'll eventually forget about me and we will grow apart because I'm not there for him like I once was. I can tell that his mom is quite happy about the current situation because she gets to monopolize his time. She always hated the fact that my son was closer to me and now she gets her wish. I can't do anything about it because even though I brought him home from the hospital, after he was born, he's not biological son. I played the roll of his daddy for nearly three and a half years but now I'm losing him. My car's brakes and power steering went out and I don't have the money to fix it right away. Not having a car means I can't go pick him up for our normal time together and I'm dying inside. I'm trying to scrape up enough money for the brakes and I can get that done hopefully this week. I miss my son so much! I'm lost without him and I don't know what to do?





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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Monday, March 2, 2015

Living out a nightmare.



I sometimes think I'm living out a nightmare. I also think some people don't remember the truth in order to be able to go on with their lives. I can't have a vivid memory of some event that took place and be subject of doubt because of my illness. Schizophrenia doesn't make you a liar but from my experience, it gives a lot of people the licence to be uncertain about whatever comes from your mouth. I've been put in the position where I've seen people who I love give me questioning looks because they automatically believe mental illness makes you a fibber. There's really no winning because if you go out of your way to press the issue and urge people to believe you, it comes across as desperate. It makes people who are inclined to manipulate and hurt you emotionally, as well as physically, the green light to victimize you. I've had my life toiled with and marginalized because Paranoid Schizophrenia is an illness with a bad connotation. So, through spider web and auditory hallucinations, I traverse this unpleasant dream.


Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...





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