Wednesday, April 29, 2015

I guess college isn't for everyone.






For the last couple of months I've been attempting to enroll at my local community college. I know that doesn't sound like a big achievement but for me, it definitely is a big deal. You see, I'm not someone that ventures outside, much less surround myself with a lot of people I don't know very well. Every step I made to put myself in a position to start classes this Summer has been a challenge. I had to take a number of assessment test and meet with a guidance counselor. The paperwork that it took to enroll was very confusing because it's difficult for me to concentrate with my illness. There are times when I feel like my Paranoid Schizophrenia is kept in check by the prescribed medication I take. However, those periods come and go. Sometimes I'm at a lost, as to what I'm suppose to do in order to get things done properly. Today I found out that my attempt to return to school has pretty much ended. You see, seven years ago when I was attending another college, I took out a couple of loans in order to pay for school. Those loans were or given when I was deemed permanently disabled, so I didn't have to pay them back. I was happy that they forgave those loans because that money went directly to the school I was attending and I didn't even finish that many classes. Unfortunately those loans would be reinstated if I took out another loan to attend college again. My financial situation isn't very good because I collect disability and if those former loans were reinstated, my income would be reduced. As it is, I struggle every month to survive with my limited income. I don't have any family whatsoever, except for a niece who lives hundreds of miles away. So, it doesn't look like I'll be attending college anytime soon and to be honest, I don't know if I would have been brave enough to go. I rarely go anywhere and the thought of being surrounded by a lot of people is unnerving. Still, I feel really bad right now because I wanted to make my son proud.  I don't want my son growing up thinking I'm just some mental case that could never be there for him. All the preparation I took seems to be for nothing.



Click here to checkout my YouTube channel...









Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...





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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Suicide cliche's don't fly with me.




A few days ago I woke up to find that Sawyer Sweeten, a young man who starred on Everybody Loves Raymond, committed suicide by shooting himself with a shotgun, while visiting family in Texas. I didn't want to believe it was true because I grew up watching that particular sitcom and I still watch it every night on Nick at Nite. Sadly, as more and more media outlets started to publish reports of his suicide, I knew it was indeed true. I was more than curious as to why this young man committed suicide. Was he suffering from depression? Was it drugs? Was it alcohol? I searched the Internet in order to find any information on his death. At the same time I read comments from people on social media sites, as well as comments from articles about his suicide. I was saddened to read a lot of unfeeling and just plain mean spirited comments from various people online. Sure, most comments were positive in nature but the negative ones bothered me a lot. I know that everyone has a right to their own opinion but I also believe that unless you are someone who has attempted suicide, thought about suicide, or suffer from major depression you have no idea what you're talking about. You'll never know how it feels to want to end the pain and just die. Then the cliche's start to fly:

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

"Suicide is a very selfish act."

"If you commit suicide, you're going to hell!"

The whole idea that someone who calls themselves a Christian, yet screams out to the world that this young man, Sawyer Sweeten, is going to hell for killing himself is definitely not how a true Christian would behave. How can you identify yourself as a Christian and pass judgement so quickly. I'm a Christian and I know that if someone is so troubled that they kill themselves, my God won't judge them too harshly, as to banish them into a lake of eternal fire, but a lot of so-called loving Christians believe this is true. The people who call suicide a selfish act aren't any better. Usually they are the kind of people who believe being sad is the same as suffering from major depression. I suffer from major depression, as well as Paranoid Schizophrenia and I have trouble putting into words truly what if feels like to live with an illness that can be so devastating. When my depression hits me, it's like being launched into a black void where nothing can bring me any happiness. I sleep up to eighteen hours a day because it's my only escape from the bleak reality that surrounds me. As I lay in bed for hours, I just want to be rescued but there isn't anyone coming to save me. The stress of being put in the position where I need to get things done only exacerbates my deepening depression. I start to feel like there's no hope. I have no friends or anybody to call, for that matter, so I have to go through it alone. I start to think, "What will become of me?" The whole scenario I've just described is just a sample of what I go through all the time and I know it will visit me again. It will rear its ugly head and bring me down to my knees. Prescription drugs can only do so much and even though I've been taking anti-depressants for what seems like ages, it doesn't prevent a major depression. I don't know if Sawyer Sweeten suffered from any type of depression but it doesn't matter. We lost someone who brought joy to millions of people in his short life and that's just too sad.




Click here to checkout my YouTube channel...







Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...









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Friday, April 24, 2015

The Paranoid Schizophrenia Test.





Of course, there's isn't a Paranoid Schizophrenia test and if someone out there says otherwise, more power to them. I remember once I was sitting in a psychiatrist office. It was my first visit to this particular psychiatrist, so I had to fill out a lot of paperwork in the waiting room before I saw him. Mixed together with the usual name, phone number, and give me your address paperwork that one has to fill out before seeing a new headshrinker was a rather lengthy questionnaire. It was one hundred questions to be exact. The first couple of questions were the basics. "Have you ever been depressed?" "Do you have suicidal thoughts?" I didn't have a problem until I came to the peculiar question of, "Have you ever been on the cover of Time magazine?" I remember getting a real chuckle from that question. Indeed, the entire questionnaire was filled with these oddball queries. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people out there who unfortunately have lost touch with reality but Paranoid Schizophrenia isn't about being crazy enough to believe that you've gone on a solo trip to Mars. Yes, you can have hallucinations and paranoid thoughts but like any mental disorder out there, everyone is different. It sadness me when people hear that I have Paranoid Schizophrenia and they think they need to hide their children from me. Or they feel that I'm going to hurt them psychically. In my entire lifetime, I've never hit anyone because "THE VOICES TOLD ME TOO" but that doesn't help me. So, do I lie and keep my illness hidden, as much as I can or do I share the effects with people openly. From my experience, it is better not to be so forthcoming because you'll only get your feelings hurt. So, who's ready for their Paranoid Schizophrenia test?




Click here to checkout my YouTube channel...










Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Not to fade away.




I sleep on my couch every night because I feel a lot safer and for some reason I feel less isolated from the world. When I use to sleep in my bedroom, I felt so alone and scared. I really can't explain my exact feelings but when I would shut my eyes and fall asleep, while sleeping in my bedroom, I felt as though I would disappear. That's right, I would vanish into nothing, if it were possible. Now that I sleep exclusively on my living room couch, I feel a lot more comfortable. However, I sense that I'm being looked at sometimes. Almost as if someone is studying my sleeping habits. If I peer above my couch and look toward the hallway where my bedroom is located, I feel as if someone is standing there watching me. Every time I look up in order to see if anyone truly is there, I see nothing but I still get a little paranoid. Sometimes I look every five to ten minutes. Maybe there isn't anyone there and I'm just getting unnerved for no reason. Believe me, like my auditory hallucinations that can sometimes mimic the sound of a crying baby, I have to question what's real and what's just my mind playing tricks on me. I think that's the struggle that I have to live with every day. I have to figure out the truth and get a solid grip on reality. My existence depends on me fighting off the lies and the confusion that Paranoid Schizophrenia throws at me. I have to take my medication, see my doctor regularly, and pray to God without ceasing, as if my prayer has already been answered. I know I'm not alone, even as if I drift off to sleep on my living room couch.










Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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Saturday, April 18, 2015

The ghost of the sad man.




At an early age I saw what only can be described as ghost. I know that Paranoid Schizophrenia rarely, if ever, manifests itself at an early age but I can say without a doubt I saw ghost. I can remember one such incident when I was about five years old and it was the dead of night. I was sleeping on the top bunk bed, while my older sister slept on the bottom. I don't know what woke me up but for some reason I opened my eyes and I immediately saw a grayish figure walking toward me. I was in absolute horror as I watched what appeared to be a middle aged man walking toward my bed. I turned my head toward the wall in fear and started to whisper my sister's name in hopes that she would wake up. As I turned back I caught a very good view of the man. He was well dressed and wore suspenders. He wore a mustache and he starred directly into my eyes. His eyes looked deeply sad, as if he was upset. When he finally reached my bed and was at eye level, he raised his hand and waved it across my face. In hopes of tricking him, I shut my eyes as he did this but I could tell he was absolutely aware that I was awake. For what seemed like forever, he looked into my eyes and then he turned around and started to walk away. In truth, his stare down was only for a few seconds but it felt like it wouldn't end. The grayish figure of the man slowly walked toward the other side of my room and vanished. I quickly ran down my bunk bed ladder and straight to my mother and father's bed. I didn't wake them or attempt to tell them what I saw. I just squeezed between them and hid my face under the covers. Surely, this was just a dream but deep down I knew it wasn't and I knew what I saw. The eerie and the most disconcerting fact about the whole incident was only made clear years later. As I grew older and thought about what took place that night, I came to a startling conclusion. The grayish ghost of a man that visited me that night was in fact, me! As I aged, I started to resemble the man. So much so that when I looked in the mirror and caught my reflection one day, I saw myself and the ghost of the man who visited me that night were practically carbon copies. What could it mean? If I visited myself as a ghost from the future, for what purpose would it serve? The only thing I felt the ghost conveyed to me that night was a great amount of sadness. Then I thought, he knew my eyes were open when he waved his hand across my face, so maybe it was not in order to see if I was awake. Maybe it was something else and I need to figure what that something else is? I thought about my visitation with the ghost that looked like me, only older for many years and part of me thinks it was a message from my future self. My future self was a sad man and I have to change that somehow. Ghost, as far as I'm concerned, are as real as anything and I've seen a few.






Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...



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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Paranoid Schizophrenia or any mental illness shouldn't be feared or demonized.


This is a video I uploaded to YouTube in order to share a little about me and my illness. Paranoid Schizophrenia can be treated, just like any mental illness. The shaming and the uneducated spread of fear about any mental illness should be stopped. We are like everyone else, and like everyone else, we have hopes and we have dreams to fulfill.

















Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...








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Monday, April 13, 2015

About my conversations with, "God."



As part as my illness, many days can go bye without venturing outside, even to get my mail. It really sneaks up on me because I don't even notice that hours have turned into days. There are many reasons why staying locked inside my apartment can't be very good for me and I'm sure many would agree. It makes me very apprehensive about stepping outside because there's a fear that engulfs me. I can't explain what exactly I'm afraid of because it isn't easy to describe. I have to psych myself out with a lot of self talk. I tell myself, "You need to do this" over and over. I have a conversation with "God" and explain that I need his help and hope that I'm not alone when I step outside my apartment. My conversation with "God" is always one-sided, of course, but I can venture a guess at what a "Supreme Beings" reply might be to my numerous questions. I know you might be thinking to yourself, "Does he really think that God is having a conversation with him?" Well, I have a lot of faith and even though it isn't popular to believe in "God" these days and despite my long fight with my illness, I believe in, "The God of Abraham." That being said, the moment I step outside after being locked up for days, I can almost feel the atmosphere hit my face and run up and down my hands and arms. It's almost like I'm on an alien planet and I'm not used to Earth's gravity or the heat emitting from the giant Sun that lights up my surroundings. Then I hear people talking and yelling in the distance. When my ears hear the voices from the people outside, I start to get this overwhelming feeling that I'm missing out on living the life I've always wanted. Being able to interact with people I don't know very well is next to impossible. I can't make eye contact and I increase the pace of my stride, yet I still envy what it would be like to be surrounded with people that enjoyed my company, as much as I enjoyed theirs. I make a beeline for my beat up car and hope it starts. I slowly drive away and into city traffic. My destination isn't certain all the time but I'm proud that I've made it this far.






Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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Thursday, April 9, 2015

How I came to live in Sacramento, California.




I was born and raised in Southern California but for the last four years I've lived in Sacramento, California. I'm not here by accident and every time I relive the story behind my journey up North, I wonder if I could have imagined what my life would be like in such a short period of time. The story all began when I met a girl online and began chatting with her for a period of several months. We would talk on the phone all every night and text each other all the time. Finally, we decided she should come visit me and see if what we had on the phone and online would translate to a meaningful relationship in real life. She boarded a bus and made the long eight hour journey to Southern California. I picked her up at a bus terminal and the minute I saw her in person, I felt an instant attraction. She stayed for about a half a week and we spent the time getting to know each other and enjoying the sites that only Southern California has to offer. Yes, we were intimate and it probably wasn't for the best but I really thought we had the makings of a lasting relationship. A few weeks later I got a call from her and she said that she had something important to tell me. She explained that she was pregnant and I was going to be a daddy. To be honest, I didn't think I was the one that got her pregnant but the idea of having a child made me feel all warm inside. Only a week later after visiting a doctor, she called me in tears and explained that she was three months pregnant and there was no way I could be the biological father. I was crushed but I didn't want to abandon her, so I told her that I would move to Sacramento to be with her and we would raise the child as our own. The biological father was from a one night stand she had and she explained that he had joined The United States Army and was completely out of the picture. I didn't really think how or if the biological father would find out, or if we should ever tell him. I didn't think a child should be robbed of knowing who their true father was, so we informed him a few months after the birth that he was now a father. Still, in my eyes, I was going to be a father to a little boy. A small child that was born exactly two months premature but in relatively good health. He spent an entire month in the hospital and my now serious girlfriend, along with myself visited him everyday. I held my little boy in my arms while he struggled to breathe and I loved him unconditionally. I gave our little boy a name and we took him to our new home that we would now share. Our relationship had its ups and downs but we managed to get along for the sake of our child. Although my girlfriend was younger than me and it seemed after a few years together that she still wanted to sow her oats. I caught her a few times talking to guys online and on her phone but forgave her because I loved her and I wanted our relationship to work. However, she continued to talk to other guys and I caught her several times. I was hurt but I understood that if our relationship fell apart, there were no guarantees that I would be able to have a relationship with my son. During the four years we were together we let the biological father see his child about once a year. He seemed happy with being free from the responsibility of raising a child with a girl he had no real feeling for whatsoever. Unfortunately, after numerous times catching my girlfriend talking to other guys and her promising to stop, she said that she didn't want to her me anymore and left me, with our son in tow. I was and still am devastated because I was the primary caregiver for our son. I'm on disability and my girlfriend was attending college full time, so he was very attached to me. I think his love for him was something that made her jealous and hurt. She didn't understand why our son loved me so much and would rather be with me. Only now, I'm not with my son anymore and I'm alone in a city I'm still not all too familiar with to say the least. Everyday that passes and I'm unable to be with my son breaks my heart. I'm now allowed to see him about once a week but that hardly seems fair but I really have no recourse. I have no rights to my little boy and its a hurt that I can't even describe in words. Every time I have to return my son to his mother, he cries and begs to stay with me. He says, "I love you da" "I love you da" over and over. He thinks I don't love him anymore. This takes place on a regular basis now and I break down in tears every time. I tell my son, "I love you" "I love you so very much" but he still begs me to not go home without him. Making things worse is the fact that I currently drive a car that isn't in the best condition. I scrimp and save to keep the pile of junk on the road because if I can't, I won't be able to spend time with my son anymore. This is the reason and the bottom of every blog entry I put a message for financial help in purchasing a more reliable used car. Of course, I can't put all my hopes into thinking that someone out there is going to help me and I do feel terrible asking for help but I love my son and I don't know what else to do. So, that's the brief synopsis of my journey to Sacramento and why I can't leave because my son means the world to me.







Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...







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Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Somewhere beyond the peephole.





It's hard to explain what scares me and the fears that I might have when it comes to venturing outside my apartment. First, I have to make sure that I'm wearing my sun glasses. I wear them because I don't like making eye contact with anyone I don't know. Another reason I put them on is I'm afraid if someone looked into my eyes, they'd figure out something was wrong with me. Honestly, I'm not certain how I come across to stranger, or even the checker at my local grocery store for that matter. Do they know I suffer from some sort of mental illness? Are they able to see right through my facade of feigning some kind of normalcy? I can't be sure what they think but I try my best to manage a smile when dealing with people I have to come across in my daily life. I once lived in an apartment where the landlady was on to me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was moving out and I dropped by the leasing office to say goodbye to the older woman that rented out my apartment. For some reason I felt this sudden rush of confidence and said, "I don't know if you were aware but I suffer from mental illness." She looked at me and said with a smile, "Eric, I know." I think there are just some people who have this built in empathy and can read people very easily. I find that it's very easy for me to spot someone who may be struggling with mental illness because I'm sensitive to the way they carry themselves. I'm able to see a little of me, as I look at the faces of people struggling with similar challenges as I am. Some days are easier than others and I try to challenge myself to get outside and not stay indoors the majority of my waking hours. Still, a lot of times I feel like everyone I see or that walks near by me has their eyes on me. I try to shake the feeling but that's part of my paranoia and I have to fight the urge to flee. Everyday is a struggle I try my best because I want a life worth living. A life that includes friends and some sort of purpose. I have to go beyond looking through my peephole and live a better life.












Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...













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Sunday, April 5, 2015

The shaming of the mentally ill is just as pervasive as so-called, "Fat Shaming."



There's all kinds of shaming going on this world and one of the most prominent today is "Fat Shaming" but there are also others and one that I live with everyday but you probably never hear about it as much, it's "The Shaming of people who suffer from various mental health problems." You hear about "fat shaming" going on all the time and this week was no exception.Chris Wallace from Fox News suggested that Kelly Clarkson stay away from deep dish pizza and days later had to apologize publicly. Let us not forget the "Fat Shaming" from the so called, "Hot Mom From Facebook" Maria Kang who fat shamed all mothers with her,"What's your Excuse" mantra. She posted a picture of her wearing just a sports bra and tight brief shorts surrounded by her three sons and challenged all the so-called fat mothers out there to drop their excuses and get into shape. I think the shaming of anyone is borderline hatred toward the person or group you call out with your offensive remarks. I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia and there isn't a day that goes by that I forget what my limitations are and the constant reminder from the general public that I should be somehow feared or avoided at all cost. I sit alone in my one bedroom apartment all day wishing I had a better hand in life dealt to me but I only have to look around and embrace the loneliness that surrounds me. I take my prescribed medication everyday in hopes that it will somehow change my circumstance in life but I don't see rainbows and unicorns in my horizon. I struggle to survive on my limited disability money and there are many times when I have to decide whether to eat or get my prescription filled. I can't explain in very good detail what Paranoid Schizophrenia is, as an illness or if my symptoms are the same as anyone else suffering from this debilitating disease. I do suffer from auditory hallucinations, as well as, the few and far between visual hallucination. I can say in general, my mind tends to work against me. I can be easily stressed and engulfed with an overload of worry, in an instant but through the years I have learned to compensate. I use what I can only describe as, "learned behavior" to get passed the obstacles of the day. They are like, "Coping Mechanisms" for me. If I hear music coming from everywhere and nowhere, I don't question it and I tell my self that everyone is blessed like me to hear the disembodied radio. If I'm laying in bed at night and I hear people arguing about me and spewing vulgarity at in my direction, I tell myself that I've mistakenly left the television in the living room on. Of course, deep down I know the truth of my illness and it can change in an instant. Sometimes my depression and the feeling of isolation hurts so deeply that I wish there was someway I could change my life. Shaming the mentally ill isn't the answer. I know there are a lot of good people out there who would look pass my illness and see the kind hearted and soft spoken guy that I am but what are the chances I meet any of them in my lifetime. So, I write this with a tinge of sadness because I know that I'll just be shoved into the back of the closet, so to speak, and be forgotten once again.




Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...



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Friday, April 3, 2015

"Don't let him down."





I've been up for nearly 48 hours and my mind continues to run and run, as if it was a hamster on one of those wheels that goes round and round. Like the poor hamster, my thoughts seem to go nowhere. I haven't taken my Seroquel for the past two days because I was lucky to have my son come visit me. If I had taken my medication, I would have gotten my much needed sleep, but that would mean that I wouldn't be really here for my son. My son is three years old and he loves to play with his Hot Wheels and Imagnitex Super Heroes. He always says, "Lets play guys!" It's his way of letting me know that he expects me to play toys with him and of course, I can't bring myself to say, "No." I wish it was easier but it never is, and I struggle to be the best dad I can be for my little boy. He deserves nothing less than a father who is going to always try his best. I don't want to have a mountain of regret when I get older, so I'm here for him. I usually get to have him over at least two days a week and it's always the highlight of my mostly isolated time in my apartment. He's just fallen asleep and I look at him and I tell myself, "Don't let him down."










Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...








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10 Jill Dillard

I never knew my father and that's probably for the best.







I can't sleep and it's surprising since I'm currently taking 1200mg of Seroquel. In the past, taking less than I am currently put me to sleep on a regular basis. Still, I'm glad it works most of the time because night time is the worse for me. I can hear the sounds of muffled voices and they are angry. I'm use to hearing voices at night but for the most part they aren't directed toward me. Still, the hate and anger behind the voices scares me at times. I hear the voices coming from everywhere and nowhere. When I was younger, the first time I had an auditory hallucination, I heard music coming from the inner wall beside my bed. The music was mostly instrumental and sounded as if there was a party taking place. At a young age I heard music coming from inanimate objects. At first I thought maybe everyone heard the music and just didn't mention it to anyone. Of course, that view quickly changed when I informed my mother that I was hearing things at night. My mother told me that my biological father was sick. I asked her to explain, sick? She just muttered, "He did a lot of strange things." My father left my mom when I was an infant and I never had a relationship with him. My extended family never talked about my father but when they did, it was sketchy to say the least. When I was twenty, I searched and met my father. He had just been released from prison. I asked him why he was in jail and he said, "I started a fire." Turned out the fire he set was a suicide attempt. He drove his pick up into the mountains and set the truck on fire, with him inside. A passer bye saw and the police and fireman were called, so he was rescued without injury. He was jailed because they believed he was an arsonist. My father and I spent six straight hours talking and it was eerie. I felt as if I was a lot like him but he couldn't see his mental defect. He believed everyone was out to get him. The last thing my father told me was, "You got a few bucks you can lend me?" Years have passed and I doubt I'll search him out again. The Seroquel is going to make me sleep the rest of the day and that sucks because I consider it a day wasted already.




Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...



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10 Russell Crowe




Thursday, April 2, 2015

Hi, my name is Eric and I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia



This is a video I made and uploaded to YouTube. I just wanted to put myself out there and let everyone know that just because one suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia or any other mental illness for that matter, we are just like everyone else. We have feelings and we have big dreams, just like anyone else does.






Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Soup and sandwiches with a side order of Seroquel.




I didn't sleep very much last night and it was partly because I didn't take my full dosage of Seroquel. I wanted to wake up early and accomplish something I have been putting off for days. It may seem like such an easy task but I gathered my aluminum cans and spare change, in order to obtain some spending money at the grocery store. Lately I've been short on cash because I spend the majority of my monthly disability check on my son. I see a t-shirt or a pair of tennis shoes and buy them without thinking of the consequences. I have this desire to make my three old son the center of my universe. As of now, I get to see him two days a week and when he's with me I'm on cloud nine. I tell him how much I love him constantly because when I was a child, I didn't feel loved. I shouldn't be complaining because I know there are people worse off than myself. My meals of late have been soups and sandwiches but that's not the case when my son is here with me. I buy his favorite; pizza. He makes this sound, "Mmm Mmm" that's so cute. The struggle to do the day to day errands or chores that I must get done by myself weighs heavily on me. It isn't as simple as getting dressed and walking out my front door. It's a process of building myself up with positive inner talk. Finding reason and purpose is a battle, especially when you lack a good nights sleep.



Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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10 Purvi Patel




I'm not a creep.




So, I've been thinking a lot about my life lately and what will become of me. I know that might sounds strange but it's the truth. I worry so much that it puts me in this semi-catatonic state; with the help of my medication of course. My Seroquel dosage was recently increased, so I take the pills and drift off to sleep and in some cases I can remain asleep for long periods at a time. If I'm not asleep, I sit and stare at nothing in particular until I doze off. I use to have this habit of looking outside my bedroom window, in order to watch what was going on at the hospital that's adjacent to my apartment, but I think that activity can come across as creepy and I don't need that label. I don't like the term "Creepy" and I've been called that in the past. It hurts when people assume the worse because of my illness. Most people have the wrong idea about Paranoid Schizophrenia. I've heard some describe it as having multiple personalities. Still, other times people believe if you have my illness you're going to hurt someone. That's so not the truth and I wish people were more educated when it comes to the differing mental illnesses out there. My condition has been weighing me down lately and I'm having trouble getting up and tackling life as I should. I don't have anyone in my life that I can call for help. It's a scary proposition living alone and wondering if I'm going to be able to pay my bills or will I get sicker. I'm lost in thought.





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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10 Windows 8.1