Sunday, May 10, 2015

Not so happy Mother's Day for me.

(Please excuse the half hazard writing but I had to get this off my chest. It is extremely personal but very important for me to share. I hope no one ever has to go through what I have had to live with for the last few years. I don't care if this gets printed inside every magazine in the word, or even if it goes viral. I want anyone who has been a victim of sexual abuse or assault to know that they are not alone.)

It's that time of year. Yes, at time of year when people all over The United States celebrate mothers everywhere. Only it isn't much of a day of celebration to me and although my reasons are personal, I'd like to share my story. I've hat could change how I felt about her. She was a single mother raising four children on Welfare but we never went without the necessities like food, clothing, and shelter. Sure, we weren't monetarily in a good position but we never felt deprived. My mother married young and by the time I was five, she was married twice and both relationships had ended badly. After that she had a succession of boyfriends that occasionally lived with us but they were out of work losers who spent my mother's money, even though she had very little. One in particular use to swear at me and call me an, "Asshole" because he knew I didn't like him. He also beat me once in front of my mom when I was around thirteen. Grabbed me by the hair and dragged me into my room while he continually kicked me. I couldn't believe my mother would let someone do that to me but that was nothing compared to her third husband. He was a drunk and also used cocaine for recreational purposes, so you know he was a winner. I left my childhood home at an early age because I knew they didn't want me there. It was enough that he had to help support my two younger siblings, so I moved into an apartment by myself. Years later, I moved back in with my mother and my step dad because my illness had got the best of me and I needed to be around people that would help me. I appreciated that they let me live with them but I also paid hundreds of dollars to live there. The truth was that they needed my Social Security Disability money to help pay their bills, so it worked out for them. I was glad not to be alone because when you suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia it is very difficult to live alone, like I do now. At first living with them wasn't too bad. I stayed in my bedroom most of the time and hardly ventured out. What would happen next could only be described as a nightmare. You see, my step dad started knocking on my bedroom door at night. He would have cookies or candy in his hand and ask me if I would like any? I didn't think anything of it but when I would except his kindness, he would say, "Sweets for the sweet" and leer at me with a perverse smile. I started to feel uncomfortable living with my mom and step dad but they took the majority of my money, so I couldn't really save any to move out. Plus, the thought of living alone scared me and my step dad knew it. Once, when going to the market my step dad started to tell me how he liked his dick sucked. I was horrified by the conversation and the first chance I got, I ran and told my mom that he was making me uncomfortable. Her reaction was peculiar, as if she knew he was capable of doing this to me. She told me that she would talk to him and to go to her if if happened again. Well, it did happen again but it was much worse. My mom was invited by family members to go to Las Vegas, Nevada for the weekend. She would be gone and I would have to stay the entire weekend with my step dad; alone. Months had passed since he had me uncomfortable, so I wasn't worried. It didn't take much time for things to go wrong. He spent the weekend drinking and knocked on my bedroom door and asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him. Being a film lover, I jumped at the chance to watch a film with someone. I picked an old black and white film and we sat and started to watch. He then told me if I wanted to have a beer and even though I shouldn't drink, I obliged. He didn't seem interested in the film I chose and asked if I had any porno movies. I told him, "No" and he asked if I could drive him to the store to buy some more beer. I didn't want to but he let me drive his truck. It was a brand new truck and he never let anyone drive it but himself, so I jumped at the chance. When we got to the market, he went in and bought more beer, plus dirty magazines and porno dvds. This is something he would never do if my mother was at home and I started to
get nervous. If he drank a lot, who knew how he would act? Well, it didn't take long for me to find out how he would act. You see, I went into my room as he was drinking and he would yell through the house and tell me to check out the dvd he was looking at. Of course, it was a porn dvd and I wasn't interested. He knocked on my door and begged me to watch it with him and I said, "No!" I knew I should stay in my room and I did but I took my medication that was prescribed to me by my doctor and fell asleep. The medication was a drug that would knock me out and help me sleep. It was prescribed to me because of the fact that my illness keeps me from having a good night sleep and it works very well. Then I woke up in the darkness of my room to find that my pants were down and my step dad telling me that it was my turn to suck his dick! I was in shock and horrified! I wanted to kill him and at the same time I knew that if I did hit him, I would end up in jail. I got up and I yelled at him to get out of my room! I didn't know what to do and I was beyond mad and upset. The next day my step dad started walking around in his underwear and flashing his dick at me. He begged me to suck his dick and proclaimed that he would give me a lot of money if I did. I stayed in my room and cried, as I waited for my mom to return home. Then my step dad slipped a picture from one of the dirty magazines he bought of a girl sucking a guys dick. He had circled the picture and wrote in a black marker that he wanted his dick sucked the same way. I just ignored him and I stayed in my room until my mother came home from her vacation. When my mother did return, she was so happy and explained to me that she had so much fun. I couldn't bring myself to tell her what my step dad did, so I kept quiet. The morning before she came home my step dad had sobered up and knocked on my bedroom door. When I opened the door he was on his knees crying and begging me not to say anything. He explained that he was sorry as he continued to cry. He was also smart enough to ask for the picture he slid under the doorway, so he could throw it away and I made the mistake in giving it to him. Months passed and I kept quiet but I felt horrible. I would get in my car and drive around the city crying my eyes out. On one of those drives, I accidentally rear ended a truck. I had to call my mom to have my car towed. When my car finally arrived, it was somewhat drivable but in bad shape. The sad fact is and a continual reminder to what happened to me is I still drive that piece of crap. Yes, that's right, the car I drive is the car that I nearly totaled while driving and crying at the same time. As I sat in my bedroom, my step dad knocked on my bedroom door and said with a perverse leer, "Looks like your stuck with that car." I was so pissed and angry the way he said it to me, so I went straight to my mom and told her everything. I explained to her what my step dad did to me and why I didn't say anything for months. A big reason I said nothing to her is I didn't want her to be hurt. After I told her what my step dad did to me, she went straight to where he was and I suppose he confessed but I wasn't there to see. She came to me and explained that she told him that he couldn't drink anymore and if he did, she would tell his son from a prior marriage what he did. My step was a hero to his other son, so he quit drinking from that day on. My mother also said that he was nothing to her anymore and they were just going to be roommates. She explained to me that she was molested by someone when she was young but at the time I didn't know who the pervert was. I later came to find out that it was my grandfather that she claimed molested her. I loved my grandfather and didn't want to believe it. In the next few months my mother was so kind to me and said very little to my step dad but that was about to change. After putting on an act and pretending she didn't love my step dad anymore, she had a change of heart and told me that whatever happened to me was between my step dad and me. In other words, she didn't believe me or could care less. The months of being close to me changed quickly and she started to treat me as if I was a liar from the start. I didn't know what to do, so I told my younger sister and she explained to me that she was molested by my step dad early in my mother's relationship with my step dad. She said that my mom told her that they can go to police and have nowhere to live or she could keep her mouth shut. My younger sister was just a child at the time and what kind of mom would let that happen to her daughter? To basically sweep it under the rug and tell my sister to never say anything about it. I was so angry that I wrote a letter explaining that I would go to the police, if my step dad and my mother didn't return a lot of the money I paid to live there, so I could move out. This angered my mother and she confided with my younger brother that I was trying to blackmail them in order to get there money. My younger brother was just out of the army and he loved my mom, so he also believed I was making up what my step dad did to me. I came to find out that she also convinced my older sister that I was lying in order to get there money and that I've stole from my step dad in the past. Here I was, with my family turning on me and there was nothing I could do. I got so mad that I went into bathroom and broke a mirror. I walked out and was confronted by my brother. He said if I want to hit someone, hit him. I looked at him as if he was crazy. If I wanted to hit someone, I would have done it a long time ago. As I walked back into my bedroom by brother said, "I knew you would back down." This angered me and I got in his face and told him to hit me then. He backed down and said he was going to put a stop to this and call the police. Well, the police arrived and asked me to come outside. I was lead to their car and then told to put my hands against the vehicle, so they could pat me down. I was humiliated because the neighbors were looking at me and standing in their front yards. Was the world insane? Why was this happening to me? I told the policeman that I was anger because my step dad sexually assaulted me. He told me since it happened months ago, there was little they could do. I went back into the house and sat in the kitchen eye balling both my step dad and mom. They watched television as I sat and stared at them. I didn't say anything until my mom walked up to me and had the nerve to say, "If you are going to act like this, you can't live here." There it was; total betrayal by my entire family. They all got together, minus my younger sister and said in so many words that if I went to police, they would call me a liar because of my Paranoid Schizophrenia. My step dad then opened his mouth and said, "I don't remember anything like what you said happening. This couldn't be true because the morning when he sobered up he was begging and crying. Telling me to say nothing to my mother. He was even smart enough to ask for the porno picture back, so he could throw it in the trash. I was so upset because I couldn't believe my own family would do something like this to me. They started spreading lies about me to other family members soon after. Telling them that I stole money and I didn't take baths. Ridiculous lies in order to discredit me. I told them I wouldn't pay them anymore money, so I didn't and moved out months later. I stayed with my grandmother for a while but I wanted to move far away and forget them. Eventually I found someone to talk to online and that's how I came to live in Sacramento, CA. I can honestly say that I thought coming here to live was the best thing that could ever happen to me but that hasn't worked out either. Now I'm alone again and I'm in a city where I don't know anyone. I'm cut off from my family and I have no friends. I can't believe this has happened to me but it has and I have to live with it every day. So, when people celebrate Mother's Day and talk about how much they love their mothers, I sit here and think why? What did I do to deserve this? Will anyone help me? As always, it falls on deaf ears.

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My dying car...

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