Monday, May 4, 2015

Sunday at the park with my son.

Yesterday, I spent the greater part of the day with my son at a local park. I hadn't been outside in awhile, so I was looking forward to getting out and spending time with my son. He's a handful at times but it keeps me from wasting my day concentrating on my own problems. I pushed him on a swing set for what felt like hours. He just sits there with the most content smile on his face, as he swings back in the forth with the wind in his face. I attempt to sing songs to him, as I push him on the swing. He laughs and tells me to stop because he wants me to enjoy the silence with him. Afterwards, I chase him around the park and he runs away from me with a contagious laugh. I look forward to spending time with my son and I know he misses me. Ever since I broke up with his mother, I spend most weekends with him at my apartment. His mother and I most likely won't reconcile and I feel bad because I don't want to feel like a part time daddy for my son. It is also my fear that if my ex-girlfriend finds another guy, he'll replace me. I suppose most guys who have children from a broken relationship feel as though they are going to replaced or forgotten and I'm no exception. It doesn't help that my son and his mother have a back story that needs to be understood. As we drove back to my apartment, my son and I stopped by to get a pizza to take home. After we ate, he and I sat on the couch and watched cartoons until I had to take him back to his mom's house. He use to cry when I told him that I had to take him home. He'd cry and say, "Don't you love me?" It would bring me to tears as he cried on the car ride back to his mother's house. Now I've been able to convince him not to cry. I don't like lying to my son but I tell him that I have to go to work to make money, in order to buy him more toys. He now accepts that there's a good reason that he doesn't stay with me anymore. Of course, I don't work because I'm disabled but I couldn't stand to see him get so upset anymore. I suppose that's why I've been so depressed of late. I really wanted to return to college and get an education. I want to make my son proud of me. I want the lie to become the truth but I don't know if I have it in me or if it will be possible. A day at the park, at least cleared my head and made me forget my problems for awhile.

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My dying car...

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