Monday, June 22, 2015

Paranoid Schizophrenic blackouts = Missing time.

The other night I was feeling really depressed and extremely worried. The stress that I live with everyday seems to be catching up to me and I'm pretty sure I blacked out last night. I couldn't sleep and I've been worrying so much about where I'm going to live and if my car is going to breakdown soon, so I normally just toss and turn while I lay down on my living room couch at night. At some point I just sat up and started watching television but my mind couldn't relax, so I got dressed up in my sweat pants and walked outside my apartment. The fact that it was around 3AM didn't concern me or really register with me in anyway. I walked across the parking lot and decided to get my mail. I remember I received a few letters and some junk mail but nothing important. I then walked toward the front of my apartment complex and just stood on the sidewalk while looked up and down the street I live on. An occasional car passed but other than that, I was alone. I remember thinking that maybe I should walk to the hospital that's a few blocks from where I live. I wasn't sure what I'd do when I got there but my plan was to walk to the hospital and maybe sit in the waiting area. I thought if I did this I wouldn't feel so alone. Unfortunately, the next thing I remember was waking up on my couch because there was a knock on my door. I glanced at the clock in the living room and noticed it was already 4PM. When I opened my front door there was a man with a handful of mail explaining to me that he found the letters on the floor on the parking lot. I thanked him for his kindness and he stood and stared at me for a moment. He then said with a concerned look, "You okay?" I looked him in the eyes and for a brief moment I wanted to tell him how worried and stressed out I was but instead I said, "I'm good and thank you." The man smiled and walked away. I don't remember everything that happened last night but evidently the stress is causing me to blackout. Blacking out is nothing new to me and there have been times in the past where my Paranoid Schizophrenia has caused me to blackout for months at a time. I'm just hoping that this was just the end and not the beginning of something much worse.

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