Monday, August 31, 2015

I need a miracle.




Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for being a bad person. No matter how I try, especially of late, I can't seem to catch a break. I'm trying my best to lift myself out of poverty and fight my way from the confines of my mental illness but it's so hard. I want to better myself but I don't have any support, financially or emotionally. The real reason that I want to change the tide and stop this slide that I'm currently on is my son. There's a lot that I didn't have when I was a child but not having a father figure around and a mother who was emotionally unavailable were huge obstacles. What I've been through the past couple years has left me alone and without family. I'm on disability and my future looks grim but I want to attempt some kind of miracle because I think my son deserves so much more than I'm ever going to offer if my situation doesn't change. The last few months I did my best to enroll into college and take classes, in hopes that I could get government funds to help pay for school and help me purchase a used car but that fell apart recently. The last couple of days I was told that I was going to get nearly three thousand dollars for my current semester of school but the next day it was canceled. You see, years ago I attempted to better myself and went to a business college but my illness was just too much and I couldn't complete the training. However, I have loans for nearly ten thousand dollars that were outstanding. Luckily, because I became disabled with my diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia, the loans were forgiven. This saved me because of my income is so little and I couldn't afford to pay back the loans. I was told in the email that if I reinstate the old loans, I can qualify for the government funds I was promised. Sadly, I'm in no position to be able to pay back the old loans with my current disability income, so I won't get a cent for my return to college. I'm heart broken and hurt because even though it doesn't seem like a big deal. It was very difficult for me to make the effort to go to college. I had to go take assessment tests and talk to counselors. I had to fill out complicated forms and I had no help. I'm not dumb but my illness sometimes makes it difficult to understand the easiest of tasks. I struggled to enroll to my college and just when everything was going to work out, it's back to square one. I'm taking a full schedule of classes, even though I haven't worked or attended school in over a decade. The classes and textbooks have left me in debt and with little money. I don't have much money after I pay my rent and bills, so I'm already struggling to get by. Sometimes I just want to give up and just shut myself off from the world again. Not having money to buy my son decent food, clothes, or take him any place far because my car is falling apart leaves me with an empty feeling inside. I've let myself down but more than that, I've let my son down also. I don't know what to do anymore. My depression and anxiety are tearing me apart. I pray to God for guidance and try to be a good christian but I know I fall short, like everyone else. I feel so defeated. I need a miracle.








Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Empathy.




It has been a while since I've updated this ongoing journal of my life and how I deal with my Paranoid Schizophrenia. Sometimes I get the urge to write but I don't always have access to the Internet. There are also times when I feel like writing but the thoughts seem to disappear, if I don't write them down right away. To tell the truth, a million thoughts and constant self talk invade my head throughout the day. It's hard to make sense of some of the ideas that pop into my brain. This morning I was standing in line at the local recycle center in hopes of making a fortune with my aluminum cans and I couldn't help but notice a man standing directly across from me. He appeared homeless and mentally unstable. I didn't stare at him but I noticed he was having an intense conversation with himself. The people standing in line with me were making little or no eye contact with the man, yet he was talking in our direction. I remember when I was younger, I would have little empathy for a man like him. I'd probably laugh and think to myself, "That guy is a nut job." Little did I know that there would be a time in my life when people would look at me the same way. Sometimes I can come across as odd and a little bit off but I'm lucky enough to be under a doctor's care and prescribed medication. Many people out there aren't as fortunate as me. It's a funny thing to say because I don't always feel so blessed and I do wish for so much more out of my life. I have a great deal of empathy and it comes from being in the position I'm in now and seeing the world from the other side. The side where I'm the one being judged without cause and through no fault of my own.









Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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Wednesday, August 5, 2015

It all seems a little too much at times.






So, for the last few months I've been making a concerted effort to do something with my life. It hasn't been easy because I simply don't know what the right course of action I should take. I've been on Social Security Disability for quite a long time because of my diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia. I haven't worked in such a long time and I'm really not sure I'm capable of handling the day to day pressures of a full time job. Seeking employment is a crap shoot because I can't fail. If I somehow get a job and maintain my employment but then get too sick to work any longer, I'll won't have my disability income and health insurance provided by Social Security to fall back on. I know that Social Security gives you nine months of returning to work but can I really do that? I have no family or friends to fall back on and ask for help, if I fail. The last four years I've stayed at home and watched my son grow up into a little man but since my girlfriend left me, that role has seriously diminished. I miss the fact that I no longer have a girlfriend but more than that, I miss having my son around. Sure, I get to see my son 2-3 days a week but it isn't the same. I feel like a failure and an absent father. It feels almost like I let my son down but my girlfriend leaving me was something completely out of my control. However, now I've been trying to motivate myself to return to school and further my education. I've filled out so many forms and turned in so much paperwork in order to make the dream of returning to school a reality. I'm hoping that I can get financial aid because I'm in no position to pay out of pocket the expenses that come along with returning to school. I have no idea what the outcome of my financial aid for school will be and it is a little disconcerting because I am pretty much broke. My attempts to save money to purchase a better used car hasn't been going so well and that has caused me a great deal of stress. I simply don't know what the right thing to do is and I have nobody to give me their much needed advice. I want to be the man who fell so far, only to pick himself back up and make his dreams come true. Little do people understand what Paranoid Schizophrenia adds to the burden of having to rise above it all. This disease has continually sabotaged my every move but I won't let it defeat me; not just yet.








Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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Strangers in my head.





For the last few days, the only conversations I've been having are all taking place inside my head. I remember years ago, when I lived alone, the loneliness would get to me so badly that I would drink beer and sometimes whiskey to escape the solitude. However, now I try my best to stay away from alcohol because I know it isn't the answer.  Day by day I feel trapped with the voices in my head. A great deal of my inner monologue is self defeating and brings on my depression. The other part of the voices come from disembodied characters that I've heard for many years. They constantly argue and bicker but I do my best to tune them out but it doesn't always work. A great deal of the voices are angry and their tone is accusatory. They blame me for past failures and recommend that I just end my existence. I'm grateful that I'm able to take my prescribed Seroquel and almost fully avoid their nightly harassment but in truth, I can't take my medication every night because it isn't feasible. There are some days that I must get up early and be devoid of the haze that Seroquel puts over me. I can't seem to find a balance that will work for me when it comes to prescribed medication. I don't like the thought of self medicating but lets face it, it's an inconvenient truth on my part. I use to be this person who wanted to avoid being medicated at all cost because I feared losing myself and becoming nothing short of a zombie. It is only now that I realize that there really isn't a way to avoid zombie-fying myself. If I want to live with some independence, I'll have to understand that my inner voice may be my only company at times, as well as, the unrelenting strangers inside my head.






Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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Sunday, August 2, 2015

"On the left-side of my troubled plateau."





A few years back I wrote this:

                             
"On the left-side of my troubled plateau
  I see no sunny clouds.
 Wishful thinking a fine attribute but
 when you're dead, there's no rain dance
  scheduled for today." - EAS




It was a poem I wrote for the complete despair I was feeling at the time. It is very difficult to go on with your day to day life with no sense of hope. I think you have to cling on to something; anything in order to be able to face the day. My depression, along with my Paranoid Schizophrenia, keeps me from enjoying to the fullest. Not only does my illness keep me in a depressive state, it kills my dreams and hopes for a better tomorrow. People say, "You're so strong to be able to get this far in life" but that imagined strength eventually weakens me to the point where my soul dies a little. Sure, I can somehow pick myself back up and find the inner strength to go on. My son currently gives me the only drive I have because I don't want to fail him. But is that enough? Is that supposed fear of failure, when it comes to my son, going to carry me through these dark days? I can only hope and pray that somehow I'll find some measure of happiness. Although, from my vantage point it is getting more and more difficult to envision such a time and place.










Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...









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Saturday, August 1, 2015

Certain thoughts keep me up at night.





It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. My mind is overloaded with depressive thoughts and constant self talk. As my son lays down on the couch right across from me, my thoughts turn to how lonely it is without him. On average I get to see him about three days a week but that might change soon and not for the better. He's all I have at the moment. Part of me wants to wake him up and beg him to play Minecraft with me but he needs his rest and that wouldn't be fair to him. I quickly imagine how it will be without him staying overnight as much, and I get teary eyed. I can't stop crying at the thought of my son living a life without me being there. I know he has a mother but for the last four years I've been his main caregiver. He loves me so much and when I don't pick him up from his mom's house of late, he thinks I don't love him as much. I know he's a child and I have to be the grown up but it's too hard. My Paranoid Schizophrenia constantly works against me. My illness makes me constantly think of awful scenarios that involve my life without my son in it. Sometimes these scenarios seem all too real and they stay with me. They try to confuse me into believing that something bad has happened to my son. I try to remain focused but stress triggers these awful thoughts and I can't control what is uncontrollable. My son looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I hope he never forgets how much I love him and how much I wish I could spend all my days and nights with him. It seems so tragic to me that I can't be involved in his life as much as I'd like. The idea of him possibly forgetting about me and thinking that I don't love him more than anything in this world tears me up inside. These thoughts keep me up most nights and sleep is something that continually eludes me.








Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...








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