Saturday, August 1, 2015

Certain thoughts keep me up at night.

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. My mind is overloaded with depressive thoughts and constant self talk. As my son lays down on the couch right across from me, my thoughts turn to how lonely it is without him. On average I get to see him about three days a week but that might change soon and not for the better. He's all I have at the moment. Part of me wants to wake him up and beg him to play Minecraft with me but he needs his rest and that wouldn't be fair to him. I quickly imagine how it will be without him staying overnight as much, and I get teary eyed. I can't stop crying at the thought of my son living a life without me being there. I know he has a mother but for the last four years I've been his main caregiver. He loves me so much and when I don't pick him up from his mom's house of late, he thinks I don't love him as much. I know he's a child and I have to be the grown up but it's too hard. My Paranoid Schizophrenia constantly works against me. My illness makes me constantly think of awful scenarios that involve my life without my son in it. Sometimes these scenarios seem all too real and they stay with me. They try to confuse me into believing that something bad has happened to my son. I try to remain focused but stress triggers these awful thoughts and I can't control what is uncontrollable. My son looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I hope he never forgets how much I love him and how much I wish I could spend all my days and nights with him. It seems so tragic to me that I can't be involved in his life as much as I'd like. The idea of him possibly forgetting about me and thinking that I don't love him more than anything in this world tears me up inside. These thoughts keep me up most nights and sleep is something that continually eludes me.

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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful.  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...

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