Monday, August 31, 2015

I need a miracle.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for being a bad person. No matter how I try, especially of late, I can't seem to catch a break. I'm trying my best to lift myself out of poverty and fight my way from the confines of my mental illness but it's so hard. I want to better myself but I don't have any support, financially or emotionally. The real reason that I want to change the tide and stop this slide that I'm currently on is my son. There's a lot that I didn't have when I was a child but not having a father figure around and a mother who was emotionally unavailable were huge obstacles. What I've been through the past couple years has left me alone and without family. I'm on disability and my future looks grim but I want to attempt some kind of miracle because I think my son deserves so much more than I'm ever going to offer if my situation doesn't change. The last few months I did my best to enroll into college and take classes, in hopes that I could get government funds to help pay for school and help me purchase a used car but that fell apart recently. The last couple of days I was told that I was going to get nearly three thousand dollars for my current semester of school but the next day it was canceled. You see, years ago I attempted to better myself and went to a business college but my illness was just too much and I couldn't complete the training. However, I have loans for nearly ten thousand dollars that were outstanding. Luckily, because I became disabled with my diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia, the loans were forgiven. This saved me because of my income is so little and I couldn't afford to pay back the loans. I was told in the email that if I reinstate the old loans, I can qualify for the government funds I was promised. Sadly, I'm in no position to be able to pay back the old loans with my current disability income, so I won't get a cent for my return to college. I'm heart broken and hurt because even though it doesn't seem like a big deal. It was very difficult for me to make the effort to go to college. I had to go take assessment tests and talk to counselors. I had to fill out complicated forms and I had no help. I'm not dumb but my illness sometimes makes it difficult to understand the easiest of tasks. I struggled to enroll to my college and just when everything was going to work out, it's back to square one. I'm taking a full schedule of classes, even though I haven't worked or attended school in over a decade. The classes and textbooks have left me in debt and with little money. I don't have much money after I pay my rent and bills, so I'm already struggling to get by. Sometimes I just want to give up and just shut myself off from the world again. Not having money to buy my son decent food, clothes, or take him any place far because my car is falling apart leaves me with an empty feeling inside. I've let myself down but more than that, I've let my son down also. I don't know what to do anymore. My depression and anxiety are tearing me apart. I pray to God for guidance and try to be a good christian but I know I fall short, like everyone else. I feel so defeated. I need a miracle.

Click here to visit my YouTube channel...

Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful.  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...

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