Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Strangers in my head.

For the last few days, the only conversations I've been having are all taking place inside my head. I remember years ago, when I lived alone, the loneliness would get to me so badly that I would drink beer and sometimes whiskey to escape the solitude. However, now I try my best to stay away from alcohol because I know it isn't the answer.  Day by day I feel trapped with the voices in my head. A great deal of my inner monologue is self defeating and brings on my depression. The other part of the voices come from disembodied characters that I've heard for many years. They constantly argue and bicker but I do my best to tune them out but it doesn't always work. A great deal of the voices are angry and their tone is accusatory. They blame me for past failures and recommend that I just end my existence. I'm grateful that I'm able to take my prescribed Seroquel and almost fully avoid their nightly harassment but in truth, I can't take my medication every night because it isn't feasible. There are some days that I must get up early and be devoid of the haze that Seroquel puts over me. I can't seem to find a balance that will work for me when it comes to prescribed medication. I don't like the thought of self medicating but lets face it, it's an inconvenient truth on my part. I use to be this person who wanted to avoid being medicated at all cost because I feared losing myself and becoming nothing short of a zombie. It is only now that I realize that there really isn't a way to avoid zombie-fying myself. If I want to live with some independence, I'll have to understand that my inner voice may be my only company at times, as well as, the unrelenting strangers inside my head.

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My dying car...

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