Wednesday, September 30, 2015

My big fat "Leave me alone" blanket.




Sometimes, while I  sit on my couch and look around my small apartment, I think, "Is this it?" I suppose everybody has dreams. Dreams that they secretly hope one day will come true but when does that window close? When do you have to accept your lot in life? I keep thinking about my future and how I can possibly make it better but my thoughts continue to bring me down. I use to think that everyone had an inner voice that occasionally was audible, especially when nobody was around. A voice that always spoke of the worse possible outcomes. This voice in my head continues to tell me that nothing is going to change and things will only get worse. It often leaves me feeling drained of any enthusiasm and the feeling of wanting to give up. My return to college hasn't been very successful. I thought it was possible I could make friends but I don't know how to do it and if I did, I'm not sure I would be a good friend to have. It isn't that I come across as negative because I really think I hide it from the world. I feign happiness and do my best to seem like any normal person but I'm not sure if that's even working. Then, on the rare chance I meet someone that wants to get to know me, I drop the ball and come across as if I don't want to get to know them or that I have no time for them. This couldn't be further from the truth but I think the fact that I haven't had a friend in so many years, I embrace my isolation. As much as being alone hurts me emotionally, I've grown to accept it and wrapped myself in a big "Leave me alone" blanket.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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Monday, September 21, 2015

All my friends are in my head.



Some people live their lives joyfully but pretty much my entire life takes place inside my head. There's constant self talk taking place and I'm often left thinking of the worse possible outcomes on a continuous loop. It's exhausting, as well as, depressing and it leaves me in a constant state of anxiety. I can't possibly put in words what it is like to live this way but I suppose you can imagine what it's like. When I was younger, I thought everyone had to deal with life this way and I didn't think I was different in any particular way but I've learned that isn't true. I don't wear a cast on my arm or use a wheel chair to get around, so when people look at me, they don't believe anything is wrong with me. I'm sure they think I'm just a drain on the system and should be put away some where or they think nothing is wrong with me and I should just snap out of it. Do you think I want to live this way? I woke up in the middle of the night and felt so alone that I began to cry. I looked at my phone and wished there was someone I could call but there wasn't. I started to pace and run my hands constantly through my hair. My anxiety was on full effect and I had nowhere to turn. I use to have suicidal thoughts and even attempted to kill myself with pills and booze in the past but I don't have it in me to do that, as far as I know. I wish for death sometimes but not at my own hands. Sometimes I wish I would die in my sleep or have something kill me health wise because I often feel overwhelmed and so very alone. My faith in God and the possibility of going to hell keeps me from taking my life but that doesn't stop this hurt. This isn't the life I imagined when I was younger and I always thought I would beat this somehow but I'm so lost. So very lost and alone.






Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...





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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

"I used constant worry as a talisman against bad things happening to me." - Conan O'Brien





Returning to school has been very difficult for me and I've been depressed about it from the start. My motivation for returning to school wasn't strictly to enhance my education. My main reason was the hope of receiving The Pell Grant funds I thought I would be allocated for college but sadly, I've been denied any money from the government because of my previous delinquent student loans. I understand that people should pay their bills but my past student loans were forgiven because my Paranoid Schizophrenia got the best of me and I became disabled. Still, those forgiven loans prevent me from obtaining any money and I'm so disappointed. I intended to use the funds to purchase a used car. A car that I could use not only to drive back and forth to college but also use to be able to pick up my son for the time I'm allowed to spend with him. Also, I thought after being out of work and pretty much a shut in for over a decade, returning to school would be good for me. Perhaps it would lead to a job? I so want to be a better person for my son and that's another reason I returned to school. I'm just as sick as I ever been and the horrible thoughts that run through my head on a constant loop tear me down so much. I make mountains over mole hills on a constant basis. I think bad thoughts of how life is going to destroy me and that I have no chance for happiness. I heard of all people, Conan O'Brien of late night television say, "I used constant worry as a talisman against bad things happening to me." Those words ring so true to me but on such a grand scale. My thoughts are always going against me and no matter how I try, they continue to be negative and kill what little joy I have in my life. Without any family or friends, I thought returning to school would put me out there and change my life but instead, it has been such a burden. I remember in high school I use to get A's and B's with little trouble but during my junior year the symptom of my Paranoid Schizophrenia hit me like a ton of bricks and my grades plummeted. Like then, I can longer concentrate and have trouble focusing. I have this habit of putting things off into the last minute, then giving up. Today, I should have been in school but all I wanted to do is sleep the day away and forget everything. I'm left feeling guilty and wondering what I should do? There's nobody to talk to or set me in the right direction. I feel like I'm falling into a hole and no matter how hard I struggle, I get nowhere.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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Monday, September 14, 2015

All my relationships have led me to here; in hell.






When you're alone, thinking about relationships comes easy. I think about my past and how every little decision has led me to my current destination, which is alone. I like being in a relationship but probably for all the wrong reasons. Firstly, I don't like being alone and I have jumped into relationships because of my all consuming loneliness. I don't think that it's ever a good idea to force a relationship, just because you have a fear of being alone and all that entails. Maybe the right decisions would have led me to a life with someone that loved me as much as I loved them. A life filled with happiness and joy, unlike the one I have now. I hate to be alone but right now I don't have the strength to look for someone to fill that void. How can I love someone or even grow to love someone, if I don't love myself? My last relationship of nearly four years ended about nine months ago, but in truth, it should have never have lasted for that long of a period. Within months, I knew that she wasn't interested in the long term and I kept catching her emotionally cheating on me with guys she'd met online or from her past. The only reason I kept fighting over and over for the relationship to last was the fact that we had a son. It's all so complicated because I knew when I came to live in Sacramento, I wasn't the biological father and he wasn't going to be in the picture. Still, I was the one who brought our son home from the hospital after being in The ICU for a month. I was the one who did the majority of the rearing, so that my then girlfriend could attend and complete college. I love him, as if he was a part of me and our bond is so strong. The first time I looked into my son's eyes, I knew he would change it forever and I couldn't let him down. In fact, when he was just an infant and nobody was around, I would whisper to him, "I'll always love you and I'll never leave you." I told him this over and over because even though I knew he couldn't understand me, the weight of my worlds would get through somehow. Only now, I only get to see him three days a week. Otherwise, I'm alone in my apartment until it's time for him to return to me. Of course, I'm happy that I get to be in his life, after breaking up with my girlfriend. I still cry every time I have to drop him back off at his mom's house. I guess I should be happy that at least, I have him and he calls me, "Da." It's still a heartbreaking conclusion because in essence, I'm alone still. I don't have a friend, much less a girlfriend and it's depressing. The depression puts me in such a rut and causes me to have symptoms from my Paranoid Schizophrenia that are scary. I have these visions in my head of bad things happening to my son and they are constant. My brain works against me and shows me these horrible pictures that I can't let go. Also, I occasionally hear conversations about my son and something bad happening to him. I try to be strong and just get through my day without it getting to me, but it's hard! I'm in constant worry, not just because of these thoughts but for other reasons like, living alone, not having much money, my car breaking down and not being able to see my son. These thoughts run over and over like a broken record and leave me with a face of constant worry. Even though I have faith in God and I pray as much as I remember to, it's difficult to remain positive about my life. I really don't know what is going to happen to me, especially in the near future, but I pray that I have the strength to get through it. A relationship now wouldn't be idea because who would accept me and all my flaws?








Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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