Monday, September 14, 2015

All my relationships have led me to here; in hell.

When you're alone, thinking about relationships comes easy. I think about my past and how every little decision has led me to my current destination, which is alone. I like being in a relationship but probably for all the wrong reasons. Firstly, I don't like being alone and I have jumped into relationships because of my all consuming loneliness. I don't think that it's ever a good idea to force a relationship, just because you have a fear of being alone and all that entails. Maybe the right decisions would have led me to a life with someone that loved me as much as I loved them. A life filled with happiness and joy, unlike the one I have now. I hate to be alone but right now I don't have the strength to look for someone to fill that void. How can I love someone or even grow to love someone, if I don't love myself? My last relationship of nearly four years ended about nine months ago, but in truth, it should have never have lasted for that long of a period. Within months, I knew that she wasn't interested in the long term and I kept catching her emotionally cheating on me with guys she'd met online or from her past. The only reason I kept fighting over and over for the relationship to last was the fact that we had a son. It's all so complicated because I knew when I came to live in Sacramento, I wasn't the biological father and he wasn't going to be in the picture. Still, I was the one who brought our son home from the hospital after being in The ICU for a month. I was the one who did the majority of the rearing, so that my then girlfriend could attend and complete college. I love him, as if he was a part of me and our bond is so strong. The first time I looked into my son's eyes, I knew he would change it forever and I couldn't let him down. In fact, when he was just an infant and nobody was around, I would whisper to him, "I'll always love you and I'll never leave you." I told him this over and over because even though I knew he couldn't understand me, the weight of my worlds would get through somehow. Only now, I only get to see him three days a week. Otherwise, I'm alone in my apartment until it's time for him to return to me. Of course, I'm happy that I get to be in his life, after breaking up with my girlfriend. I still cry every time I have to drop him back off at his mom's house. I guess I should be happy that at least, I have him and he calls me, "Da." It's still a heartbreaking conclusion because in essence, I'm alone still. I don't have a friend, much less a girlfriend and it's depressing. The depression puts me in such a rut and causes me to have symptoms from my Paranoid Schizophrenia that are scary. I have these visions in my head of bad things happening to my son and they are constant. My brain works against me and shows me these horrible pictures that I can't let go. Also, I occasionally hear conversations about my son and something bad happening to him. I try to be strong and just get through my day without it getting to me, but it's hard! I'm in constant worry, not just because of these thoughts but for other reasons like, living alone, not having much money, my car breaking down and not being able to see my son. These thoughts run over and over like a broken record and leave me with a face of constant worry. Even though I have faith in God and I pray as much as I remember to, it's difficult to remain positive about my life. I really don't know what is going to happen to me, especially in the near future, but I pray that I have the strength to get through it. A relationship now wouldn't be idea because who would accept me and all my flaws?

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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful.  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...

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