Tuesday, September 15, 2015

"I used constant worry as a talisman against bad things happening to me." - Conan O'Brien





Returning to school has been very difficult for me and I've been depressed about it from the start. My motivation for returning to school wasn't strictly to enhance my education. My main reason was the hope of receiving The Pell Grant funds I thought I would be allocated for college but sadly, I've been denied any money from the government because of my previous delinquent student loans. I understand that people should pay their bills but my past student loans were forgiven because my Paranoid Schizophrenia got the best of me and I became disabled. Still, those forgiven loans prevent me from obtaining any money and I'm so disappointed. I intended to use the funds to purchase a used car. A car that I could use not only to drive back and forth to college but also use to be able to pick up my son for the time I'm allowed to spend with him. Also, I thought after being out of work and pretty much a shut in for over a decade, returning to school would be good for me. Perhaps it would lead to a job? I so want to be a better person for my son and that's another reason I returned to school. I'm just as sick as I ever been and the horrible thoughts that run through my head on a constant loop tear me down so much. I make mountains over mole hills on a constant basis. I think bad thoughts of how life is going to destroy me and that I have no chance for happiness. I heard of all people, Conan O'Brien of late night television say, "I used constant worry as a talisman against bad things happening to me." Those words ring so true to me but on such a grand scale. My thoughts are always going against me and no matter how I try, they continue to be negative and kill what little joy I have in my life. Without any family or friends, I thought returning to school would put me out there and change my life but instead, it has been such a burden. I remember in high school I use to get A's and B's with little trouble but during my junior year the symptom of my Paranoid Schizophrenia hit me like a ton of bricks and my grades plummeted. Like then, I can longer concentrate and have trouble focusing. I have this habit of putting things off into the last minute, then giving up. Today, I should have been in school but all I wanted to do is sleep the day away and forget everything. I'm left feeling guilty and wondering what I should do? There's nobody to talk to or set me in the right direction. I feel like I'm falling into a hole and no matter how hard I struggle, I get nowhere.







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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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