Thursday, December 31, 2015

Christmas will never be the same.


Celebrating Christmas isn't the same when you have no family or friends around. It slowly but surely becomes just another day in your life. A day where you are constantly reminded by the media, just how alone you truly are. I had Christmas decorations boxed up in my closet but I couldn't bring myself to bring them out. Then for a brief moment in time, I put away all my selfishness and realized I had to celebrate Christmas, for my son. I would only have my son for a few hours on Christmas Eve but I had to get into the Christmas spirit for him. My son was going to have memories of me and I want them to be happy ones. I took out the fake plastic Christmas tree and adorned it with lights and ornaments. I wrapped up the few presents I was able to save up and buy for him. I wrote in big letters on 8 1/2 x 11 single sheet paper, "Merry Christmas Aiden!" I wanted it to be as special as I could make it for my four year old son. When his mom dropped him off at my door, he looked all around the living room and saw the Christmas decorations. He smiled from ear to ear and jumped into my arms and said, "I love you Da!" Moments like that are why I try my best to keep going, in spite of my Paranoid Schizophrenia. I want my son to have cherished memories of me, no matter how brief. His mother picked him up a few hours later and my son gave me a kiss good bye. I then sat on my couch and cried like a baby for about an hour. Christmas will never be the same.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...










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#ParanoidSchizophrenia #Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mentalhealthawareness #ProjectExclamationPoint #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression #Sexualabuse




Wednesday, December 23, 2015

It's been 8 months since I've uploaded a video... I'm still here.





At one time I wanted to upload videos onto Youtube in a regular basis. I wanted to share my story and give people some insight into the life of someone who suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia. Well, it's been 8 months since I uploaded a new video. Hopefully I'll be able to share more of myself on YouTube in the future. Thank you and God Bless.




Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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#ParanoidSchizophrenia #Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mentalhealthawareness #ProjectExclamationPoint #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression #Sexualabuse

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

"But It Did Happen."



Being alone is hard and I'm alone a lot. I spend a great deal of my time with self talk. I sit on my couch and think about my future and how scary it seems and also my past; my ugly past. I can't say that my entire past was awful because that wouldn't be true. I can think of many times where I thought my world was truly complete. The times I spent with my family when I was younger were some of the best times of my life. Unfortunately, things happen and I had to make decisions that changed nearly everything. I didn't ask to be sexually assaulted by my step dad. I didn't ask for my family to turn their back on me and support my step dad, instead of me. How could they have my family done this to me? The easy answer is money and in the end, it was all about money and what they could get from my step dad. They couldn't turn their back on him, he was their meal ticket. My mother, although supportive at first, lied to me. She told me that the my step dad would be nothing to her and she knew exactly how I felt because she was molested when she was young. Only my mother lied because the truth was that she wanted me to keep my mouth shut and foolishly I did just that at first. For months I kept my mouth shut but in the interim, my mom grew closer to my step dad, while ignoring me and my feelings. My mother wanted me to be silent and have the passage of time blow everything under the drug. However, I saw this happening and I raised my voice and told them I'd go to the police, if they didn't give me the money they took from my disability checks in the recent years, so I could move out and get away from them. Unfortunately, that didn't work because my entire family sided with my step dad and were going to call me a liar. My entire family was going to side with my step dad and if I went to the authorities, they would say my illness made me a liar and I was crazy. All because they wanted the perks of having my step dad finance their life and not uproot their idea lifestyle. Money, it was about money. I did get away and now I find myself alone in Sacramento, California. Where I had hope to start a new life with a girl I met online. Of course, that didn't last and I'm alone. Well, not entirely because I get to see my son a few days a week. The time my son isn't with me is spent locked up in my apartment watching television and wishing for a better life, all the while suffering from Paranoid Schizophrenia. I found out later that my step dad messed with my younger sister before he forced himself on me. People say, "How can you let a guy take your pants off and suck your dick?" They say, "You probably let it happen because you're secretly gay." The truth is, I was out cold from taking a heavy dose of Seroquel. I couldn't stop him from molesting me. Should I have beaten the man up? Think about it; my family would side with him and call me a liar. I'd end up in jail and lose my disability check. It only took a few years later for my step dad to die of cancer, after the fact. I felt no joy or it didn't really make me happy. My only thoughts were of my mother, brother, and sister. They finally got what they want. They got the dead man's house, car, and money. Everything they wanted and were afraid to lose, if they stood by me. Now, I'm alone and have no contact with any of my family. Life isn't fear and I can only pray to God that my life will be okay and it won't get worse. Because right now, the loneliness is really getting to me.





Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






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#ParanoidSchizophrenia #Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mentalhealthawareness #ProjectExclamationPoint #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression #Sexualabuse

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The holiday season = Depression and more Schizophrenia related symptoms.



The holiday season is difficult and my depression gets the best of me. Depression and Schizophrenia doesn't mix well because my depression triggers a lot of my symptoms. I have a lot more audible hallucinations and my only drive is to sleep the day away. Finding the balance of medication, in order to sleep and to be awake when I have to be is very difficult. Seroquel can really kick me in the behind and leave me almost in a coma like state. The Prozac I take often gives me a boost in spirit, but more so energy wise. It's a delicate balance made more difficult when I'm able to have my son visit me. He's only four years old and full of energy. He wants all of my attention and I have to be in the best state of mind to do the job. I love my son so very much and I want to be the best father in the world but I know I can do a lot better. I really can't take the Seroquel when I have him over because I have to be fully awake and able to watch him. The time I have with my son is the best and I wouldn't trade it for the world. He's my everything. However, I go without sleep for long periods of time when I'm able to have him over. The Seroquel I take is the only way I can get a full night sleep that isn't interrupted by audible hallucinations or insomnia. I truly wish there was a balance I could take when it comes to my medication but that doesn't exist for now. It's a real struggle and I can't put in words how hard I try to be the best father I can be. Christmas is for children and I want my son to have joyous memories and not be affected by my illness.





There is still no luck in obtaining enough money for a good used car, in order to keep having my son visit me weekly. I've managed to save a couple hundred dollars but Christmas and car troubles have blown much of that away. Also, I have to purchase one of those newer car seats for my son because he's getting too big for the one I have in my car now. I feel badly when I drive to the store or when I'm taking my son places because my car looks like a piece of junk and makes a lot of noise when it idles. I hope one day I can do all the things I want for my son. I'm trying my best by going to college part time and trying to get back into society. I've been disabled for over a decade and haven't worked for so long but I want my son to be proud of his daddy. I never want him to look at me with those eyes that pity my existence. I've seen my estranged family and forgotten friends give me that look at it's always soul crushing.






Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...




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#ParanoidSchizophrenia #Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mentalhealthawareness #ProjectExclamationPoint #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression #Sexualabuse

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

A sort of Thanksgiving.








It's difficult being alone in the first place but when you add the holiday season, it sometimes becomes unbearable. I use to fear that I would eventually live a life with little or no contact with society and unfortunately the fear has come true. Thanksgiving was really hard on me because I have fond memories of my family getting together and sharing the best meal of the year. Afterwards, I would have the pleasure of interacting with my family and witnessing a togetherness that I currently wished I had. Thanksgiving was really my favorite holiday but now it just highlights the fact that I'm alone now. I spent the entire day sitting on my couch watching football games and various television shows. Around three o'clock I became hungry and decided to warm up my microwave turkey dinner. I splurged on dinner rolls in order to make my meal more complete. The dinner wasn't that bad but I never felt so alone. The loneliness of the holiday season is sometimes too much for me to handle. I started to cry after I finished my meal. It will never be the same and I'm slowly realizing this fact. The only joy of the day came when my ex girlfriend dropped off my son around nine. He was so happy to see me and he wanted us to play with his Hot Wheels, so I sat down on the carpet and played cars with him for about an hour. He fell asleep leaning against me on the floor, while still holding one of his Hot Wheel cars. Laying on the floor for so long made my legs hurt, as well as, my back. I wasn't comfortable at all. Still, I sat on the ground with my son for another hour or so, even though he was cuddled up against me and sound asleep. I needed to feel wanted by someone. I'm so thankful to have him with me, even if it's a few days a week. I can't imagine life without him.







Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...











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#Paranoid Schizophrenia #Schizophrenia #Mental Illness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mental health awareness #Sexual abuse #Project Exclamation Pointn #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression