Wednesday, December 16, 2015

"But It Did Happen."

Being alone is hard and I'm alone a lot. I spend a great deal of my time with self talk. I sit on my couch and think about my future and how scary it seems and also my past; my ugly past. I can't say that my entire past was awful because that wouldn't be true. I can think of many times where I thought my world was truly complete. The times I spent with my family when I was younger were some of the best times of my life. Unfortunately, things happen and I had to make decisions that changed nearly everything. I didn't ask to be sexually assaulted by my step dad. I didn't ask for my family to turn their back on me and support my step dad, instead of me. How could they have my family done this to me? The easy answer is money and in the end, it was all about money and what they could get from my step dad. They couldn't turn their back on him, he was their meal ticket. My mother, although supportive at first, lied to me. She told me that the my step dad would be nothing to her and she knew exactly how I felt because she was molested when she was young. Only my mother lied because the truth was that she wanted me to keep my mouth shut and foolishly I did just that at first. For months I kept my mouth shut but in the interim, my mom grew closer to my step dad, while ignoring me and my feelings. My mother wanted me to be silent and have the passage of time blow everything under the drug. However, I saw this happening and I raised my voice and told them I'd go to the police, if they didn't give me the money they took from my disability checks in the recent years, so I could move out and get away from them. Unfortunately, that didn't work because my entire family sided with my step dad and were going to call me a liar. My entire family was going to side with my step dad and if I went to the authorities, they would say my illness made me a liar and I was crazy. All because they wanted the perks of having my step dad finance their life and not uproot their idea lifestyle. Money, it was about money. I did get away and now I find myself alone in Sacramento, California. Where I had hope to start a new life with a girl I met online. Of course, that didn't last and I'm alone. Well, not entirely because I get to see my son a few days a week. The time my son isn't with me is spent locked up in my apartment watching television and wishing for a better life, all the while suffering from Paranoid Schizophrenia. I found out later that my step dad messed with my younger sister before he forced himself on me. People say, "How can you let a guy take your pants off and suck your dick?" They say, "You probably let it happen because you're secretly gay." The truth is, I was out cold from taking a heavy dose of Seroquel. I couldn't stop him from molesting me. Should I have beaten the man up? Think about it; my family would side with him and call me a liar. I'd end up in jail and lose my disability check. It only took a few years later for my step dad to die of cancer, after the fact. I felt no joy or it didn't really make me happy. My only thoughts were of my mother, brother, and sister. They finally got what they want. They got the dead man's house, car, and money. Everything they wanted and were afraid to lose, if they stood by me. Now, I'm alone and have no contact with any of my family. Life isn't fear and I can only pray to God that my life will be okay and it won't get worse. Because right now, the loneliness is really getting to me.

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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful.  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...

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