Friday, November 18, 2016

Another life affirming trip to my psychiatrist's office. *Insert Sarcast...



I'm aware that I'm very fortunate to be able to see a psychiatrist. Many who suffer from mental illness don't get the chance to see one, and I realize this fact. Still, I'd like to vent. It isn't easy surviving on disability, and I wish I had help. If not for me, my son.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...


                      

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Confusing dreams with reality. (But I'm not a liar)




One of the worse side effect of my illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia) is confusing a dream with reality. Right now, I'm not having any trouble with this, but that can easily change if I'm under stress. With anxiety and stress, my symptoms rear their ugly head with abandon. I do my best to keep myself on a level plain of existence. I try to limit my thoughts and any plans that might have, in order to keep from worrying too much. Unfortunately, this process is a daily battle and I don't always win. For instance, this morning I woke up from a terrible dream. If I explain the dream I had, I'm not sure the impact, using just words, would give it justice. It involved my family, which I have no contact with anymore (For good reason). I was humiliated by my family continually through this nightmare. I woke up in tears, and my first thought was, "I want to die!" As I lye on my couch, I kept replaying the dream in my head. How horrible it was, and how real it felt to me had me feeling beyond despair. I could only imagine if my Paranoid Schizophrenic symptoms were in full effect. This kind of dream would have sent me over the edge. I wish I was able to explain my experience better. The awareness I'd like to bring to my particular illness is something I live for, and I hope I'm somehow accomplishing this feat.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...



       



            
Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...






                      

Monday, October 31, 2016

My autograph collection of movie actresses from The Golden Age of Hollyw...





 I uploaded this video, in order to share with you my collection of autographs from actresses from The Golden Age of Hollywood (Circa 1940s). I was, and I still am a very big fan of classic black and white films.








Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Friday, October 28, 2016

Perception is reality.

 


After I dropped off my son at school today, I went to grocery store to buy some milk. As I was standing in line to purchase the milk, I slowly had the urge to sneeze. This urge to sneeze kept building and building and as much as I attempted to hold back my sneeze, it was quickly becoming an almost impossible task. However, I scrunched up my face and nose, in order to hold back the involuntary explosion. Unfortunately, when I was scrunching up my face and making a stink eye, the lady in line in front of me glanced over in my direction. She wasn't aware of my attempt to hold back my sneeze. It was apparent that she believed I was giving her a dirty look, and she wasn't happy. As I stood there, in line, I was at a lost on how to handle to situation. Should I get her attention and explain the that I wasn't giving he a dirty look? Slowly, my guilt was getting the best of me, so I tapped her on the shoulder. As she turned, I attempted to explain to her the reasoning behind my facial expression had nothing to do with her. However, she just raised her hand in the air and said, "Oh no you don't!" Followed by, "God don't like ugly!" She was livid and believed I was caught being "Ugly" toward her. It's funny, as well as a bit sad, to think she will go on with the rest of her day not understanding what really happened. I imagine her talking to her friends and family, as she tells them how some guy in line at the grocery store gave her a dirty look, for no apparent reason. Then I remembered something a coworker said to me years ago, "Perception is Reality." Good or bad, no truer words have been uttered in my lifetime.





If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...










Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Thursday, October 27, 2016

It happens to men: My sexual assault story.




(I want to apologize in advance for this entry...I wrote the truth and from the heart but I wrote quickly because it hurts to remember. I just think it's so important a subject, and needs to be shared.)

Lately I've been thinking a great deal about my family, and how that are not longer a part of my life. It saddens me to think that I'm pretty much alone in this world. I've written on this blog, in the past, on the reason why I cut my family out of my life. It's a difficult, yet important subject to bring up because sexual abuse is often swept under the rug. Talking about sexual abuse and assault makes people uncomfortable and I understand this fact. However, if this subject isn't brought to the light of day, I think more and more instances will occur. You see, I was sexually assaulted by my step dad. I can remember vividly waking up and finding him on top of me, with my pants down. His words, "I didn't know you were so hairy." Followed by, "I've done you for a while, so it's your turn to do me." I can remember the horror of the situation. I instantly got up and ran into the bathroom. A million thoughts raced in my head while I was locked in the bathroom. How could this happen to me? I should kill him! The fact is, I went into my bedroom and cried my eyes out. You might ask, "How is it that you weren't aware that your step dad was on top of you?" To answer your question, I was taking 1200mg of Seroquel, an anti psychotic drug that induces sleep. I could sleep through a hurricane while on Seroquel, and my step dad knew this fact. Every part of my being wanted to hurt my step dad, and it wouldn't be difficult for me to make that happen, but for some reason I knew it wasn't a good idea. I knew if I beat him to death or otherwise harmed him, I would end up locked up in jail. In hindsight, I'm very grateful I thought of the possibly of jail time. My step dad and I were alone in the house for the weekend, while my mom was away on a short vacation. My step dad continued to make advances at me, while walking around in his underwear. He'd flash his penis and tell me how he liked his dick sucked. He even offered me money. He said, "Come on, I'll give you hundred dollars." He then said, "You can take your girlfriend out with the money I give you." I kept myself locked inside my room most of the weekend, but that didn't stop my step dad. He slid pornographic pictures of women sucking dicks, circled with a black sharpie. He cornered me in the living room and explained that when he passed away, I could have all his gold jewelry and he'd take care of me really good, if I just sucked his dick. It was a horrifying weekend! Hours before my mother was to return, my step dad knocked on my bedroom door. I could hear him crying, so I opened the door. He was down on his knees begging me not to say anything to my mother. He said that he was so sorry for disrespecting me and to please forgive him. I knew he was more worried about what my mother would do, than being truly sorry but I told him I wouldn't say anything. To be honest, I didn't want to think about what he did to me, and I wanted to erase it from my mind. Just before he got up from his knees, he asked me to give him the pornographic pictures he slid under my door, so he could throw them away. Suddenly he was an upright Christian and wanted the dirty pictures to be thrown in the trash. However, I knew he just wanted to get rid of the evidence. I gave him the pictures because I didn't think I'd need proof, if I decided to tell my mom. I peaked outside the kitchen window, as I watched my step dad throw the pornographic images in the trash outside. When my mother returned from her trip, I said nothing and for months I kept quiet. The funny thing was that I mostly kept quiet because I didn't want my mom to get hurt, and have her marriage end. Little did I know, the fact that my step dad sexually assaulted me wouldn't be enough reason for my mother to end her relationship with my step dad. About three months later, I was driving around in my car at night crying my eyes out. The day before I told my then girlfriend what my step dad did to me, but it was too much for her and she broke up with me. I was in so much pain and paying little attention to the road, so I crashed my car into the back of a pick up truck. Luckily, I didn't hurt the driver and her car had little to no damage. My car, however, was damaged and I had to get it towed. Sadly, more than a decade later, I still drive the same car and it's a constant reminder of the sexual assault from my step dad. When I arrived home in a tow truck, my step dad knocked on my bedroom door and said the following, "Looks like you won't have anywhere to go for a while." He said those words with an evil grin, and I was furious! I instantly went into my mom's bedroom and told her everything. She didn't appear to be shocked and went into the living room to confront my step dad. My mother knew I was telling the truth and told me that my step dad was nothing to her and he would only be a roommate to her. She also treated me with such care and was so kind to me. Little did I know that it was all a ruse. My mom didn't care, she only wanted me to keep quiet about what happened to me. Still, for a few months she kept up the appearance of being my best friend and believing me entirely. She gave my step dad the cold shoulder, while treating me with love. Like I said, it only lasted a few months and after that, my mom started to ignore me and went back to having a loving relationship with my step dad. She got what she wanted the most. The day after my mom found out that my step dad sexually assaulted me, she told him that if he drank anymore alcohol, she would tell his biological son what he did to me. My step dad was so scared of this happening, he went to his doctor and got a prescription to help him stop drinking. He never drank again, so my mom was thrilled that her drunk of a husband couldn't drink anymore. I remember going to her and telling her I wanted the money I paid to live with them back, in order to move out. I couldn't live with them anymore. She said then said these words, "Whatever happened between you and him, is between you and him." In other words, she couldn't care less anymore. I remember thinking how could she do this to me? My own mother was turning her back on me. I couldn't believe what was happening, so I devised a plan to see if she was as evil as she was appearing to be. I wrote a letter to myself and put the return address from the local police department, as well as a fake detectives name on the envelope. I wanted to see if my mom would intercept the letter, and she did. She opened my letter when it came in the mail... It was stuffed with some of my old bills, to give the appearance that I was corresponding with the local authorities about the sexual assault. She through the letter in my room and the contents on my floor, as to say, "Nice try." The next couple of months my mom and step dad continued to have their relationship grow, while I stayed locked up in my bedroom depressed beyond words. Then, one weekend my mother had one of her girlfriends over and I could hear all of them laughing and having a good old time in the living room. I was so angry! I went into the bathroom and smashed my hair dryer into a bunch of pieces. Suddenly I had everyone's attention. I walked out of the bathroom to find my step brother walking down the hallway. As I was about to reenter my bedroom, he blocked me and said if you want to hit someone, hit me. You see, my mother had been turning my step brother against me for the past few months. In a note I wrote to her a few months back, I complained that my step brother made more money than I did, so why didn't he pay rent like myself? I suppose this angered him and that's why he was coming to the defense of my mom and step dad because my mom showed him the note. When my step brother blocked me, I just went around him and went into my room. However, he said, "I thought you'd back down" as I was walking away from him. This angered me, and although my step brother was a lot taller than me, I walked up to him and said, "I'm not afraid of you." He didn't know what to do because he was shocked I stood up to him, so he said, "I'm going to end this now, and call the police." I was in shock because I didn't know the reason why he would call the police on me. After all, I just smashed my own hair dryer and didn't threaten anyone. I remember him sitting by my mother and talking to 911... He said, "Yes, there are weapons in the house but they are secured." I could only imagine the police being on high alert because they were informed that the house had firearms...none of which I owned. When the police arrived, the asked me to step outside. I was so embarrassed because they had me raise my hands in the air, as they padded me down. A bunch of our neighbors were outside looking at me, as the police questioned me. I told them that I wasn't threatening anyone and I just wanted to go into my bedroom. The policeman was nice, so I told him, "Look, I was sexually assaulted by my step dad and that's why I was angry." I then precede to tell him, if there was anything I could do? He informed me that it would be pretty much my word against his, so unless I had the backing of my family, I was in no position to press charges. As I went back into my bedroom, I looked outside my window to see my step brother talking to the policemen... He was trying to get them to change their mind and take me away. I felt like I was in The Twilight Zone because everything felt unreal. Later, I stepped outside my room and into the living room to show them that they failed to get me locked up. My mom's friend then said, "You should get some counseling." I thought, the nerve of her! My step dad said, "I don't remember anything that happened between you and me." Which was such a lie because if he didn't sexually assault me, why on Earth would he be on his hands and knees crying and begging me to say nothing to my mother? I mean, he even remembered the pornographic pictures he slid under my bedroom door, but all of a sudden he's saying, "I was drunk and don't remember." My mother was the worse though, she was calling my older sister and asking her to come pick me up, while she cried crocodile tears. It was an unreal situation to say the least, but it was happening. Even my step brother said the following, "Everyone knows about the drugs in my room"... "If you go to the police, we can say that you were making up a lie, in order to get money." In other words, my family was willing to make up the lie that I made up the story that my step dad sexually assaulted me, in order to extort money from them. The whole situation became to much to bear, and I eventually moved out and lived in my car for awhile. My family was protecting my step dad, in order to keep him in their life because of his money. My mom didn't want to leave him because she knew that when he died, she'd get everything. My older sister and step brother knew that they couldn't believe me because they wouldn't get my mother's possessions when she died, as well as the house. Monetary gain was the whole reason my family turned their back on me and for no other reason. I've always been a soft spoken guy and my family had no trouble manipulating me in the past because in my heart, I think they treated me less than a regular person because I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia. In their eyes, I didn't deserve to have a life like theirs and being sexually assaulted wasn't a big deal. My step brother even blamed me, when he said, "Why did you even hang out with him (My step dad)?" He said this because he wanted to shift blame to me. He also said, "Everyone knows about the drugs in my room." Yes, I take prescription drugs that I get prescribed from a doctor, so I didn't know why he would say that? I mean, I've never taken any illegal drugs in my life... it just isn't something I'd do.


I broke all ties with my family in 2009, and they aren't sorry for what they did to me. My step dad died of cancer a couple of years ago, but I didn't get any joy from hearing that news. In fact, a couple of months before he died, I wrote him and my mother a letter. I told them that I forgive them but I couldn't have a relationship with them anymore and God would be the final judge. The reason I forgave them was to get back my own peace of mind. To tell the truth, they weren't sorry at all... None of my family is sorry for what they put me through. The fact is, my step brother and older sister got closer to my step dad, after he sexually assaulted me... While turning their back on me. I still carry around a lot of hurt knowing that the people who should care about you the most, decided keeping a relationship with my step dad was more important because of financial reasons. In the end, they got his money and my older sister and step brother can't wait for my mom to die, so they can finally get their hands on the dead man's money.



I uploaded a video on Youtube about my situation five months ago(Located below). Will you please take a look and share it, if at all possible. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...













Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

My air mattress couch has currently took the wind out of my sails.





I feel bad when I don't update my blog. I tell myself, "You can do it!" However, my illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia), as well as my severe depression, makes it extremely difficult to muster up the inner drive it takes to blog on a daily basis. Also, lately I've been really depressed. Sometimes my depression worsens during this time of year. The Fall and Winter months really kick my behind, when it comes to my well being for some reason. This past week I've been thinking a lot about my financial situation. It's something that stays on my mind constantly because I'm really short with money these days. And if that wasn't enough, the air mattress couch that my son and I share, has sprung a leak. One of the three chambers doesn't hold air for very long, and it becomes flat within an hour. I struggled to locate the leak, but to no avail. I remember when I bought the air mattress couch the beginning of this year. I was so happy because my son and I finally had a bed to sleep in, and we didn't have to sleep on the living room couch anymore. Sadly, I don't have the money to replace the air mattress couch at the moment. It will probably take a few months to save enough money to buy a new one, if I'm lucky. I wish I had a real bed, at least for my son because it makes me feel really guilty not being able to provide one for him. I know there are some people who might think that's just too bad, you shouldn't have had a kid if you were disabled and lived on a fixed income. However, if you read my blog, you'd know the story on how my son came into my life. For now, my son and I sleep on the air mattress couch, but if it loses a lot of air quickly, my son and I wake up in the middle of the night to sleep on our living room couch.



My son doesn't realize that I don't have a lot of money, but I can see his disappointment on his face. He wants his dad to furnish a bed for the both of us, and he doesn't understand how hard I'm trying to stay afloat financially. This weighs on me heavily because the guilt forces me into a downward spiral of severe depression. Right now, I'm doing my best to get through this difficult time but when I think of the future, it scares me a lot.




                      




If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...



Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...



Saturday, October 15, 2016

My little Superman.



Unfortunately, my son has been this for the past week. At first, the doctor thought it was just a regular cough, but it turned into a diagnosis of Strep Throat. I knew it wasn't just your run of the mill cough because he also suffered from a very high fever, at times. I was worried to death, and the stress from constant worrying made me sick. I couldn't sleep all week, and I was afraid to take my Seroquel because that medication knocks me out. I didn't want to be rendered practically unconscious, if I was going to receive a phone call about my son's condition. I had my son over for the beginning of the week, but his mother had him the last few days. My son is my world and if anything happen to him, I would be devastated. I really can't put into words or convey to anyone how much my son means to me. He's my world!

The sad fact about my constant worrying this week is that my Paranoid Schizophrenic symptoms reared their ugly head. The worse of my symptoms had to be the constant negative images that my brain kept showing me. I would picture my son's lifeless body, in a constant loop that played repeatedly in my head. It was just awful and I couldn't shake the images. There have been many times in the past, where my brain would constantly show me terrifying images of my son in car accidents, or various death scenarios. As much as I would try, I couldn't get the ugly images out of my mind. I think this is one of the most diabolical things my illness does to me.

The last few days, when my son wasn't with me, I held onto a hat that I bought him some years back. It's a Superman hat, and the story behind the hat is something I'd like to share. You see, one day a few years back, I went to Target with my son. I had planned on making very limited purchases, like milk and bread. However, my son noticed the Superman hat that was for sale. He said, "Da, I want that!" I told him, "Why?" He explained, "Because I want to wear a hat and be like you." I looked at him and smiled because I often wear a ball cap when I go outside. Wearing a hat makes me feel safe and less noticeable, and that's something my illness wants from me. This was the first time my son conveyed to me that he wanted to be like me. It was more than him wanting me to buy him something. He wanted to be like his dad, and my heart smiled. I keep that hat near me all the time, especially when my son is with his mother. It's more than a hat to me; it's something that keeps me connected to my son, while I'm all alone in my apartment. I love my son!






If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      




Wednesday, October 12, 2016

I think it's a common misconception that people who suffer from mental illness are surrounded by a supportive family.




I think a lot of people have common misconceptions, when it comes to mental illness. There's one certain assumption that bothers me in particular, at least it has recently. Yes, I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia, and it makes my life beyond difficult. I think some people assume that I have a loving and supportive family, that helps me get through the rough patches in my life. You'd be wrong, if you thought I had any family that cared, or was in contact with me on a regular basis (There's a good reason). Yes, no family whatsoever, as well as, no friends whatsoever. I would be completely isolated, if I didn't share the responsibility of raising my son, with my ex girlfriend. It's a very lonely feeling, going through life with literally no conversation with a friend or family member, besides my five year old son. The days and nights that I don't have my son at home can only be described as the epitome of loneliness. When I'm alone, I sit down on my living room couch most of the time. Day or night, I sit there in silence, with only my television occasionally peaking my interest. I know what you might be thinking... Why don't I try to make friends? Why don't you go outside? Why don't you go somewhere, where there's a lot of people? I would say, "You're forgetting that my mental illness makes that extremely difficult. The fact is, the moment I go somewhere, I spend most of my energy wishing I was safe at home. You see, going anywhere can be so stressful and I'm engulfed with anxiety the moment I step out of my apartment. Also, my car is over twenty years old and it's falling apart. Unfortunately, it's currently my only lifeline to the world and having the ability to share the experience of raising my son. The moment I start my car, I pray to God it won't break down over and over. My fear is that one day soon it will break down for good, and my life would subsequently be in ruins. I know that sounds like I'm being overly dramatic, but it's the truth, as far as I'm concerned. This is why I have a link on my page to a GoFundMe and a PayPal account. I've had this set up for quite sometime, but to date, not one person has donated a penny. I totally understand there are people far worse off than me. I also know that it isn't always possible for someone to help me, just because they visit my blog. To tell the truth, I wouldn't want any help from someone that couldn't afford to give their money freely, and without concern for their own well being. I need help and it is my hope that one day the right person will stumble upon my blog, and give me a hand up, not a hand out. I'm alone, with no family or friends, but I have faith that one day my son and I will have a better life.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      


Sunday, October 2, 2016

Paranoid Schizophrenia: Winning the little battles, and eventually the war.


Lately, I've been thinking about the small changes that I've made in the past few years, to alter my thoughts. For instance, I use to have a lot of negative thoughts. If I was driving down the street in my car, the people who cut me off or drove recklessly, often irritated me to no end. The experience would instantly change my mood and increase my stress level. Unfortunately, the increase in stress can cause my Paranoid Schizophrenic symptoms to manifest. I was often left with my inner voice constantly reminding me how awful people could be, for no apparent reason. Seemingly small instances like this, would completely ruin my day. My brain wouldn't stop reliving the event, or events that set off my negative way of thinking. I know for some people it may be difficult to understand how what seem like insignificant negative experiences throughout the day, could adversely affect someone's thought process. But I assure you that it does, at least in my case. I don't know if it's my Paranoid Schizophrenic brain or perhaps something deeper, but the cumulative effects have a lasting impression. My brain won't let go, as it replays the gloomy events of my day non stop. However, I've been trying to change the way my brain handles these situations. For instance, if a car cuts me off, I don't get angry or upset anymore. I mean, at first it might get to me, but I instantly think of something positive. I thank God for sending one of his angels to cut me off in traffic. If I had continue without being cutoff, I would more likely than not been involved in an auto accident. Of course, that's just one example,  but I'm still doing my best to alter the way my brain handles negative situations. If I don't continue, I don't think the changes I want in my life will manifest. I believe the changes I want, especially the ones from my symptoms of Paranoid Schizophrenia, are possible. I can win the little battles, and eventually the war.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      






Thursday, September 29, 2016

Brief encounters with the unknown.


Today was a lot like yesterday, when it comes to the strange. You see, I started off this morning with a scare. While on my way to drop off my son at school, the car in front of me slammed on its brakes. I had to make a quick stop myself, in order to avoid crashing into the car. The odd thing was that the car slammed on its brakes for no apparent reason. The car just stayed there without motion, for about a minute, then put on its blinker to enter another lane. My five year old son said in loud voice, "That lady has issues!" It was lady, and I had to agree with my son.


After I dropped off my son at school, I went to the supermarket. As I entered an aisle in the store, a lady stopped in front of me and gasped, while holding her chest. I thought it was odd, but as I walked further down the aisle, I noticed she was talking to herself. She kept on saying, "Okay...Okay...Okay." As I continued to shop, I ran into the same lady in another part of the store. As I passed bye her this time, she grabbed her heart with both hands, and started to breathe heavily. It was, as if she thought I was following her throughout the store. Firstly, she looked like my grandma. Secondly, I didn't find her attractive, and that's being nice. Unfortunately, when she tells her side of the story, it will come out a lot different. I can only imagine her telling her family and friends that some young guy was following her around the supermarket. Stalking her because she was so beautiful and I had to have her!!!???






If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      



Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Today was filled with awkward moments.



You never know where the day will take you, or what life has in store for you. Today has been a series of awkward moments, so far. When I took my son to school this morning, I think I offended an elderly lady who happened to be walking pass my son and I. I know that sounds weird, but I'll explain. I often arrive at my son's school fifteen minutes early, just in case I have car trouble. We sit in front of school, while my son play's on his tablet. The game he was playing this morning was Buddyman 2. It's funny a game, where you slap and poke this character for points, as he occasionally says funny things out loud. While were sitting down, and as the older lady walked bye, the character in the game said out loud, "You got issues!" This made the lady stop, while she gave me and my son a dirty look. I felt like telling her, "It's just a game on his tablet." However, she wasn't amused. She actually believed my son, or myself go around mocking elderly women.


Later, I went to lunch at Panda Express. It's been awhile since I had Chinese food, and I had some extra money. As I ordered my food from the lady behind the counter, she was making suggestions on what I should buy. However, I couldn't fully understand what she was saying because she had a very strong Asian accent. When I'm usually faced with this predicament, I often say nothing and just nod my head in agreement. For all I know, I could be agreeing to purchase a hundred egg rolls! When I was about to pay for my food, the lady said something I couldn't fully understand, once again. However, I caught the end of what she was saying. She wanted to know if I wanted to donate a dollar to help children? Being short on cash, I said, "No thank you." Then she said in a loud voice and strong accent, "You no want to help kids!!!???" Again she continued in a loud voice, so everyone was able to hear, in the entire restaurant, "You no want to help kids!!!???" I was so embarrassed! Looking back, I should have just yelled out, "No, I don't want to help the kids!!!




First, I don't question elderly ladies about their personal problems. Secondly, I do want to help the kids! Such is life, I suppose.





If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      



Monday, September 26, 2016

This is what it feels like to be alone.


I hate feeling alone. I often wake up at 3am morning and sit in the darkness, that is my living room. I then turn on my television, but lower the volume until I can hear nothing. The images on my television illuminate the pitch black room, with seemingly endless bursts of light. The walls shimmer and ignite the otherwise empty room. Keeping me company, as I sit on my couch and stare for what seems like hours. This is what it feels like to be alone.









If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Friday, September 23, 2016

A brief history of my troubled childhood and subsequent sexual assault.


I grew up the son of a single mother who had four children, by three different fathers. I really never knew my father. He left my mother when I was just a baby. It was me and my older sister for awhile, as my mother struggled to support our impoverished family. All I knew about surviving was welfare and food stamps. My mother had a succession of boyfriends afterwards, as well as two more husbands. My first step dad was an unemployed heroin addict, who struggled staying clean. I can remember when I was five years old and my step dad brandish a gun, while in his bedroom. He said he was going to kill himself. I was child and I certainly had little idea of what was really going on. My mom eventually left him. After that, my mom had a number of boyfriends. Some of these boyfriends ended up living with us. One in particular use to cuss at me for no reason. He would often make fun of my looks and stripped me of all my confidence. He usually did this behind my mother's back, so she was clueless. I remember the night he grabbed me by my hair, while dragging me into my bedroom because I was laughing too loud at a movie we were watching, in the living room. My mom told me to be quiet, but I was a stubborn thirteen year old. I can remember, as he dragged me into my room by pulling my hair. He cussed and laughed at me. And just before he let go of my hair, he kicked me in the ass. I sat there crying in my room all night. I couldn't believe my mother let a boyfriend do that to me. Eventually my mom got pregnant with my younger brother, followed by my younger sister, by two different boyfriends. I believed she got pregnant on purpose because it allowed her to receive more welfare benefits and food stamps. After a few years, my mom found a guy, who was an abusive alcoholic. She married him, and he became the step dad that would eventually sexually assault me. An experience I've blogged about in the past. He would be the one who would in effect, have my family turn against me. This has pretty much destroyed my existence, and left me alone in the world. I made the following video and put it up on YouTube because I wanted to share my story.



Also, I had hoped it would possibly move someone or some individuals to help me out financially. Unfortunately, it hasn't but I'm still hoping that there might be people out there who could help. I know there are a great deal of people who have it worse than I do, and they should receive help before I do. However, I'm holding out for a miracle.


When I was younger, I use to have this strong feeling that I was living a nightmare. A nightmare that perhaps was induced by a coma. I imagined my real mother was at my bedside at a hospital. She looked just like my mom in this dream, but my real mom was a sweet and loving women. She would hold my hand and pray to God that her son would wake from his coma. She loved me so much!









If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      





I can do this!



This past week hasn't been a good one for me. Day to day activities have left me exhausted, but at the same time unable to sleep. Even though I take 600mg of Seroquel nightly (Unless I'm responsible for my son that day), Sleep has eluded me. If I fall asleep, for some reason I wake up every ten minutes. It's generated a lot of anxiety and stress, which it a bad combination for someone who suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia. I've had the occasional hallucinations. They've included imaginary spiders and snakes crawling on me, as well as being visible all around my apartment at times. Through the years, I've learned to block out the fear I have from my occasional visual hallucinations. I have little coping mechanisms I use and special self talk that brings me back to reality in most cases. Still, the lack of sleep isn't helping me, when it comes to the visual manifestations. I have to be strong and get through this rough patch. I can do this!









If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Thursday, September 22, 2016

I'm just a shadow of myself. Struggling to climb that mountain everyday.


Lately, I've been struggling a great deal. My Paranoid Schizophrenia is getting the best of me and I don't know what to do with myself? The other day it was 90 degrees outside, but my anxiety had me feeling cold. I was wrapped up in a blanket shivering and suffering from chills that made my body shake. Having felt this way for the last couple of days, I haven't been able to do much, but I can't take a break from raising my son. I have to take him to school today, as well as, pick him up. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but you have no idea. Being strong, when you're at your weakest point, is like climbing the biggest mountain. Only this mountain is so big, that you climb and climb, and get nowhere near its peak. This mountain is always in front of me. Whether I'm going to the supermarket or picking up my son from school, the mountain continues to stand in front of me. It makes me weak, and I'm left with the feeling that it's probably better to give up. Only, I can't give up!







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Monday, September 19, 2016

I don't like feeling this way.


Right now my symptoms are manifesting because I'm worried and stressed. I keep seeing spiders and the occasional snake slithering near bye. This is just awful! I can't understand why I'm so worried, except that my car's transmission is acting up. Or maybe it's because my rent on my apartment has gone up seventy dollar. I don't know what it is, but I didn't take my Seroquel because I wanted to accomplish some things today. I had planned to go to Home Depot because I have a credit card there. I never wanted to use the credit card and go deeper in debt, but I thought it was a good idea to buy some bottled water there. I'm really short on cash right now. Unfortunately, I haven't slept a wink and it's already 6AM. Sometimes I wish I had someone to hold my hand. I know that sounds like a PUSSY thing to say, but I don't have anyone now.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I only have a dancing ray of light to keep me company most days, if I'm ...




I often times wished I had a friend. Someone I could talk to and share experiences with, but I don't. And to be honest, I'm not sure I still know how to be a friend. I have a history of failure, and it's entirely possible I'd fail as a friend, as well.











If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      










Thursday, September 8, 2016

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month - My story.



Well, It's September and that means it's Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. The word "suicide" quickly gets people's attention, and it should. However, when I hear someone say, "Suicide is the easy way out" or "Suicide is for cowards" I get a bit angry. I've read somewhere that 1 in 4 high school students have thought of ending their life. That number is probably higher, because I doubt some kids would want to share that information with anyone. In the past, I attempted suicide a few times, but most of the attempts were not serious. Unfortunately, there was a time when I seriously wanted to end my life, and I did my best to accomplish that feat. I was in my early twenties and living alone. I had a very good job that allowed me to live rather comfortably. It all changed when the stress of my job brought on my Paranoid Schizophrenia symptoms. I was having trouble differentiating dreams from reality. I struggled with insomnia and started to hear voices. For the most part the voices would not directly speak to me, but they were angry voices. Voices that argued through the night and kept me wide awake, curled up in a ball, in fear of my life. Then the occasional apparition would make an appearance. The hallucinations were terrifying! I would see spider web all over my body, followed by hundreds of spiders attacking me while I attempted to sleep. These spiders would bite me and became an everyday occurrence. It forced me to take a leave of absence from my job, while I sought medical help. I was a mess and so depressed. The pain of living alone and experiencing the symptoms of schizophrenia made me want to end my life. One night I went to the store and bought a big bottle of Southern Comfort whiskey, as well as, two boxes of over the counter sleeping pills. Later that night, while I was drunk, I took the pills, as well as, a bottle full of lorazepam. As I laid in bed, I sincerely thought that my life was about to end. I closed my eyes, and fell asleep, for what I thought would be the last time. Finally, the pain and the fear would end. However, I woke up a day later and I was still alive. I felt horrible and could barely walk. Long story short, I lived, but it didn't solve my problems. Years of going to various doctors would finally help me keep my Paranoid Schizophrenia in check, for the most part. I'm still very lonely and I have the occasional auditory hallucinations. And yes, there are times when I do see "those spiders" but those days are rare. When I say, "rare" I mean that I still see them, but I haven't been bitten by one in a long time. Hearing voices, such as arguments is common place for me. Also, I sometimes hear music. The music I hear usually comes from inanimate objects. Such as a cup, a wall, or remote control. I know it may sound strange, but that's my life. A life I still have thankfully. I'm glad I didn't die that night, because things did get better. Sure, I still have those thoughts, but I don't think I could attempt suicide again. If anyone is out there and they are thinking about ending their life, please remember you're not alone. Call someone, take a shower, or ask for help by calling The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You matter.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      



Tuesday, September 6, 2016

"I'm fine son."


I feel bad when I don't update my blog in a timely manner. I really want to be able to update daily, if not every other day if possible. Certain things are working against me, however. Firstly, my computer is so slow and it's frustrating, as I wait for pages to load. I bought the laptop I use over ten years ago, and it's showing its age. The other reason I haven't been updating is, well, I've been really depressed. The rent where I live has gone up again, and it has me worrying so much. The only way I stop worrying or having anxiety about anything is sleep. I take my Seroquel and just sleep for days, or as long as I can, so I don't have to deal with the reality of the situation. I know that isn't a solution to my problem, but I feel scared. The other day I went to the supermarket to purchase some food. Mostly frozen burritos and water. Every time I go to the store, I have so much anxiety. I start to sweat and shake. I don't make eye contact with anyone whatsoever. You could be my closet friend or a relative, but I wouldn't notice if you walked passed me because I'm so fixed on getting out, as fast as I can. The sad part is my son is getting old enough to notice my anxiety and commonly asks, "Why are you sweating da?" I don't want to lie to him, but I can't tell him the truth. I just say, "I'm fine son." For now, my son believes I'm just that, fine.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

What it's like having Schizophrenia?


So, I've been up since 3am and although I couldn't sleep any longer, I'm still very tired. The impact from taking 1200mg of Seroquel, in order to sleep at night, can last well into the next day. I'm really groggy, but I want to accomplish things today. All morning I've been debating if I should go to the supermarket this morning, or should I wait until tomorrow. I literally sit on my couch for hours debating what I should do, and if I should put it off until another day. For instance, should I go to the store? Should I get my mail, it's been several weeks since I went to my mail box? Do I have enough money to last the rest of this month? Should I sell some of my possessions on Ebay? All these questions, as I sit almost comatose on my couch and nothing gets done. Most of my life takes place in thought, with very little action. I can't get anything done, even though I try my best and it feels like I'm stuck in mud. My inability to take action must be a side effect of my Paranoid Schizophrenia, but knowing this is little comfort to me. My life is slipping away, while I sit and watch, like a bystander.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Friday, August 19, 2016

It isn't easy, but he's worth it.


This morning was really stressful for me. It was the first time I had to get my son ready for kindergarten myself. I couldn't sleep last night because my mind kept telling me that I'm going to mess up big time. I only slept for a couple of hours, then I finally gave up and made myself some coffee. I sat in the darkness of my living room watching television. I tell you, there isn't much to watch at 3am in the morning. The coffee was a bad idea because it only made my nerves worse. When my son woke up, I made him something to eat, and we talked about school. He's a little hyper and doesn't sit still at the end of the day, so the teacher constantly reminds me that he needs to work on it. I tell my son that if he's good, I'll play with him and his action figures when he gets home. Time went fast this morning and I struggled to get ready, as well as getting my son ready for school. I can't tell you how stressful it is for me. By the time we arrived at the school, I was sweating. My pills make me sweat more than usual, and it can be really embarrassing. My son noticed I was perspiring, so he asked if I was okay? I gave him a hug, and he walked into his classroom while we both gave each other a thumbs up. I want to be a good father, but sometimes it's so hard.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Thursday, August 18, 2016

It could be worse.


I've been up since 10:30 last night because of a great deal of anxiety, as well as, not being able to take my medication (Seroquel) because my son is coming over today. If I took my medication, I wouldn't be able to stay awake or be in any condition that would allow me to watch my son. I'm tired, but more than anything I'm anxious because I'll have my son until Sunday night, and I know that it will take a great deal of effort. I love having my son over because I want to be there for him. My car is currently working well enough for me to pick him up at school today, as well as, dropping him off tomorrow. I love seeing his smile, as he walks out his classroom and spots me waiting for him. However, I wish I wasn't so exhausted.

I took my cans and bottles to be recycled this morning and made thirty dollars. I can't tell you enough how much that money means to me. I'll be able to purchase food and beverages for me and my son. Because I'm disabled, I get paid once a month from Social Security, so the money really helps me. As I stood and waited for the man at the recycling center, I noticed a homeless man on a bike. He had several bags of cans to be recycled. Sometimes I feel really bad because I'm always broke, but at least I have a roof over my head. It's always been a fear of mine that I'll someday be homeless. My life is difficult and I may not have much, but it could be worse.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      
If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      
e.







Tuesday, August 16, 2016

First day of kindergarten for my son was special. The second day, not so much.



So, last week was my son's first day of kindergarten and I was both nervous and excited. It's easy to understand why I was excited, but I was also nervous because I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be there for him. Luckily my ex said she wanted me to be there and take part in the experience. My son looked so cute that morning and he gave me a big hug when he saw me. I was so proud to see my little man entering kindergarten. I was also lucky enough to have him come to my apartment and spend the night, so I could take him to school on his second day of kindergarten. Unfortunately, that morning started off terrible. While walking my son to my car, I noticed the passenger side door was open and my son's child seat hanging out, still attached to the seat belt. Upon further inspection, I noticed some tools, sun glasses, and my CD player were also missing. Someone had thrown out everything inside my glove compartment and scattered the papers all over the inside of my car. I was devastated. This wasn't the first time someone had broken into my car since I moved to the apartment complex I currently live in. My son didn't understand what was going on, so he stood silently, as I attempted to fix his car seat. I still had to get him to school, so there was no time to waste. As we drove down the street, my son asked if I could turn on my CD player. The CD player in my car wasn't a stereo. It was an old compact disc player that I attached mini speakers to, so I could play ABC and children songs for my son, while I drove. You see, my son has a speech problem, and the songs help him improve in that area. Instead of telling him that someone stole it, I told a little white lie. I just said, "It needs batteries." We eventually made it to his school and I gave him a big hug! Only after returning to my car, I was brought to tears because I was upset. I didn't want to be upset around my son. He deserves so much more than I can currently give him. He's my life and my only love.






If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      









Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Isolation kills the soul.



Living alone and suffering from Paranoid Schizophrenia is soul crushing. I have absolutely nobody to talk to, and it hurts deeply. I have no friends to speak of, and no contact with my family, except for the occasional message on Facebook from a niece of mine. I mean, there's a good reason I don't speak to my family anymore. However, the having no friends, is my fault I guess. I'm not very social and my illness tends to have me withdraw from the world, almost completely. If I didn't have my son visit the three days I'm given the opportunity to have him over my apartment, I wouldn't have any contact with the outside world. Unfortunately, because my car is over twenty years old and prone to breaking down, my visits with my son aren't guaranteed. I really don't know how to change my life. I sit on my living room couch for hours on end, thinking about how I could change my situation, but nothing changes. I often catch myself saying, "I know" out loud because I'm answering my internal self talk. Which isn't self talk at all, it's more like self bashing. As I write this, I'm sitting on my couch and wondering if I have it in myself to change my life, or am I destined to be alone forever? I don't want to be alone anymore.








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...