Monday, January 18, 2016

My mind can be a raging sea of half thoughts and unfinished sentences.

There are so many aspects of my illness that don't include audible or visual hallucinations. I'm not some crazed lunatic that can't tell the difference from what's real and what's fantasy. However, I do have a great deal of audible hallucinations, but I do manage to ignore most of them. And as far as visual hallucinations, they have been a rare occurrence of late. One particular symptom of my illness is the fact that I can't concentrate on any one particular task. I mean, it can be very difficult to put my full attention on anything. I get side tracked so easily. My mind can be a raging sea of half thoughts and unfinished sentences. Writing this one blog entry has to be done in complete silence because any noise would destroy my train of thought. I'd write gibberish, if I couldn't concentrate and maybe most of my blog is, in fact gibberish. I tried so hard this last Fall and made an effort to take a few classes at the local Community College, but it wasn't easy. I have been out of the so-called "Real World" for some time and the thought of being around a bunch of strangers was frightening, to say the least. Plus, I haven't been in school or held a job for such a long time. I took three classes and failed two. It was hardly a success. I know I'm not some airhead but I couldn't concentrate very well and a lot of what the professor's were saying came out, as nonsense because my mind couldn't focus. Plus, the fact that I watch my son four days a week, made it difficult to find time to study. I hate making excuses but I did my best and it seems like it wasn't enough to succeed. I thought about returning to school this Spring but the cost of the textbook was over a hundred dollars, so I couldn't afford it. I wish I was able to get financial aide, but like I wrote before, it isn't going to happen. I suppose I can try to attend school next Fall or in the Summer, if I can save up enough money. I don't like giving up on something, even if it seems impossible at the time. One thing I do miss about the time I attended school last fall was the ability to interact with people. I was just another person at college. I wasn't going around labeled a Paranoid Schizophrenic, so people weren't put off and were very excepting of me. Of course, if I had told them of my illness, they would haven't been so friendly. It's difficult being honest at times because I don't want to lose the little friendships that I was able to make. Now, it's back to being locked up in my apartment and feeling very lonely. My only salvation is when my son is able to spend time with me, but even that is on shaking ground because of my progressively dying car.

Click here to visit my YouTube channel...

Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful.  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...

#Paranoid Schizophrenia #Schizophrenia #Mental Illness #Seroquel #Prozac #Mental health awareness #Sexual abuse #Project Exclamation Point #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #Depression