Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The whispers I can't ignore.



I hate the feeling I get when something deep inside me is triggered, and I'm left beyond worried. Earlier this morning I was feeling pretty good, even a bit happy. I was thinking of all the possibilities that my life had to offer. I thought about venturing outside and taking a walk in the rain. Maybe going to the movies by myself and seeing the new Star Wars film. Then suddenly, I started hearing the whispers. The feint whispers of people just outside my door. I couldn't make out what they were saying but for some reason, I assumed they were talking about me. You see, my illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia) is like that and this is a continuing pattern of events. I attempted to ignore the whispers but they only grew louder. My mind was filled with ideas of why people might be standing outside my front door, and none of them were good. I thought I might be getting evicted from my apartment and being thrown on the streets. This fear of being evicted is something that really scares me because I'll have no place to go. I have no family or friends, so the idea of being homeless is real for me. I sat on my couch and stared at my door but didn't have the nerve to look through my peephole. I lowered the volume on my television and was consumed with fear. I didn't dare move because I didn't want the people outside my door to hear me. This went on for several hours but I finally got the courage to look through my peephole. I didn't see anyone standing outside and the whispers were gone, yet I can't shake this feeling of worry. I have this sense of dread, as if something bad is going to happen to me. I know deep down, it's all in my head but that really doesn't help when I'm in the moment. I can only pray that this feeling leaves me soon.







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