Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The mark on their souls.



It's always difficult forgiving people who hurt you, and it's even more difficult when the people who hurt you aren't a bit sorry for their actions. I can forgive anyone but if someone hurts me, like my family did, I can't maintain a relationship with them, especially if they show no remorse. I think people who hurt others live in a different reality, in order to live with themselves. They craft a different story inside their head that relinquishes all blame. They embrace their made up story and in turn, it becomes their new reality. The denial to acknowledge the truth of a situation and stubbornly hold onto a lie, to save face, is a strong indictment on one's soul. It will forever leave a mark, and I can only hope that there will come a time in the future. In this life or the after world, that they are shown the repercussions of their blatant disregard for the truth, and their complete lack of humanity.






If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Elderly woman behind the counter in a small town.



I have a lot of empathy toward my fellow man. It's easy for me to put myself in someone's shoes and, at least in that moment, totally understand how they are feeling. I wouldn't call it a gift or something special because I hope everyone can relate and understand where I'm coming from. However, I do notice that there are extra special people who can see the slightest suffering or hurt, when it comes to others. Yesterday, when at the supermarket checkout line, the clerk that was ringing up my purchases, looked at me and spoke with a gentle voice. She called me, "Honey" a few times. It was noticeable that this elderly lady at the checkout stand was aware that I might be suffering from something that wasn't visible through the naked eye. She was being extra sweet and kind with me because she could tell that something was off. I've come across people like this a few times in my life. I don't have to have a visible handicap for some people. They just sense something isn't quite right, and they in turn, open up their heart to me. I think because I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia, I have such a gift. I can tell, at least I think I can, when other people might have something mentally wrong with them. My empathy shines through every part of my being when I come across someone that's suffering from any kind of mental illness. It's like looking into a mirror and seeing myself. I wish I had the power to change their lives, as well as, my own. My heart aches for people, like me, who are forgotten and marginalized by society,







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

I feel the loneliness deep down inside.



It has been difficult for me to maintain this blog, but I don't want to give up on sharing my story. Lately, the sleepless nights have lead to hours of catch up sleep during the day. I feel so mixed up and confused. Sometimes I self medicate because there are times when I have to be fully awake. I can't help raise my son and be fully on my medication because it simply doesn't work. I'm so grateful for the time I have with my son. His mother drops him off and picks him up, so I don't have to put too much mileage on my broken down car. I feel blessed that my car hasn't totally died because it allows me to go to the supermarket and doctor's appointments. Still, if I had a better used vehicle, I would be able to see my son more often and not be so depressed. The loneliness that surrounds my entire being becomes too hard to take sometimes and I'm left crying. I wish things were different, but for now I can only take it one day at a time.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      


Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Today is the day, at least I hope it is.



Another sleepless night and my mind races with thoughts about where my life is headed. There comes a point in time when you either give up, or attempt another comeback. As I've grown older, I notice comebacks become a lot more difficult. It's easy just to give up and grow old, and for the past several years, I've done just that. I've let myself go and figured it wasn't worth fighting the good fight anymore. Then you bargain and you say to yourself, "Tomorrow I'll start over." Yet, tomorrow becomes weeks, and then months. I have to gather up my courage and start to better myself again and stop making excuses. Yes, I'm a Paranoid Schizophrenic, but I can do this. If not for me, for my son because he deserves the best.






If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

I'm Just A Shadow of Myself ~ A poem by Eric Anthony (I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia)



Someone online recommended I use more creative methods to occupy my time. I kind of agree, and this was my attempt at poetry. I remember, as a young teenage boy, I would attempt to write deep and thought provoking poems. However, I gave it up because like most poetry, it's often only valued by the poet who writes them.

I'm Just A Shadow of Myself -

I'm just a shadow of myself.
A half empty carton of milk
that's gone bad.
Buried on a garbage heap
of forgotten dreams.
Slowly decaying into nothingness.
I once had promise.
Dreams that filled a million
pages of the book I called
my life. But for every
story I called my own, they died
...they died...and died one after another.
My mind is the enemy that laid everything
too waste. How unfair and ugly hope can
be. When all I'm left with is just a few
joyful memories and the emptiness around me.

Eric Anthony









If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

I just want to go home!



It's difficult to write about how much my anxiety cripples me because the last thing on my mind, at the time is posting on my blog. Little things trigger my anxiety and along with my Schizophrenia, my mind works constantly against me. The other day I was in a McDonald's drive thru and a familiar anxiety reared its ugly head again. My mind is strange beast and my thoughts quickly go to the worse case scenarios. As I sat in my car, I imagined thermal nuclear war was unleashed on Sacramento California and the air raid sirens can be heard everywhere. The missiles clearly visible through clouds in the sky, and meanwhile, I'm trapped in a McDonald's drive thru. The cars in front of me don't move. Can I drive over the curb and adjacent island with my small passenger automobile? Why won't the cars ahead of me move already? The world is ending and you want to wait in line at a McDonald's drive thru? I know it may sound silly, and as I type these words, it now feels a bit silly. However, at the time it feels like the end of the world is happening and I just want to go home!





If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      





I miss my son.



So, this weekend I had to discipline my son (give him a time out). He grabbed my Ipod and took a selfie, while he was crying. I found this picture this morning and because he isn't here, I feel bad. Sometimes it's tough being a father, especially when I don't get to seem him as much as I'd like. I wish I could give him a hug, even though he feels like a million miles away right now.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

It's been a while.



Hi, it's been awhile since I posted on this personal blog. I wish I could write and tell you that life has been so wonderful, but that really hasn't been the case. I've been tired and my depression has left me without any energy to get things done. I'm just existing and that's about it. I feel so isolated right now and to tell the truth, I don't know if having people in my life would be such a blessing. I've been alone for so long that I forgot what being a friend entails and the thought of having someone in my life gives me a lot of anxiety. I've never had many friends and the reason isn't because I'm not friendly. I'm super nice in real life and bend over backwards to give thanks to people. I just don't know how to be a friend. I feel unworthy to have a friend because of my illness. I don't want to let down a friend by saying, "Sorry, I really can't be there for you because my Schizophrenia has me feeling very sick." Sure, there are special people who would be understanding, but I don't know any of them. So, I'm left feeling lonely and wishing life was different for me. I know I'm not the only person that's currently going through a rough time and I feel kind of guilty because, even though I'm aware that my life is kind of miserable, there are so many people that have it much worse.






If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
Click here to visit my YouTube channel...





Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...