Friday, July 29, 2016

God, I get lonely sometimes... An attempted cover of Creep by Radiohead.




God, I get lonely sometimes, especially when my car doesn't start and I can't have my son over for the weekend.











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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      









Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Visual hallucinations - A symptom of Paranoid Schizophrenia.


One of the scariest aspects of having Paranoid Schizophrenia can be hallucinations. I've suffered both auditory and visual hallucinations in the past. My visual hallucinations are rare, thankfully. Although I'm constantly reminded that my visual hallucinations can manifest themselves at anytime, due to stress, or when my medication isn't working well. For instance, this morning when I walked out my front door I saw what looked like a large bug (See above photo). It startled me and I shut my eyes, in hopes it would disappear. Of course, it turned out only to be a small branch, from a near bye tree. I can laugh about it a little, but not really. You see, I often see things in my peripheral vision. At certain times, a shadow on the wall can turn into something that's definitely scary. I have a fear of bugs and spiders, and when my illness gets the best of me, those shadows on my peripheral come alive. They turn into bugs and spiders that not only scare me, but can actually bite. I know they aren't real but at the time, when my illness gets the best of me, I can't distinguish the hallucinations from reality. I'm very fortunate that I rarely have these types of hallucinations. Most of my hallucinations are auditory, in nature. Nonetheless, hallucinations of any kind can be truly frightening.








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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

"I'm Just A Shadow Of Myself." Redux - A poem about my battle with Para...




Here, I'm just sharing a video I made about my illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia).











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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      



Flashback to the most epic silly string fignt with my son :)



I love spending time with my son :)











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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      




Thursday, July 21, 2016

This is from my heart.

I wrote this today, but it's something I've felt ever since being diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.









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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      


Venturing outside, while suffering from mental illness (Schizophrenia) i...



In this video, I show how venturing outside isn't that easy for someone who suffers from mental illness.







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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

I ain't no fortunate son.


The other day I posted this picture on my Instagram:INTHECRAYON along with the following message:

"I know it doesn't look too inviting to eat, but cheeseburger in a box has been a mainstay for my diet the last few years. Living on disability along with 22 dollars of food stamps a month, makes shopping at The Dollar Tree a necessity. Eating healthy isn't cheap. I don't share this in order to gain sympathy, instead I'd like to remind some people on how fortunate they really are..."




Like I wrote, I didn't post the message to gain sympathy from people. I posted the message because I wanted some people to be aware of how fortunate they are and to be grateful for what they have. I grew up in poverty, so the life I live right now isn't so different or new to me. I was raised by a single mother of four children. My mother, who didn't work very often, raised us on County Welfare and Food Stamps. We often lived in apartments that were roach infested, as well as in bad neighborhoods. When I was young, I concentrated on school and homework because I wanted a better life. Unfortunately, around the age of sixteen I started getting sick. The first symptoms of Paranoid Schizophrenia reared their ugly head. I had to take my GED to finish high school, but that didn't stop me from wanting a better life. By the age of eighteen, I was really sick, but I had a part time job, as well as, going to school full time. I did all this without medication because I had no health insurance. I knew deep down I had to get a well paying job, in order to get healthcare benefits that would be able to pay for the medication I truly needed. I wanted to see a professional doctor, but was in no position to do so. After years of trying, I eventually got a well paying job and health benefits. I was finally in a position to see a psychiatrist and get diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. However, it didn't last long because my illness eventually got worse and I had to go on disability. My dream of having a well paying job and being in a position to seek help for my Paranoid Schizophrenia was lost. Ten years later, I'm where I am now. I'm trying my best to support myself. Only now I have a son, who I need to support financially as well. Before you judge me on having a son in my condition, you need to read the story on how my son came into my life. Right now, I'm barely surviving and I feel like I'm letting my son down because he deserves a lot more than I can currently give him. Deep down, I want to get back on my feet and do my best to get another good paying job. It's a dream I have had for some time. However, I don't know if I have it in me to accomplish this goal. It would be a difficult road because I could fail and then I would be in a position where I had no job or disability income. Having no family because of a terrible past incident, I have this fear I could end up on the streets and lose my son.







If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      







Tuesday, July 19, 2016

"On love, many have wrote, but to my dying friend I write this note." - EAS



I don't have any friends. I'm not telling you that to garner any sympathy, just stating a fact. I mean, I have a few close friends on my Facebook and Instagram but in real life, I have no friends or acquaintances. One of the characteristics of my illness (Paranoid Schizophrenia) is to withdraw ones self from the world and keep to themselves. This fact, is true in my case and it often leaves me feeling alone and depressed. Don't get me wrong, I want to have friends but the thought of opening up and letting people into my life is kind of scary to me. You see, I know myself very well and what I need from a personal relationship. I also know that being a true friend isn't like being a fair weathered friend. Unfortunately, because of my illness, I sometimes can't be there for anyone. There are times in my life when I can't communicate with the world and just need alone time. To any perspective friend, this behavior might seem selfish or not being a good friend. Having a friend to me is very special because I don't want to be alone anymore but at the same time, having a friend can be too much for me to handle. Sometimes people say that they want to be there for me, but do they really know what that entails? If someone says, "Let's be friends." Do I have to say, "Well, that would be great, but I have to explain that I might not be the greatest friend at times." Unfortunately, in the past I have lost friends who didn't understand my illness and decided to move on without me. Every time I loose a friend, I die a little inside.




 




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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Tricks of light or signs from God?


I believe in signs from above but in this case, I'm certain that it was just one of those tricks of light. However, in truth, I've experienced what I believe are supernatural signs in the past. For instance, twice in my lifetime when someone in my family had died, I would get very strange visits from of all things, a butterfly. These weren't your normal butterflies. On both occasions they would perch just outside my window and stay, for what seemed like hours. They were beautiful in color and I would sit and stare at them, wondering if it was a sign from God. Strange as it sounds, I would even talk to them, as if they were my recent dead relative. Of course, my fascination would quickly turn into frustration because, if these butterflies were trying to tell me something, I didn't get the message.








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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      

Interrupted dreams and Kenneth so and so... My story and observations.




Seroquel helps me sleep, but unexpected knocking on my front door interrupts my dreams. I can only hope Kenneth so and so is okay.




 







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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      











How do I cope with anxiety? Late night/early morning pacing in my hallway.



Coping with anxiety isn't easy and late night pacing seems to be the only answer. In the video, I share my experience.












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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      











Friday, July 8, 2016

I don't have the answers.


There was a time in my life when I would go to the supermarket and purchase everything without any thought of the price. However, since I've been diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia, things have changed slowly but surely. I don't have much money anymore, and everything I buy at the grocery store these days is looked at carefully. The past few years have been a lot more difficult, and I find myself shopping at the local 99 Cent store, in order to save money. I buy a great deal of frozen foods that are prepackaged and certainly not healthy. It wouldn't bother me as much, if I didn't have to purchase the same kind of food for my son. He's a five year old growing boy and he needs to eat healthy foods. I feel guilty because he deserves a lot better. I know, if anyone is reading this, you might think negatively because you don't know the full story on how my son came into my life. I currently have custody of my son for half of the week, which is Thursday thru Sunday. It saddens me that I can't give him everything he deserves, and the food he currently eats when I have him over, isn't the best. I use the twenty-two dollars of food stamps that I get monthly for myself, as well as, the recycling money I'm able to get from cans and bottles, but it isn't enough. I don't know what to do anymore, and I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll lose the ability to see my son, because of my broken down car, as well as, not being able to feed and house him. I could get a part time job, but I haven't worked in years because of my illness. I don't know if the stress would cause another breakdown. I just don't have the answers.







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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...
                      











Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I'm not perfect.


 It would be so easy to have negative thoughts, because of the circumstances of my life. In the past, I embraced the anger and frustration I felt because that's all I knew. However, for the past five years or so, I've made a concerted effort to change my way of thinking. I don't want to live with a chip on my shoulder anymore. I think if you live with anger, you'll attract anger and negativity in your life. Sure, I still have impulses that are from my old way of thinking, but I catch myself and apologize for it immediately. Yes, I ask forgiveness out loud and I direct it toward God, in order to prove to myself that I really want to change, as a person. Have I seen a change, as far as what life has given me in recent years? Yes, I notice that the more I withhold judgement on others and I'm not so quick to anger, life, in turn, has only given me what I can handle. I can't say that it's a perfect life because that wouldn't be honest. However, I can say that I've survived while living alone and suffering from a dreaded disease called, "Paranoid Schizophrenia."








If you'd like, please click the link below and visit my YouTube Channel.
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Please GoFundMe... In Need of Purchasing a Dependable Used Car, so I can visit my son regularly. Any amount would help and I'll be forever grateful. http://www.gofundme.com/m12hgk  Or you can send funds thru Paypal at my email arichere@yahoo.com Please read my story, as to why I need help. Thank You So Very Much!!!!

My dying car...