Thursday, September 8, 2016
Suicide Prevention Awareness Month - My story.
Well, It's September and that means it's Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. The word "suicide" quickly gets people's attention, and it should. However, when I hear someone say, "Suicide is the easy way out" or "Suicide is for cowards" I get a bit angry. I've read somewhere that 1 in 4 high school students have thought of ending their life. That number is probably higher, because I doubt some kids would want to share that information with anyone. In the past, I attempted suicide a few times, but most of the attempts were not serious. Unfortunately, there was a time when I seriously wanted to end my life, and I did my best to accomplish that feat. I was in my early twenties and living alone. I had a very good job that allowed me to live rather comfortably. It all changed when the stress of my job brought on my Paranoid Schizophrenia symptoms. I was having trouble differentiating dreams from reality. I struggled with insomnia and started to hear voices. For the most part the voices would not directly speak to me, but they were angry voices. Voices that argued through the night and kept me wide awake, curled up in a ball, in fear of my life. Then the occasional apparition would make an appearance. The hallucinations were terrifying! I would see spider web all over my body, followed by hundreds of spiders attacking me while I attempted to sleep. These spiders would bite me and became an everyday occurrence. It forced me to take a leave of absence from my job, while I sought medical help. I was a mess and so depressed. The pain of living alone and experiencing the symptoms of schizophrenia made me want to end my life. One night I went to the store and bought a big bottle of Southern Comfort whiskey, as well as, two boxes of over the counter sleeping pills. Later that night, while I was drunk, I took the pills, as well as, a bottle full of lorazepam. As I laid in bed, I sincerely thought that my life was about to end. I closed my eyes, and fell asleep, for what I thought would be the last time. Finally, the pain and the fear would end. However, I woke up a day later and I was still alive. I felt horrible and could barely walk. Long story short, I lived, but it didn't solve my problems. Years of going to various doctors would finally help me keep my Paranoid Schizophrenia in check, for the most part. I'm still very lonely and I have the occasional auditory hallucinations. And yes, there are times when I do see "those spiders" but those days are rare. When I say, "rare" I mean that I still see them, but I haven't been bitten by one in a long time. Hearing voices, such as arguments is common place for me. Also, I sometimes hear music. The music I hear usually comes from inanimate objects. Such as a cup, a wall, or remote control. I know it may sound strange, but that's my life. A life I still have thankfully. I'm glad I didn't die that night, because things did get better. Sure, I still have those thoughts, but I don't think I could attempt suicide again. If anyone is out there and they are thinking about ending their life, please remember you're not alone. Call someone, take a shower, or ask for help by calling The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You matter.
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My dying car...