Thursday, February 9, 2017
I don't enjoy being alone, but I don't know how to change this fact.
Well, I went to the laundromat this morning. I've been putting off washing my clothes for a while. I usually wake up around 4:30 in the morning because I want to get there when the place opens up. I'm usually the only person there and I'm always grateful that this is the case. I think my anxiety level would be trough the roof, if there were a lot of people at the laundromat with me. As I watch my clothes dry, I notice that it's still very dark outside. I can only see the occasional car pass bye through the window. Right then and there, I realize how alone I am in this world. I miss not having a friend to talk to, or even a few casual acquaintances. I mean, I have a cell phone (A lifeline cell paid by the government) but I only use it to make doctor appointments and the occasional phone calls from my ex girlfriend. She only calls to discuss our son, so it isn't like it counts as someone I'd call a friend. There are times I wished I had people to call and text because I feel so alone at times. I think about why I don't have friends, and although my illness plays a big part, it isn't the only obstacle. For years I haven't been able to keep a friend because I have this overwhelming feeling that I couldn't be a good friend. It isn't because I'm a bad person. I just think because of my illness, a friend wouldn't truly understand how there are times I couldn't talk or answer their calls. My depression sometimes gets so bad that I just need to sleep and isolate myself. I don't think there are too many people in the world that would understand. Most would assume I'm not worth having as a friend, and they are probably right.
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My dying car...